Post # 1
Background: I’ve known the bride for about 3 years. This is her second marriage and I have first hand knowledge (she told me) that she has been cheating on her FH within the last 6 months. There are 3 BM’s and one MOH (her sister). The MOH lives in ID and the bride lives in FL, however, the wedding will be held in the state that myself, the other 2 bridesmaids, and the FH/FH family live in (CO). The MOH is broke, a single mom, and pretty flaky. I don’t know much about the other two BM’s but I don’t think they are doing as well as I am financially.
Situation: When I agreed to be a bridesmaid I hadn’t realized that so much would be expected of me. I consider the bride to be a friend, but I was pretty suprised she asked me to even be in her wedding, as I didn’t think we were THAT close. That said, I thought I would just put on a dress and show up. But over the last 6 months she has been incrementally asking me to A) Plan the bachelorette party…not a problem, I like to party. B) A few weeks later, casually asking me if there was going to be a bridal shower too because "its not proper etiquette for the family of the bride to throw one"… now its starting to get weird. C) Asking me to HOST THE REHEARSAL DINNER AT MY HOUSE BECAUSE SHE IS OVER BUDGET. My house is small-maybe enough seating for 15 people and she wants to invite 30!…I am kind of getting the feeling that she had been counting on that favor as a given by this point. D) In the same breath as the rehearsal dinner weirdness she asks me to host the bridal party/getting ready/hair/makeup ordeal at my house and E) Let her stay with me at my house for the week leading up to the wedding because she doesn’t think its "proper form" for her to stay with her poor clueless FH.
My issue: I’m not sure if I’m really being taken advantage of here or if I’m just super not excited about doing anything for this wedding because I am privvy to what she’s been doing to her FH in he spare time. Either way, I told her I could only manage a bachelorette party d/t financial constraints of the other BM’s, I told her "no" on the rehearsal dinner thing because I didn’t have the room for it, I am allowing her to stay with me and I said "yes" to hosting the hair/make-up party at my house before the wedding. I can’t help but think that because of my financial status, my proximity to the ceremony, and the fact that I have a house, she is using me a little bit here. She moved to FL a year ago and I have only heard from her when she wants to ask me to fork over time or resources for her wedding. The wedding is in 20 days and I am so annoyed with her I don’t even want to be in it, and every time my phone rings I cringe because I know she is going to ask me for something else.
Am I an a*shole for saying no and/or feeling this way?
Post # 3
I’m hesitant to answer your poll because I’m not sure I agree with either response. I think that it sounds like she’s asking for things that a girl would ask of a friend that she considered herself close enough to to be a bridesmaid. (Well, aside from the rehearsal dinner thing, which is very strange, I’ll admit.) However, you said that you were surprised when she asked you to be a bridesmaid. Maybe you should have declined, since you obviously weren’t interested in performing bridesmaid duties for this girl.
Someone who was a true friend to her would be more than happy to help her with most of those things. I don’t mean that you’re a bad friend, or a bad bridesmaid, just that you’re probably a bad bridesmaid for this particular girl. I don’t think it makes you an asshole, but you probably shouldn’t have agreed to be a bridesmaid.
As far as advice- you’re pretty much committed now. I wouldn’t back out on being a bridesmaid, that *would* make you a jerk. Just suck it up and help her out- within reason. Plan a small, reasonable shower and bachelorette party. Make the bride give you guest lists for both, and if they’re unreasonable, tell her. Tell her you can’t host the rehearsal dinner at your house, but you’d be happy to help her plan a backyard barbecue, AT HER HOUSE. Find a reasonably priced hotel room and go in with the other bridesmaids for her to stay there the night before the wedding. If you get a nice hotel room- make it your wedding gift.
Post # 4
I totally agree with you. I should have declined, I just felt bad for her as she doesn’t have many close female friends. Thank you so much for your candor, this put things in perspective for me!
Post # 5
You’re not an a-hole at all! I think she’s being pretty presumptuous. Hinting that she wants a shower and a bachelorette party is one thing, since that’s typically something the wedding party does, but hosting the RD because she’s over budget? That’s nuts. I think you’re right to suspect that she’s using you b/c you have a house in CO.
