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I am so sorry...
I really have no advice that I can offer you. I know the cultural differences are really hard. Is there anyone else; a male, that might be able to talk some sense into him???
I hope you are able to get everything worked out. And if you have to elope, it wouldn't be such a bad thing. The only other alternative would be to push the wedding out a year; maybe you can talk to the venue and see if the can reschedule for you. You could use that extra time to save up some money to pay for the wedding yourselves; it doesn't have to be elaborate and you can invite whoever you want. Your dad wouldn't even need to show up, if he didn't want to. I know that would be hard on you, but it might be a viable option.
I'm so sorry your wedding is getting canceled. When parents are paying for the wedding they usually have some say. In this case if your father doesn't like the place can you two come up with some sort of compromise? Like have a few bottles of wine or hard liquor on the table?? In the end do what is right for you and FI its not about everyone else.
"Talking to him only complicates problems. He just yells and screams at me, and my mom."
To me, this is a bigger problem than losing out on a wedding deposit.
Could a couple of bottles of wine be placed on each table? Could that be your compromise? Or does the venue not allow alcohol beverages on the table? Or is the issue something else -like the cost of your wedding much higher that he realized it would be- the issue, but he doesn't want to admit it? I'm a parent, and I'm not into heavily impressing people, but for my daughter's wedding on a budget it was important for me to make it nice. It is a pretty big thing for parents not to feel embarrassed with what they can provide for a wedding.
*hugs* I don't have any advice other than to breathe. Eloping is a perfectly lovely alternative.
I am sorry you are going through this.
However, I am a little confused if your father is willing to pay for an open bar why don't you just have an open bar?
Now... I understand you're upset... but it seems pretty obvious your parent's approval is important to you. So, how would they feel about you eloping? From your post I get the feeling your dad would be furious. HOWEVER, if it is something you end up wanting to do I'm sure there are plenty of people here that would be willing to help you!
Hope it all works out!
It's so hard for me right now I have been literally crying my eyes out the past two days. My wedding has been canceled, and it really depresses me. My dad is very adamant about having drinks on the table, but when I asked him to come look at the venue with my fiancé and I before we signed the contract he refused to come. My poor mom has been scrambling to find a place and my dad well he doesn’t really give a sh*t. He has let me down in the past but this takes the cake. I can’t get out of bed and imp so depressed. My fiancé and mom have been extremely understanding and supportive of me, and I am glad that I have that right now.
My mom spoke to my uncle about this other venue since he knows the owner and we can get a discount. Honestly, it’s not bad but it’s not a place I would envision myself getting married. so im at a point right now where im agreeing to get married at this place on a completely different date to keep my mom happy.
because that is not good enough for him. he wants to either have waiters who pour ur drinks or he wants the drinks on the table. he doesnt want people waiting in line to get a drink that bothers him.
the venue doesnt allow drinks on the table and extra waiters costs $2000 K and he is NOT willing to pay for it.
honestly, i dont care about what my dad thinks or if it hurts his feelings. he has been hurting my feelings and he doesnt care so why should i? also when i was crying my mom told him look what you did you made her cry and he replied with let he cry! i really dont care!
so if he doesnt care why should i right? problem is just because i dont care about him doesnt mean i dont care about my mom. i want my mom to be there we are close and i love her so much. plus i want my MIL and FIL to be there too. my situation just stinks. we dont have the money to plan the wedding and my IL dont either. my family is pretty well off so they agreed to pay for the wedding. now my dad has a change of heart. im stressed out, and i dont know what to do.
Could you not ask your father to compromise? My father is pretty stubborn as well and when we first started planning he'd have little temper tantrums over stupid things. Eventually I learnt that having all of the information in writing for him or making charts etc. to show him what I was talking about worked best. That way he felt more like he was seeing the whole picture and I wasn't just trying to do things my way when he was paying for it. We're now just a few weeks away and I'm very surprised that he's kept a level head especially when the bill just came in!
Try to think of ways you can present new ideas to him that will help him understand the big picture. If you show him how classy and elegant the food choices are maybe he won't be so put off by the cash bar or print out photos of your venue in comparison to the new venue etc. etc.
Also, you could suggest purchasing a wine package and having bottles on each table in addition to the cash bar. It would probably only cost a few hundred dollars at the very most. That way people can have a couple of free drinks and pay for more if alcohol if they choose. You could always take the angle that going this route will make your father look good by providing alcohol, but will stay classy by not forcing too much alcohol on your guests. Whatever you choose to say, just use your words carefully. Show him the pros to your ideas, but do it in a way that his generation (or your culture for that matter) understands. He may not get why you need x, x,x, and x items but hopefully if you can be skilled with words and examples you will be able to proove your point.
Good luck!
I'm sorry that you're having to cancel your wedding, but sounds like you have alteratives...seek them out before canceling. I understand where you are coming from because we had the same reservation about having an open bar vs having drinks on the table too (that's what it's customary for weddings we attend). We ended up going with an open bar and having drinks on tables of those that are our parents guests. We don't think it's right to have our elder guests stand in line waiting for drinks so we want to at least have the drinks at their tables for them to pour themselves...we have to buy the cognac and pay for the corkage fee. I'm sure if you explain it to your venue, they would do the same.
