bride and bridesmaid issue – any advice?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@juliasquared:  Dance rehearsals??

If you think you can get the dress ready in time, do it. If you don’t think you can, drop out now. She has already given that option (“if I can’t get my dress to fit then I can’t be a bridesmaid“). Don’t feel bad about dropping out: she brought this on herself by buying a dress too small. (Expecting your BMs to lose weight is pretty well the ultimate bridezilla move.)

For the wedding itself, make it clear you are available for the rehearsal (which should be short) and the wedding, and hen night if it’s while you’re back. It’s unreasonable expecting you for “lot of evenings with wedding prep and dance rehearsals and so on”, especially when you’re only back in the UK for a short time.

p.s. Am I right to assume she’s missing your hen night because she’ll be on honeymoon? Because I don’t have a problem with that part – not everyone can get to the hen night. But by the same token, she can’t expect you at everything either.

Post # 5
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The moment she made a comment about losing weight, that was your out. That is a terrible thing to say to a person you supposedly care about. Major Bridezilla move.

Post # 6
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You aren’t obligated to attend dance rehersals, wedding prepe, etc. just because you’re a bridesmaid.

Take a night off and go see your friends and family. She really has no place getting upset if she can’t attend your hen night because she can’t get off work (which, IMO is a lame excuse – show up later then!)

And for her to ask you to lose weight for her wedding really shows what kind of friend she is – a lousy one.
Sorry to say that, but I love my friends just the way they freaking are.
I wouldn’t buy then a dress three sizes too small and then expect them to lose weight to accomodate MY expecations. Ugh!

In your shoes, I’d have dropped out right after the weight comments.
I’d have some sarcastic insults to sling right back at her and obviously I’d consider that friendship over.
I am not a person who puts up with too much crap, though.

Post # 8
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

@juliasquared:  Sorry you’re having to deal with all of this.

 if you can stomach the thought of giving a speech, do it. (i’d go with some memory from long time ago…and make it short…. like… “back when we were 15 and bride rescued that dog from the animal shelter… bla bla… shows how big her heart is… all the best for the future with groom”.) 

if you can’t – which is understandable – then don’t do it. maybe sometime after the wedding there is time for the two of you to have a reasonable talk. i assume in the pre-wedding phase she’d not be able to hear you out. 

 

Post # 9
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@juliasquared:  I think you can back out of giving a speech if you’re no longer a bridesmaid.
Ask her what she expects of you now, and just write it in a card or a letter and give it to her at the wedding if she doesn’t want you to give the speech. 
If she still wants you to, a speech isn’t the end of the world, and it’s something a non-bridal party member can still do if the bride is OK with it. No one will think it’s weird.

ALSO I hope you aren’t going to still attend all the dance practices and crazy rehersals – you aren’t in the wedding party anymore, you are CERTAINLY not obligated to attend any of this crap.
Go see your family instead, you spend enough on the plane ticket (to get kicked out of your plans over a DRESS, of all the ridiculous things)!

I don’t think you should have apologized about her weight comments, mostly because I was once a chronic apologizer and it took me a few years to break the habit.
I can say that I’m much happier (and much more assertive!) now that I don’t apologize for every wrong step or breath I take – life’s short, we all make mistakes. 😛

Anyway, it wasn’t your place to apologize – it was rude on her part, you are going waaay (too far!) out of your way for her and she can’t even give you a thank you, let alone an “I’m sorry I’m making this big fuss over a silly dress, and I’m so sorry I brought a dress that was too small on purpose because I put unrealistic and kind of abusive expecations on you and your life.”
You won’t hear that from her.
She probably assumes the matter is settled and won’t apologize to you now.
Either way (and sorry to say) don’t expect much remorse from her.

I’m sorry you’re going through this with someone who should have your back.
If I knew you, I’d buy you a drink for all the trouble you’ve gone through. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think that we are never more sensitive to how other people plan their weddings than when we are planning our own. I think that we struggle so much to figure out how we want to do things and then defend that to others that it becomes hard to see the other side of the coin. And because we’re so heavily invested in it, we care, even if some other time in life we wouldn’t.

You mentioned that you think she has her priorities wrong. But they’re really just different than yours. For whatever reason it seems important to her that you guys all be in the same dress. I don’t get it either, but we don’t need to. It’s important to her. It really sucks that you now need to scramble to get your dress together. And I always tell people to never buy a dress hoping to lose weight (but people do it all the freaking time!). But that ship has sailed. If you still value her friendship, I’d try to make the dress work. It really sucks. But it probably sucks less than losing the friendship.

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