Post # 1
So I’m gonna be a bridesmaid soon for my friend’s wedding in November. Well of course, she has yet to buy a dress since she’s apparently doing everything last minute. So being the good friend I am, I offered to get her a dress custom made as long as she’d go get measured by a professional seamstress first. Two days later she comes back to me and says she won’t have time to do it this week and that she’ll buy her own dress. Although I told her she had at least 2 months to get it done. Whatever though.
The thing that really bothers me about all of this, is the fact that before I offered to buy her a dress, I told her it wasn’t a problem since we were gonna give her the amount in cash or something near it anyway. So now I feel like she’s turning down my offer, just to get the cash. My FI agrees with me and says that what she did was downright rude and it’s just a cash grab. She’s pretty low on funds at this point and that was why I offered to buy her a dress that she wouldn’t need to get altered too much, if at all. But with her turning me down because she can’t do it this week, I can’t help but feel a little hurt that she turned down my generous gift, just to get some cash.
So my question is what would y’all do? Would you still get her a gift, or completely skip giving her anything at all other than a card? As a note, I’m spending over $1,000 to travel to her wedding where she didn’t want to feed any of her 200+ guests she’s inviting, until her mom told her it’d be bad ettiquette. I really feel like her wedding is becoming a cash grab, ugh!
Post # 3
@Tarheelgurl: maybe she did not fe comfortable in accepting your offer to pay for the dress? I would feel bad about someone (unless it was a well off parent etc) spending that amount of money on me and would likely decline.
Post # 4
@Lollybags: Well at first she said yes at first. And was really excited. Then out of the blue two days later, she said she couldn’t make it in the week and would look for her own dress after telling me about how broke she was and couldn’t afford to feed the 200+ guests she’s inviting. The thing I have a problem with is, she’s ok with taking my money in cash form, but not an actual gift.
Post # 5
You offered, she said no. That’s her loss. Just do as you would for anyone else and either get something from her register, or a gift if she doesn’t have one, or a not so generous gift card…ie compared to what you would’ve spent on the dress.
if she was hoping to have 200 guests and not feed them then it sounds like she is cash strapped, and would rather see the $$$ you’d be prepared to pay for the dress, and then spend alot less On it.
while I personally would’ve turned down such a nice gesture as well, I certainly wouldn’t have expected the cash in leiu.
i just can’t get my head around people who have weddings they can’t afford.
Post # 6
If you told her you’d be giving her that amount either way then I think you should keep your word. Who cares if it’s cash grabby? If that’s what she needs and that’s what you told her she would be getting I would feel awkward just giving her a card or something from the registry.
Post # 7
@Tarheelgurl: If she’s in the midst (procrastination or not) of planning a wedding and low on cash it seems to reason that she needs that cash for other things and hopes to get a less expensive dress.
I’m a procrastinator by nature myself. And I’m usually low on cash. I hoped I would get more cash at my wedding since I spent almost every dime I had on it and my idiot husband-to-be (now ex-husband) didn’t save for the ONE thing he was supposed to pay for (2 night honeymoon at a hotel for $700) He ended up borrowing the money from a friend to pay for the honeymoon and then when we only got $200 in cash from the wedding we couldn’t even make rent the first month! If someone had offered to pay for my dress I would have hoped for cash too.
Post # 9
A bridal gown is extremely personal. I can see why she turned down that gift. I also would have. I don’t want anyone else buying my gown for me, I want everthing about my dress to be my decision and my budget. It’s so personal that it’s really only the kind of thing a mom or MIL might normally appropriately suggest, IMO.
Post # 10
@Tarheelgurl: Sorry but I don’t see how it’s cash grabby in the least. You offered to buy her dress, she declined. No bride is required to accept any offer of help for her wedding, especially on something as major as the dress. Perhaps she wanted to feel she “owned” the dress decision completely. Perhaps she was too proud to let someone else pay for her dress. Who knows.
From here, give what you feel you are comfortable with giving, but give something. Don’t feel obliged to give a super expensive gift, cash or otherwise. (I certainly don’t subscribe to the theory that BMs need to give an extra generous gift).
Post # 11
I think it’s a little odd that you offered to buy her the dress anyway. I’d probably say no as well it’s something you buy yourself.
Why would you not give her the cash now??? Seems like your being a little spitful because she turned your offer down!
Post # 12
@Tarheelgurl: I think she has a right to be “cash-grabby” because you offered to give her cash in the first place. I think it’d be different if she turned down your offer for a dress and then rudely asked you for the cash equivalent of a dress.
And while it’s really very nice of you to offer, I’ll tell you that I’ve turned down a similar offer from my own MOH. In fact, I almost thought you were my MOH posting about me (my wedding is in November too).
In my case, my MOH has been offering generous amounts of money to pay for certain things. First, it was for a MUA, then it was for hair, then it was for a wedding dress, then it was for part of the honeymoon. As you can see, the amounts she was offering me gradually increased, but I assure you, I was not being grabby/holding out for more cash.
I have my reasons for turning her offers down, but specifically for the dress, I wanted to either pay for it myself or to let my mom pay for it (she’s been offering for forever). Problem was, my mom and I were both broke. If I didn’t luck out and find an amazing deal a month ago, I’d probably still be hunting for the most affordable sample dress off the rack. And that’d be ok, since I don’t really need a dress until August-September for alterations (wedding is end of November).
I’m not saying that my reason is the same as your friend’s, but just because you offer doesn’t mean she’s obligated to accept it. And it’s not cash-grabby if you offered her cash before she could ask for it.
Post # 13
Thanks for the replies everyone. I offered her the dress because I got tired of hearing her complain that she didn’t have enough money to buy a dress, etc, etc. And it wasn’t a huge amount either. But I saw a dress I thought she’d like on sale, and offered to buy it for her. She said she loved it, wanted it, and was excited. Then two days later she tells me that she doesn’t want it anymore cause she can’t find a seamstress to get measured. While a few days previous to that she was telling me about this great seamstress she knew, etc. So I know this is a cash grab, which if you want cash, whatever. Be up front with me about it. But don’t turn your wedding into a fundrasier. Which is what I feel she’s doing. And that’s probably why I’m the most upset at this point.
Post # 14
@Holly77: Agreed! Quit making this about you. I think it’s weird to offer to buy someone’s dress AND dictate when she has to be measured by. It’s her wedding– if she walks down the aisle in her PJs, it’s her day.
As far as it being a “cash grab”: You offered the cash. And I think it’s very sensible to take the money instead of spending it on a dress you’ll wear for a few hours.
Post # 15
@Tarheelgurl: Maybe she was offended and embarrassed to even be offered? I know that even if I Was hard up for cash, I would have a lot of trouble accepting one of my best friend’s buying a wedding dress for me.
Post # 16
I think it’s super awkward to offer to buy a friend’s wedding dress. I think it’s overstepping on your part, not cash grabby on hers. I also don’t understand why you feel you have to be vindictive now by not giving her anything? Seems like this whole drama is based on a lot of assumptions and almost no communication about what really happened, wich is always a tenuous situation….