- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
I am curious as to how others would handle my situation. I am a 27 year old bride and I have lived with my fiance during our five year (in Oct 2012) relationship. During the course of our relationship, I have handled many difficult family situations including a divorce, foreclosure, death of a close family member, etc. so he has naturally become my rock and my biggest supporter and confidant. My relationship with my father has always been rocky and marked by what a family friend recently called “daddy’s girl syndrome” – he’ll never be the kind of father I need and I’ll never live up to my expectations.
A year or two ago, my father went to prison for a year and 9 months, so he has essentially not been present for half of mine and my fiance’s relationship. He was not listed on my father’s visitors list, so they did not communicate much, but he dropped me off to visit him whenever I needed. Essentially, he didn’t see what happened as a deal breaker and he (my fiance) supported me. My fiance proposed in December without ‘asking’ my dad. This was likely because they don’t have enough of a relationship for this discourse to seem normal. He said he wanted to be a man about it and make a decision for our future, and though I know my dad might not immediately be happy, I agreed with and respected that decision. After the engagement, my father communicated some excitement, but it didn’t seem geunine and I knew something was up. He didn’t meet with us to celebrate for several months after and every time I said “Hey let’s go out and celebrate this happy moment” he kept me at bay. When the wedding was originally discussed, he sent inflamatory messages about it, so I didn’t discuss anything. I tried to move forward with the plans, and I did not include him because of my anger towards him. My dad has been working on building himself back up and getting back to work, he isn’t around often to discuss wedding plans.
Fast forward to now, July, and my fiance, my in-laws (who are wonderful), my Maid/Matron of Honor and close family friends and I decided that it’s really time to confront him on why he has not discussed the wedding with me and what he can contribute financially. (Or IF he can) I sent an email saying that we had decided that it might be best to each contribute (us, my fiance’s parents, my dad) the same amount. The email back communicated that it’s ultimately our decision but that he had certain connections. He seems to be upset that I have not included him, but he’s not made an opportunity to include himself. He seems to communicate “This is your decision” but then found fault with any idea we had. (We had considered getting married a few states away in the town where we got engaged) My father never answered another email about a budget, so I called him. When he made an attempt to get me off the phone and away from the topic, I lost it. I had been holding in a lot of emotion and it all came out. My father sent back several more inflammatory texts that attacked my fiance, how the engagement happened, our jobs, our place in life, and our decisions.
Long stoy short, he keeps demanding that we have the wedding in his town. (I believe he is pushing for this because he doesn’t have money to give us unless he can use places where he has connections) I am starting to just lean this way and give in to it because I’m sick of the argument, but my fiance does not want to do this. Is he stubborn? Yes. But he is also advocating for me and protecting me and what he knows I want. He also feels like my father is losing sight of the fact that this should be about us, making a happy event absolutely miserable for everyone involved, including him, and doesn’t feel like compromising what we want for our wedding and doing what he wants when he doesn’t respect us. I am open to a compromise across the board, by all involved, and trying to make all of us collectively happy maybe, but I feel like I am in between two people. One man who is everything I have ever needed and has supported me and someone who consistently puts me down and has really created an abusive, toxic relationship. I feel as if we take the path of “Screw you, this isn’t about you, and we’re going to do what we want” that it will result in debt and the end of my father and my relationship, but I’ll be starting my marriage off without feeling like I am under his control and I’ll have done something on my own terms, not his, for the first time in my life.
How do I attempt to honor them both? Or, do I stop honoring my dad altogether? How do I determine if he has crossed a line? How do I determine if my fiance is being stubborn and unfair by not wanting to agree to my dad’s ‘terms’?