Post # 1
<p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><font face=”Times New Roman” size=”3″>This is my first post ever on a website – so please bear with me. I am getting married in a week and am having a very large wedding with a very large wedding party. (370 people, 10 bridesmaids). There is so much that has had to be done and so much more to do and one of my bridesmaids continues to not be a part of our wedding. One of my bridesmaids, her and I have been friends for many many years, she always talked/badgered me about getting married, she couldn’t wait for me to get married, why was I waiting, she couldn’t wait to do this and that….Anyway 16 months ago when I asked her to be a bridesmaid she said “sure”. So 16 months later, other than her showing up to the shower, she has not contributed in any single way. She has been invited to help with the favors, get together to go with me to look at wedding dresses even to go with me to look at bridesmaids dresses and every single time she always came up with my child has soccer practice, my child has cub scouts, etc. When I was planning the shower she said she couldn’t pay for any of it, I told her that I was paying for the whole shower myself and to just come and have a great time. She brought her four children and I made sure they all received small gifts to play with and take home and they wanted to give me my presents to open up, when my own nieces and nephews wanted to, but I couldn’t say no since she marched her kids up to the head table in front of everyone. But I tried to make her and her children happy as usual. I have been to two of her baby showers, four baptisms, and countless birthday parties just to name a few. So today she emails me and tells me her daughter has something at night at school the night of the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and she doesn’t want to miss it, meanwhile this date has been planned for 12 months. She says her husband and parents could go but this is very important to her daughter and she can not come to my rehearsal dinner which is in a few days. She says she doesn’t need to come to the rehearsal since she has been in one wedding before and she “knows how to walk down the aisle”. She never once offers to come after the school function which ends 30 minutes before the rehearsal dinner starts. Not to mention, I have paid $41.00 a plate for her husband, her, and $21.00 each for her children. I even asked her the day the head count was due, which was 2 days ago! And she said they would all be there. I haven’t responded to the email because I am afraid to respond when I am upset. I am really trying hard not to be overbearing or controlling but is it too much to ask to be treated the way you treat people? I know friends should not keep score and I am really trying hard not to but when do you draw the line and stop being a doormat?? Is it wrong for me to be upset that she thinks the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner is just not important? To me and my fiancé’ and my family, the rehearsal is an extension of the wedding and it’s not just about seeing where to walk etc., It is to spend time together with people you have chosen to play a special role in your wedding and make memories that will last a lifetime with your friends and family. Part of me wants to tell her that every time I invited her to go with me somewhere, she hasn’t come and also made it feel like the wedding is an inconvenience. I am very hurt and made many sacrifices to attend her functions even ones that were hours a way…so am I being overly sensitive because I am upset she isn’t coming…especially when she knew so many months ago and two days ago said her and her family were coming??? Should I email her back telling her how I feel? What would you do and THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!!!</font>
Post # 3
It is really tough to balance even one child with other obligations, and your BM has 4 of them. The nighttime event probably came up at the last minute– maybe the daughter forgot to tell her parents about it until just now. It’s hard to understand when you’re not a parent, but when you have children, they become your life. Obviously your BM is going to put her children before you and your wedding. Also, she probably looks at it this way- you have 10 BMs and she’s just one of them. Also, her daughter is a child and won’t understand why mom wasn’t at this big important event of hers, but you’re an adult and you CAN understand that sometimes things come up. I do agree with you that the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are important. Why don’t you just ask her if she can come to the rehearsal dinner even if she misses the rehearsal? Try to be polite with her, and say that you understand that she’s unable to make the rehearsal, but that you’d love for her to be at the dinner with her family?
Post # 4
Maybe she doesn’t want to attend the rehearsal dinner because she feels bad about not being able to make the rehearsal, and doesn’t want to look like she’s just showing up for the food. Why don’t you suggest that as an option and see what she says? Explain that the rehearsal dinner is 30 minutes after the school function ends so the whole family would still be able to come.
Also, maybe this is horrid of me, but I would politely remind/hint her that she just confirmed 2 days ago that she would be able to make it and it’s too late to change the headcount with the caterer.
