Bride's brothers as groomsmen

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You’re being extremely accommodating. While I see their point in that the older brother is typical represented more prominently in a bridal party than a younger brother might if you had to choose, I don’t know entirely if it is their right to choose the bridal party or have final say on that, even if they are paying for the whole wedding. It seems a little over controlling on their part.

Why not reserve older brother to do a reading? Would that suffice and highlight him enough?

Post # 4
Member
8910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Wow.  You need to find a way to tell your parents to back the F off before they take over your entire wedding.  Trust me, it’s just going to get worse otherwise.

Post # 7
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It stinks because, as you mentioned in your original post, your parents are paying for the wedding. If you fail to accommodate them, do you run the risk of them choosing not to pay for something (or for everything)? That certainly is a pickle and I don’t envy the situation you find yourself in.

My honest feeling is that if you have three brothers and there is talk of including them in the wedding party…then all three should be included (but that’s just me!!) It means you wouldn’t have to “unask” anyone. I had 5 bridesmaids and my husband had 6 groomsman (he included my brother as the 6th groomsman and I just chose to leave my girls at 5…I didn’t mind the lop-sided-ness).

Your family dynamics are distinct and individual, so only you can truly discern what the fallout of this situation might be. Good luck! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 8
Hostess
9910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

wow.  I see their point but WOW.

My brothers – 22 and 7 – will not be groomsmen.  FH has met the 22nd twice (in 9 years) and although he’s actually really close with the 7 year old he’s clearly not going to be a groomsman.  I’ve made the choice not to ask FH to put my brothers in the party.  We’ve dicussed it, and if my oldest brother wants to, we will ask him to be an usher.  My younger brother and FH’s nephew will be junior ushers and hand out fans, water, programs etc.  I don’t think it’s fair to insist that FH make my brother, that he hardly knows and that I’m not particularly close with a GM.

Post # 9
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@meaghan608:  I know your parents are paying, but I think they’re way out of line.  Your FI gets to choose his own groomsmen, your parents do not get a say.  You and your FI have already been more accomodating than most by agreeing to remove one of your FI’s best friends in order to please your parents, and now they’re further limiting his choice in the matter by dictating WHICH brother it has to be?

I think you might need to gently remind your parents that this is YOUR and YOUR FIANCE’S wedding, not theirs, and it is about both your AND his side of the family and both your AND his friends.  Who you choose to stand up with you is a personal decision, and while your parents may have control over many financial decisions, who is in your bridal party is NOT a financial decision. 

This wedding isn’t about your mom and dad’s family.  It’s about you and your fiance coming together to form your OWN family, and the wedding should be treated as such. 

Post # 10
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@meaghan608:  I see. I’m familiar with Catholic masses. So A) You’re not insane. B) Why not have both older brother AND younger brother as groomsmen. I know that would mean 6 BM and 7 GM, but this way you’re not rolling over completely, you are compromising and including older brother as requested. Does it have to be an even bridal party?

Post # 11
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can sort of see both sides here. On the one hand, of course your FI ought to get to choose his own groomsmen and that’s just that. But on the other hand, your parents are right — this decision can have a very long-lasting impact far beyond just the day of the wedding.

When my sister got married, my brother was not included in the bridal party but her husband’s 3 sisters were all bridesmaids for her. She was close to her husband’s sisters; her husband was not close to my brother. It seemed like an easy decision.

They got married four years ago and my mother is STILL sore about how they “excluded our side of the family from the wedding but oh of course there was still space for all HIS sisters to be bridesmaids.”

So when it was my turn to get married, I basically informed DH that my brother would be one of his groomsmen. He was kind of upset, since he hardly knew my brother at the time — why would he want someone he hardly knew as a groomsman? But I insisted, and sure enough, DH and my brother are now very close and DH is SO HAPPY that we were able to include the whole family in our bridal party. No feelings were hurt, everybody was happy, and it was no skin off our backs.

So I think in your case, you may just want to include all your brothers in the bridal party — even if the parties are uneven. It won’t harm you any to do that, and if it keeps the peace, then what’s the downside? Of course you don’t HAVE to do this, but I’m telling you — based on my sister’s wedding, you would be SHOCKED how long people can stay upset about stuff like that!!

Post # 12
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@iarebridezilla:  +1, I agree that family should be included. You have the rest of your lives to deal with those people, it’s a nice gesture to make 😛

OP, this is why I’d never let anyone pay for my wedding. I’d rather have something basic that I paid for on my own and could control than an event that doesn’t even reflect who my partner and I are as a couple.

Post # 13
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@meaghan608:  personally, i would feel funny only including one brother in the bridal party. In my situation, I have one brother who without a doubt is included in the bridal party because I feel that the girls and the guys are shared amongst FI and I…if that makes sense.

Post # 14
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I think the groomsmen should all be friends of your husband.  If you had one brother and he had one sister, it might be traditional to include them to symbolize the uniting of the family, but stacking three brothers and cutting his friends is not appropriate.  It doesn’t present a unity if he’s having to cut people to fit in your family members. I would tell your parents that comes off as unwelcoming of your fiancée by belittling the roles of the people who are important in HIS life.   Also, while it’s traditional for young brides to have their family pay for the wedding, it is not traditional for your mom to pick which or how any of your fiancee’s friends are honored.  Since the men often pay to rent their own tuxes, your fiancée can ask whoever he wants to don one and stand with him, it doesn’t cost your family a thing.

Post # 16
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I know you think not having them pay for the wedding will make more problems than it is worth but trust me, do it now. It will be hard and it will hurt but if they are doing this now just think about the whole wedding planning process when you have to fight over every little detail. I have gone through it. My parents were paying for the wedding and they kept saying they only wanted to make me happy, that was there goal but I ended up crying more than happy. You want to look back and think of how happy this day was not the fight it took to get to the day. I will regret not taking the wedding over sooner forever. Also this has a flow over into the rest of your life, let them walk all over you now and then they think they can walk all over you in your married life and with your kids. Because they have been parents and they know better than you how to raise children. It took a really hard fight and me having to cut them off for a while but my parents are starting to realize that even if they don’t like how I am living my life it is my life and I am going to live it how I want it and they are going to have to deal with that to be part of my life. You just have to stand up for yourself, since you are the only one who can do it.

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