Post # 1
I have opened a savings account to ensure that costs of our wedding are paid for (hopefully) by the time that SO and I get engaged.
I told my parents this and my dad knows that we aren’t ‘officially’ wedding planning, but that we have every intention of getting married hence the saving. Dad said he plans to talk with my SO after he asks for my hand in marriage about having a South Florida beach wedding (where my parents/most of my family live) and he will pay for it. SO wants a mountain river wedding and has even just asked why my parents wouldn’t write a check and let us plan our wedding (only to me in confidence and not to my father).
My father is somewhat traditional when it comes to finances, and he is not willing to just write a check for the wedding that SO wants to have.
It seems like if my father is willing to help us out with the cost of a Florida beach wedding, I say that sounds like a great idea.
I’m just curious to know if what the etiquette is for this as far as him wanting to pay for a wedding where my family is from and should we be more respectful to my father’s wishes.
Or-should we just pay for it ourselves as financially independent adults as we have planned?
FWIW-I do not care if it’s a mountain river wedding or a beach wedding, I just want to get married haha.
Post # 3
IMO, of someone wants to contribute to your wedding, thst doesn’t give them the right to demand/dictate any of the details.
If your dad won’t give you any money unless you do the wedding “his way”, I would politely say thanks-but no thanks, and continue with the plan of planning your wedding you want.
You and your soon-to-be-fi need to plan the wedding you both want, regardless of who may or may not help you pay for it.
Post # 4
Also.. Ps- you aren’t “daddy’s little girl” anymore, you are soon to be a wife, and IMO it would be wise of you to stand by your FI on this one.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I voted that whomever pays (i.e. is the host of the event) gets to be the decision maker. But I would also say that that is one of the many reasons why we paid for our wedding ourselves. We wanted control over something that was so significant in our lives, and we were not willing to let others make decisions for us. Since your FI is pretty clear in what he wants, you may need to tell your Dad that while you appreciate his offer, you are chosing a different path for yourselves.
Post # 6
If he isn’t willing to be flexible, his money probably isn’t worth it. The location of your wedding should be something BOTH of you are excited about – if your FI isn’t into it, there’s no amount of money that can make up for that. Talk to your dad about what you two want – if he isn’t willing to contribute unless it’s the wedding he wants, then I wouldn’t take his money. Think about all the other things you may have to compromise on at your father’s insistence.
Post # 7
I am a proponent of having the wedding where the bride grew up.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - EDD 06/12/2016
My father is paying for my wedding and hasn’t made any decision for us… He just lets us pick whatever we want and pays.. I don’t think thats fair what your father is doing.
Post # 9
Men have dream weddings too. They may not always be as detailed as those of women, but they do have some idea of what their wedding will be like in their head (My FI’s extends to me wearing a whitish floor length dress and being married by a man. I agreed not to get a tea length dress and he compromised on being married by a woman, it just took him a bit to wrap his head around). If you don’t have a preference I say plan your FI’s dream wedding and plan on paying for it yourselves.
Post # 10
@veryberry13: I agree with PP. Offering to help pay for a wedding shouldn’t mean you get to dictate the wedding plans. But, as it is your dad’s money he might decide to not give it to you to use how you want. Have you talked to him about what you and your FI want for a wedding? I would try talking to him and explaining the type of wedding you two want and see what he says. If he will only pay for a wedding in Florida, you and your FI have to decide what’s more important to you, saving money or having a specific venue.
Post # 11
If you pay you get a say – so just talk about it with your FI. If saving money for other things is important to you, you guys might want to take your dad up on the offer. If he really wants his vision of the wedding, then save away.
Personally, my father is paying for ours, and it is in my home state. However, FI and I would have gotten married there regardless of who pays, so I don’t have any real advice for you on that front.
Post # 12
I think the host (person who bears the bulk of the costs) gets to have a lot of discretion in where the wedding will be hosted. Sayin. “I will pay for your wedding” as my parents have is different than a gift of $10,000 or whatever amount offered.
I’ve been running every little detail past my family and cc’ing my mother on emails because they are hosting. If they just handed me a cheque, it would be a different matter altogether.
Honestly, if my FI ever said, “why don’t they just give us the money so we could do what we want?” I’d tell him that my father is not a bank machine, and that as a grown man, doing what you want means bearing the financial cost.
Post # 13
The one paying has all the saying !
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Ideally you would get to plan your own wedding with money gifted from family… but if the gift comes with strings attached, you have to respect that. Either go with the strings or use your own money.
Post # 15
@letigre: Honestly, if my FI ever said, “why don’t they just give us the money so we could do what we want?” I’d tell him that my father is not a bank machine, and that as a grown man, doing what you want means bearing the financial cost
Post # 16
If it meant a free wedding, I’d be all over that beach location.