I understand being upset about the rehearsal dinner but please don’t be mad about everything else. You have really gone above and beyond to be a good friend to her but it doesn’t mean you should "expect" certain things back. As amandopolis said, her children are always going to come first. And she has four of them! That must keep her life super busy! Seriously, she can’t possibly in good conscience choose to spend time making favors with you or shopping for wedding dresses over spending quality time with her kids. Honestly, bridesmaids are really not required to do those kinds of things. It’s nice if they do but it is not required at all and it shouldn’t be seen as a rude gesture if they do not, especially when you have nine other bridesmaids – presumably some of them have fewer children and therefore more free time for this kind of stuff.
Post # 5
Thank you for your post!! You really made me calm down – I was so upset- if this was a school project I am sure my BM knew about it and helped her 11 year old daughter with it, so I sure she knew and it hurt that she told me last minute and now I have to pay so much money for all of her family, none of which are coming two days after she told me they were – but you may have just saved our friendship because I was going to tell her that I made sacrafices as well to be at her wedding, bridal shower, baby showers, etc…but I think I need to be "polite" because being any other way isn’t going to make anything better. Thanks again and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this with me.
Post # 6
Thank you emileee!! I am re-thinking what I was thinking and I am feeling much better….just fyi~ 6 of my bridesmaids live out of state, 2 are 15 years old and 13 years old, and 1 is 19 years old and goes to college and works full time…and this BM lives right around the corner. The other BM’s if they came in town, made sure to visit with me and also have large families, if they wanted to, they would bring there children in tow. I love children and am having 41 children at the wedding, so I have been trying so hard to accomodate families and respecting family time…I thought I wasn’t being overly sensitive as her children are always invited as well when I have asked her to come with me or come over but from the advice I am getting, I think I need to let it go. I will def. "politely" let her know she is more than welcome to come to the dinner if she would like.
Post # 7
I’m not sure the ages of her children, but as a mom, I don’t often find allowing my children to come along, is a very good option. They present more aggravation and opportunity for embarassment, frustration, or soemthing to get broken. And when you’re making up favors, it feels like you get nothing accomplished.
However, I have to say, I think you have a point to be upset. I have kids, so I understand their little events come first, but you have a point in that she had RSVPed yes to the rehearsal and all of a sudden can’t make it. Assuming she’s honest about why she can’t make it, I think at the least she is being disorganized. I think both your wedding and her children’s events should be important enough for her to put them on the calendar so that this sort of thing doesn’t happen. Also, (for me) depending on the child’s event, I might choose something like a wedding rehearsal over the kiddie event. (Are we talking one of many soccer games? Or a one time school play?)
I understand having 4 kids can causes families to cut back, financially. So maybe your friend doesn’t have a ton of money. However, if she can’t afford to be in the wedding, she should have been upfront with you. And to throw in, I feel your pain about being there for her, and not feel reciprocated now that it’s your turn.
However, sometimes wedding stuff gets crazy with friends. If you can ride it out until the wedding is over, without saying or doing something to destroy the friendship, you might find things settle down. Maybe she is jealous of all of your exciting new experiences. She is waist deep in kid stuff. It’s that time in her life. Maybe she wishes to be doing something more exciting right now. You’re going on an exciting honeymoon. She probably couldn’t get away if she wanted to. And who knows if she could afford it? Also, could she be intimidated that there are so many BMs? Do the other Bms know each other, and she doesn’t know anyone? Also, some of the things that you mentioned, for whateverreason, some BMs don’t want to do. (Making favors, dress shopping). I. personally, would love to help with that stuff. But from these boards I get the impression some BMs either don’t want to or aren’t able to do much more than show up for the wedding.
Post # 8
I think you definitely have a right to be upset – I know I would be! It is especially upsetting (and rude) since she RSVPed that her entire family would be there (which sounds like six people) and is now saying that none of them are coming?
I also think you make a good point – you say you went to baptisms, baby showers, all of which you made time for. I don’t think it’s fair that once people have kids, they no longer have to support their friends. I’m sure that’s an unpopular opinion when people have kids, but if you want to keep close friendships you have to work on them and do things for them.
Because it’s unpopular, there’s really nothing you can do. If you get upset, she’ll say that she can’t ignore her kids for your wedding and you cannot win that argument, because it’s true. I do think it’s totally okay to send an e-mail back saying you’re upset that she won’t be able to make it, and I think it is also okay to say that you are mad that 2 days ago she RSVPed for 6, and now it is too late to change it and those 6 aren’t coming. That would make me feel better.