Bridemaid possibly not coming to destination wedding :(

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

Can she make both? I know it’s the same month, but is it the same weekend?

Post # 4
Member
5351 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

First question, did she say that she is for sure not going to yours? She may in fact be trying to work it out to go to both. 

I went through something similar but it wasn’t for something as big as a wedding. Two of my good friends (one of which is my longer term best friend) were having their big 30th birthday parties around the same time. Initially I was going to stay in town and go to one and then travel for the other. Well due to family issues my longer time best friend (call her friend 1) switched her party to the same weekend as my other friend, although I had already committed to friend 2. I was TORN. It’s hard to weigh one friendship against another, so I decided to try to not do that. Instead I told friend 1 that I had to stick with the commitment of friend 2. I took emotion out of it and just looked at it logically. Ideally this is what people would do, but it’s not an easy decision, so I don’t judge those who do factor in emotion or other things in their decision.   

It sucks when one friendship is against another in a case like this. But speaking from someone who has been in the position of your BM, trust me; it is tearing her apart because she wants so badly to be there for both of you! If for some reason she isn’t able to go to yours please try not to hold it against her. I would have been devastated if either of my friends held my decision against me, as I truly love them both! 

Post # 5
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The polite thing to do is to honor her first commitment.

Post # 7
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

It’s never fun when out besties can’t be at our weddings!

Post # 8
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Ugh, that is hard :-(!  It would make more sense to still go to yours (unless the other person was a sister or close relative or something), but that is still not a fun situation to be in.  If it were me, I would probably be hurt if she chooses the other friend, but I would try very hard to not let your feelings show unless you want to risk loosing the friendship over it (if you’re very close friends and the other friend isn’t very close then it might be worth calling her out though, but it depends on the situation).  

Post # 10
Member
6023 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Has she known this friend longer? Is she closer to the other bride than she is to you? Not saying that makes it right to no longer attend yours because she did commit to yours first, but I can see how she would lean towards the other bride. Now, if she’s closer to you and choosing the other bride solely because she got the title of MOH, I’d be pissed.

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

mrsjenie:  Whaat!  That makes it even more difficult, I would have her over for girls’ night and just mention it casually (don’t make her feel attacked or anything for choosing the other one if she does, or even before she chooses), abuse is never good and if she is friends with the other bride she needs to be looking out for her safety (mentally and physically) rather than blindly supporting her (choosing which wedding to attend aside).  

Post # 13
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

mrsjenie:  do they clash or is it a finance or holiday time problem? If it’s financial is there anyway you could help?

Post # 14
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

If she committed to yours first it is bad form to decline it on account of someone else.

That is like the classic bad manners case of agreeing to go to a Dance with John.. and then when Peter calls, agreeing, and then telling John they can’t come. 

It sounds quite disloyal to you and perhaps it was her duty to decline the other girl who asked her at short notice.

Perhaps you could promote another friend to her role? A best friend is someone you should be able to depend on.

Post # 15
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - My parents' back yard

mrsjenie:  I was heartbroken when my best friends asked me to be her MOH and then told me her wedding was going to be at a 5 star resort in Antigua. Because I now live in Australia it would have taken me over 50 hours each way. My Husband and I calculated that if we both went to this wedding it would cost about $16,000 for the flights and the resort. I always pictured that we would be in each others’ weddings (she was in mine) but I had to tell her it wouldn’t be possible. A destination wedding was what she and her fiance wanted and I had to respect that. She completely understood but we were both disappointed.

With a destination wedding it can be hard. If that’s how the couple would like to celebrate their union it’s a beautiful way to do it, but they must understand that some guests and even potentioal members of the wedding party won’t be able to celebrate with you.

That being said, if she committed to yours first it is a bit in bad form if she is attanding another destination wedding instead of yours. I would gently bring it up with her and explain how you feel. It’s too bad that this other wedding is so close to yours.

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