Honestly, if it were me, I’d grit my teeth, say "no" to any other favors she asks for, and tough it out for the rest of the wedding. But how do you think she’d react if you mentioned that you felt used? Would she throw a tantrum and accuse you of not being supportive, or would she realize you’re on to her and back off? If it’s the second one, you might save yourself some grief by telling her that you’re starting to feel like her free hotel and catering service.
Edited to add: I do think your feelings about the bride are probably affected by the fact that she’s been cheating and you understandably feel ooky about the wedding. But even if she were 100% faithful and your very best friend ever, she’s overreaching by asking you to host a rehearsal dinner for her.
Post # 6
Problem number 1
SHE’S CHEATING ON HER FIANCE!!!!!!!
A "true friend" would NOT BE HAPPY TO HELP a cheater!!
This bride is all sorts of wrong and for the record there is no reason she should be dumping all these responsibilities on you. You’re not even the maid of honor for goodness sake. I would send out an email to the bridal party and the bride saying what you’re willing to help with and the rest is up to them.
Post # 7
She’s asking way too much of you with the rehearsal dinner and staying at your house for a week before the wedding? WTF? As far as the other things, it kinda goes along with the territory I think. I would only throw a b-party though, because honestly, she’s already had one wedding and one shower, she’ll be fine without a shower and it doesn’t sound like her bridal party can afford it. If you don’t mind hosting the pre-wedding pampering at your house, I would do it just to avoid conflict. Good Luck, she sounds like a piece of work.
Post # 8
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA
I think she’s asking a lot of you, and I don’t blame you for feeling a bit bitter over it all, particularly since you know she is cheating on her fiance! I pretty much agree with everything MelissaB said above…. good luck and sorry you have to deal with this 🙁
Post # 10
A and B are totally ok to ask of a bridesmaid. Technically, she should have asked her MOH or done so more discreetly, but those are pretty normal BM jobs.
No way would I ever host a dinner for that many people! YIKES. Tell her to have it catered by Fazoli’s to a park. Rent a table and just have a relaxed, chill time. Cheap, too.
I think her asking to do the hair/makeup etc party at your house is ok, too, since you ARE the closest. That does make sense to me. However, you should technically be close enough friends that you should be thrilled to help out. And since you aren’t, obviously that says a thing or two about your friendship. Which I think you’ve noted above. However, you CAN say no. Say it’s too many people, come up with some excuse. How many people are you talking? Maybe it won’t be so bad. I am a BM for a friend who’s church is RIGHT down the street from my house. We’re talking 2 miles. I totally offered my place up and I’m psyched to. She hasn’t taken me up on the offer yet though. Most BMs know they don’t just simply show up in a dress when they’re in a wedding, so I think you expected a lot less than you should have.
I would not let her stay with you for a week. I think it’s ironic that she suddenly has to be "good" for the week leading up. Puhlease. Tell her you got WAY too much going on that week and cannot handle a house guest. Not to mention, you know you’ll go crazy. A few of those things sounds like she is taking advantage of your hospitality. And because you aren’t pushing back and saying no, she’s asking for more and more. Do her other Bm’s or family live in town?
Last of all, seeing as how she’s cheating on her FI, I wouldn’t spend much money on this chick. She’s obviously setting herself up for failure, so whatever you do, do the BARE minimum. She shouldn’t even be marrying him, but i could go on for days about that. I’m talking minimum. Do a joint bach/bachelorette thing at a little tea room so people HAVE to pay their own way. Don’t pony up and expect her other BM’s to reimburse you or you’ll be screwed. Dinner and a bar, you know. Definitely don’t let it cause you too much stress. She doesn’t sound like she’s worth it.
If you don’t want to be her friend anymore, sure you could bail and cite a million reasons, but since it’s 20 days til, i’d be hesistant to back out like that, no matter what. Try to skate by as much as you can!
