Post # 1
Ok, I actually still ‘have’ my Mom, but she is not involved in helping me with my wedding at all. She is actually my biggest wedding stress.
My Mom is a reclusive alcoholic with severe social anxiety issues and has health wise deteriorated. My Mom is happy for me and so far says she will be coming to the wedding but really I’m not sure, I have no way of knowing how she will be on my wedding day.
It’s really hard doing this without her. Planning my biggest day without the help of my Mom. I have a really good support in my Step Mom and my Mother-In-Law but it feels like I’m missing a huge piece of this and I feel guilty that she isn’t involved more, but that’s by her own actions.
So many of our wedding decisions are based around – will my Mom be able to handle that? It really sucks.
My wedding day will be bittersweet no matter what – either my Mom will come and I will be stressed about her well being and behaviour, or she won’t come and I’ll miss her.
It’s hard doing this without a ‘normal’ Mom to help and be part of this.
Post # 3
I don’t have my mom either, she passed away about 5 years ago, so I can sympathize it’s tough to be doing this stuff when you feel like your mom should be part of it! I almost think it would be harder to be in your shoes where things are unpredictable though! At least my mom will be doing a predictable nothing on my big day! Anyways my best advice so far is to surround yourself with the best supports you can for stuff where it feels like she should be present, and don’t be scared to speak up and tell those supports when it’s getting you down!
Post # 4
My mother passed away 23 years ago when I was only 17…I have no concept of what it would be like to have a relationship with my mother as an adult so I guess that it is just “normal” to me.
Sorry that I have no advice.
Post # 5
@Utopia4us: Thanks that’s nice, and I do have a good group of other ladies.
Sorry for you that you don’t have your Mom around. It’s hard doing this no matter what without your Mom in whatever way you don’t have her.
Post # 6
I can relate. My mom has numerous mental health issues and she makes extremely poor choices including substance abuse. She is barely involved in my life, but she will be invited to my future wedding. I am not even engaged yet, but since SO and I have a firm timeline for engagement/wedding I am totally stressing about my mom and how she will behave. She has yet to meet my Future Mother-In-Law or stepmom and I can see those meetings ending in disaster. I’ve recently decided that once I am formally engaged, I am going to sit down with mom and let her know my expectations from her during my shower, wedding, etc. if she cannot or willnot meet my expectations, then she can’t be involved. It may sound harsh, but practically and emotionally I know that I can’t worry about what she’s doing/ how she’s acting on my wedding day. Nor should I have to. I’ve also decided that I will ask certain family members- an aunt or two- to “babysit” her so that she doesn’t cause any scenes. It’s almost like she needs to be treated like a child and have a timeout if she misbehaves. I don’t know if any of that might work for your situation, though. I’m at a point with her where I will not allow her to dictate my life & decisions. I have wasted too much time worrying and crying and trying to help her (and watching her ignore my help).
Bottom line: It sucks. I so badly want to be one of those brides whose mother is there helping pick the gown and making me feel like the most special girl in the world. I would love to be able to share this happy time with her. I just have to focus on the good & positive people in my life who love me. This is the hand that I was dealt and somehow I will make the best of it.
Hang in there and really try to focus on yourself and your Fiance. This is such a beautiful time in your lives and you deserve every happiness.
Post # 7
I’m a bride without a dad. FI is also without a dad. His has past, mine is someone I don’t want anything to do with.
Post # 8
First ((Hugs)) Planning a wedding without the support of your mother can be difficult and heart breaking. I can relate my mom passed away almost 6 years ago. The loss of my mother turned my already alcoholic father, into a severely depressed reclusive alcoholic.
My fears for our wedding were
1. That my father would get too anxious and not show up or get too drunk at the hotel before to even participate.
2. Show up and get smashed at the party and embarrass us. He is known for drinking to the point of not being able to walk/falling off his chair etc.
In order to avoid either of these happening I put a plan in place in advance.I made sure he had someone with him the whole day before the wedding, basically a babysitter to make sure he showed up and that he wasn’t plastered when he did. AND I briefed the waitstaff and bartenders before the reception to make my father’s first scotch and soda full strength but for every drink after that it was to be extremely watered down. We even had a specific waiter assigned to his table to make sure there was only 1 person serving him.
In the end all of my pre planning worked out and my father (although he did drink) had a GREAT time! He was so happy to see all of the friends and family that he had shut out over the past few years and he even made plans to see a few different people. (and he kept them!)
I just want you to know that there is hope that your mother will come around. This is a wonderful excuse to get her out of the house to celebrate something beautiful.
Post # 9
@BelleFille: Hugs to you, our situations sound very similar. I can totally relate to that notion of feeling the need to ‘babysit’.
It’s true to make the best of it, I think the same way, this is what I got dealt, so I do my best. It is just so…emotionally…draining. I’m sure you know what I mean.
@piglover: That’s absolutely amazing that your Dad did so well! You must have been so relieved and so proud of him! I’m really hoping my Mom does the same and enjoys herself. That would be so great. It would be huge if she did. fingers crossed.
Post # 10
@Sunshine09: Thanks 🙂 It’s nice to find someone who gets it. Sometimes my SO has a hard time understanding how I feel about it all.
It is totally draining sometimes. I’m expecting it to get worse too, when I’m in the thick of planning. I hope everything works out well for you. Keep us posted if you’d like.