Post # 1
Brides – should I invite in laws who have caused my husband and me nothing but grief for the past 7 years that we have lived together? They are all either divorced or senoir spinsters who have had a lot of bad luck in their relationships and marriages. FIL and MIL are together but are always fighting. The SILs and BILs are constantly attacking each other on Facebook and writing hate mails to each other, even death threats. There have been cases of physical abuse – thankfully, though they are constantly talking trash about me, we moved far away from them and hardly ever see them – though my husband has to contend with their abusive phone calls and emails. He is a loving and reasonable person and has tried to bring the family together, but they are all so selfish and use such opportunities to try and wreck our relationship. I come from a stable family where people understand their boundaries and respect marriage, and I would like to bring up my two girls with the same values.
Now we have saved enough money for our wedding – which is the first in the family. MIL keeps saying she is coming then the next day she has changes her mind. This hurts my hurts my husband very much, but he wants her there and keeps begging her to come. She has poisoned the rest and told them not to attend the wedding. FIL is the only one who has promised to be there. My whole family is excited and helpful and can’t wait to attend. That’s why I don’t undestand what the in-laws problems are.
Should I send them invitation cards or should we exclude them altogether? My husband says he will stand by my decision but I can see that he is hurt and would like them to attend.
Post # 3
In my opinion, since you both do have a relationship with his family, you should invite them. If y’all are wanting to cut ties, then be upfront and you both need to tell them. I think your FI needs to get past this dream that his mother is going to do the things he wants. (We only feel disappointed when our expectations of what will happen aren’t met) I understand first hand how hard it is to realize that your parent is not capable of doing or being what you need. It’s tough, but unfortunately it is life. If I were in your situation I would invite them but make it clear that you are not playing this game with them and they will either show up or they won’t and either way is fine. You don’t want to hear about the back and forth and changing their minds all the time. It sounds like your FI is not excusing their behavior on soom level by being hurt instead of angry. People are who they are and no amount of being hurt or wishing is going to change that.
Post # 4
Don’t invite them. They sound like self centered psychopaths who will ruin your day and make everything about them and if you guys have worked hard to save for your beautiful day, I would not run the risk of having it ruined by dysfunctional and destructive family members.
I know that sounds harsh but I don’t have tolerance for that kind of crap. Blood or not, NO ONE should have to deal with that horrible drama in their life. It’s too short!
Just lie to them and say you went to the courthouse and did it and try to keep the wedding a secret/block any wedding pics on FB, etc. lol
Post # 5
Hey Date Twin!
I have had to deal with this situation before, only it was my dysfunctional family. My FI and I are also footing the bill for EVERYTHING.I think u should put the invite out there just so there is no regrtes about not having his family there. I think you need to sit down with them with ur FI and tell them that you would like them to be a part of your your day but you will not tolerate all their nonsense.Make it clear that if they are not there to support you guys then for them not to even bother showing up.Get it all out in the open and let them decide.Whatever happens enjoy ur day don’t let anybody put a damper on your day!
Post # 6
This sounds like a judgement call for your FI to make to be honest. They are his family so maybe he should decide?
Post # 7
Invite them. Leave it up to them to seal the deal with ending relationships. You can be the bigger people in this and hope for the best (even though I know these people will probably do something shitty in the end…they always do for me). If you invite them and they don’t come the ball is in their court. Don’t let the wedding be something that you alienate them with, even though you want to. Extend the olive branch.
However, if on the other hand your FI says not to invite them then it is his choice and I say GO WITH IT! Since it is his side of the family, I think it is ultimately his choice to make, but your feelings are part of that decision too. What does your FI say about inviting them? Sit down and draw out your plan with each other. I’m sorry you have to go through this! By all means in my opinion they sure as hell don’t deserve to come to the wedding. But if it can be a chance for a new and better beginning for you all then maybe there is still hope.
Post # 8
Ladies – thank you so much for your responses, means a lot to me at this time of loneliness and alienation. FI obviously wants them to come, but I fear that they may do something embarrasing to us. They have a history of being loud and foul-mouthed, even at funerals. This is the first wedding in their family. MIL has repeatedly said that she is giving us time to get divorced. The other BILs and SILs cant hide their spite and ill feelings. FI seems to be used to the drama he grew up with, so he still wants them at the wedding. Sometimes I feel that maybe he enjoys it, because they make him so miserable and depressed and he keep crawling back to them! I don’t want my wedding ruined in front of my two daughters who are flowergirls!
Post # 9
From the outside, I feel that your fiance is right in wanting his family there. He is used to them being ridiculous and it probably won’t ever change in the future. But I don’t see it as crawling back, I see it as loving the family that you grew up in. But of course, what I say may be wrong because I don’t know him or his family. Just some thoughts.
If you simply decide not to invite them, you can almost ensure yourself that they will continue to act like this towards you. “She didn’t even invite us to the wedding.. I knew she was etc etc”. I totally get what you’re saying though. You don’t want to expose your daughter to that. I wouldn’t want to either. But there are so many things we can’t save our loved ones from. I say invite them and let them choose whether they come or not. Try to have somebody there who is good at de-escalating situations so that you’re wedding won’t be completely ruined. Hope this helps! 🙂
Post # 10
If you really believe they will try to trash or ruin your wedding day I’d say NO, do not invite them. Do not let anyone ruin this important day for you guys.
But on the otherhand, you don’t want to regret not inviting them after the fact. Esp if FI would really like them there. I’d say let him decide. This one’s tough.
Post # 11
I think your FI really needs to make the decision about his family. Breaking contact with a family is a very tough job, no matter how bad the family is. And he can’t be pushed to do it on your schedule.