Post # 11
She is correct that traditionally a bride’s family could not host a bridal shower since it is an event in which the guests would bring gifts. But as bridal showers have gotten much more expensive, it is often too much of a burden to place on bridesmaids and it is acceptable for families to throw them now. But any etiquette expert should be a bit more concerned about the ethical breach caused by cheating on one’s fiance!
Let’s start with the basics here:
A. You aren’t very good friends with her
B. She is cheating on her future husband
C. She has made a series of unreasonable requests, including using your house as a hotel for a week and asking you to host a dinner party for 30 people.
D. This is her second wedding (not to insult any encore brides, but if you want a big wedding with another bridal shower please don’t make your friends bear the financial burden for this twice)
You need to set limits with her since at the rate she is going she is quite likely to get married a third time and ask you to be a bridesmaid again. At this point, I would be willing to sacrifice the friendship and say, "I’m sorry – I’m afraid I can’t accommodate your requests. If you would like, I would still be happy to be a bridesmaid, but I can’t do anything more than show up to the rehearsal dinner and your wedding. If you would like for me to step down as bridesmaid, I will completely understand."
Oh, and you really don’t want this woman in your house for a week – if she is cheating on her FH, you probably don’t want to deal with any strange men she may take back to your home.
Post # 12
I know right? Professorbee, good thing my boyfriend decided to go out of town for the week of the wedding or she’d be all over him LOL, I keed.
As an aside, my boyfriend (who OWNS the house I live in-mind you she never asked HIS input on any of this and its HIS house) as a form of protest, has decided he doesn’t want to have any part of the wedding and booked a week long river rafting trip so that he doesn’t have to deal with it. I let him off the hook but now I’m out a date, and have to go stag. But hey, that’s what they make hip flasks for right????
Post # 13
that’s the PERFECT excuse! Your BF owns the house and doesn’t a) want 30 people eating and drinking in it and b) doesn’t want a herd of elephants coming through!
Who cares if it’s a little white lie? Save yourself the monstrous headache to come.
Sorry your friend sucks so much! Er, "friend" haha. At least you can drink your troubles away that night.
Post # 14
I totally considered the bail and not be friends anymore thing too, btw.
Post # 15
I’m curious about the whole "cheating" thing – have you talked to her about it? Is it something worth bringing up? I’ve only been one bridesmaid before…. but one of my best friends (who is also a bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding) is completely honest and candid with me and vice versa. If I knew she was cheating…. I would have, without a doubt, brought it up to her in regards to making a lifelong committment to her FH. Thoughts?
Post # 16
There are some hard choices to be made. I think ejs has some good points about the bachelorette party. I think KateMW had a good point about already having a shower for her first wedding (assuming she did have a shower for her first wedding.)
I would personally have a hard time supporting a friend I knew was sheating. So based on that, I couldn’t hold it against you to tell her enough, and that you’d like to back out. It’s tough because it’s so close to the wedding, and ou probably could have backed out sooner. So maybe backing out based on this objection, isn’t that important.
As for the bridal duties, I actually would be flexible on hosting BP the morning of the wedding, and, again ejs’s idea on the bachelorette. I would decline the shower. If the other BMs are going to do the lion’s share of the work (fat chance) and pay for it, I’d be OK with having it at the house. But I don’t think she really has to have one. Even if it is traditional BP duties, I’m guessing that when you accepted, (since you’re not that close) you thought that she kind of needed a body to stand in. And that the other girls were going to do most of the work. And maybe there wouldn’t be so much work for anyone, since it’s a second wedding. But since you are getting stuck with so much planning, I definitely see how you’d start to feel taken advantage of. And really if she’s springing these things on you so close to the wedding, what can she do if you say you can’t handle planning or hosting these events with such little notice.
I’d probably just tell her you can’t swing most of this stuff. See where it takes you. If she hissy fits into outer space, and wants you out of the wedding, will it be that bad? I would hope if she’s at all reasonable, she’d understand. But if she’s not, will you feel awful backing out or being kicked out at the last minute? Or will you feel relieved?