1. It sounds like your dad has some serious issues with respecting women.
2. Why not just pay for the wedding yourself and bypass all of this? I think it is sad that your father can't see that his way is not the way of every other person around him. If it were my father, i'd just step around him and live my life the way I want to. Sticking to your guns and your independence is the best way to handle this, in my opinion.
I'm wondering why the venue can't put drinks on the tables? If it's venue policy, they might be willing to bend it rather than lose the event (they'd get to keep your deposit, but no guarantee they'll rebook the time-slot). If it's law, then shouldn't the same law apply at the other venue that your father would prefer? Could you bring your predicament to venue staff and ask them to speak directly with your father to explain the policy and come up with a compromise? If you've already canceled, then ignore all of this... either way, I'm so sorry. That sounds really stressful.
we dont have the money to throw a wedding. my fiance and i have just graduated. that is why we were thinking of eloping, but i am my mothers only daughter and I hate to do that to her, but i dont have any other choice.
I think you should just elope. It sounds like way too much of a headache for me. That way you can have more control over what is best for the two of you.
Just pay for the wedding yourself at the same venue or move to a smaller more money smart venue you can afford. EVEN better just elope like you said and have a massive dinner/dace party with family and friends! You can make a great reception for yourself with little money!
Dont let people push their personal wants and needs onto you for your wedding. take control of the situation and make the best of it! :)
People clearly aren't reading-- she and her fiance are new grads and CAN'T AFFORD to pay for it themselves.
This is an aside, but it just screams affluent privilege to say, oh just pay for it yourself. Not everyone is in a position to save up a few thousand dollars in just a few months. It is breaking her heart that she may have to elope because that's all she can afford, how does it help to say, oh just throw the same wedding and pay for it?
Honestly THIS is why I am paying for my own wedding. I mean I understand you want to get married right away, so ELOPE and then save for the big party. And I agree I think the underlining issue is that your father does not respect you. I mean you already have an open bar, what more does he want?! And too PP, I know there can be different liquor licenses depending on how you want to serve the alcohol and they cost more, so that is why there is probably such an additional cost. PLUS you have to pay the wait staff.
@figment:It screams "affluent privelege" to pay for something yourself? To me it screams privelege to expect something you can't afford to pay for yourself.
I understand she can't afford to pay for THIS wedding herself, but I think the advice is to pay for her own wedding on a scale that she can afford. If working and compromising with her father is getting her nowhere, her best option is to pay for something herself on her own terms - even if that means eloping.
If you want your mom there, invite her! Invite your parents and your in-laws and it's your father's choice to attend or not.
One of the many lessons I've learned while planning my wedding is that when other people's money is involved, their opinions matter--even though it's your wedding. If I were you, I'd talk to the venue and see if you could have a bottle or two on each table, and tell them your situation: it's your dream venue, but your parents absolutely refuse to let you get married there unless there's drinks on the table.
If the venue is not willing to compromise, and this is really that big of a deal to your dad, and he won't provide the $ to pay for waiters to serve the drinks, then you may just have to change venues. I know it sucks, but when you are given the gift of a wedding from a parent, their opinion on the venue is going to affect whether or not you can get married there. Your wedding will be wonderful no matter where you have it--try to think about all the positive things that are happening and try not to be too upset over "dad-zilla".
@gcwest: It screams affluent privilege to assume that she can afford to just absorb the cost of a wedding she planned on the basis of someone else's contribution.
I don't know about you, but as a recent grad, I know my parents have way more disposable income than I do. The wedding I would plan with their contribution is very different from what I could afford on my own (which would be nothing. Unless I eloped at the local courthouse. I certainly couldn't have afforded a party of any kind.) Saying she should just pay for it all herself, when it was planned on the basis of a different financial standing, isn't at all helpful.
ESPECIALLY since she posted no fewer than 3 times that her fiance and she could not pay for the existing wedding, or a different one after losing their deposit, but people continued to suggest it, as though if one more person said it, she would say "oh, but we just found $5000, we'll just pay for it ourselves now!"
Try to have someone talk to your dad on your behalf whose opinion he is eager to hear. If anything, just see if your dad can lend you the money which you will have to pay him back afterwards within a few years. (This way you won't have to pay interest fees if you were to borrow money from a bank. Though I highly doubt you'd be able to get a loan if you are just fresh out of school and have tuition debt).
This way you can have the wedding you both want, you won't lose your deposit, and your dad won't lose his face.
@love4sean: Elope! Let your parents know that because of your father's choice, your financial situation, adn the stress, that you and FH are heading to the Justice of the Peace. Let them know the date and time, and tell them you hope they will attend. Setting boundaires is good - 10 to 1 your dad will bend. And if he doesn't - it's a win-win: no stress, you still get married, and you've shown your dad that you are a grown woman, capable of making your own choices. Good luck!
THANK YOU i swear i appreciate everyones help but i think you really hit the nail on the head!
This is the thing my father knew about the venue and all of the details when I booked it in August. If he did not want to pay for the wedding he should have told me from the beginning and I would not have booked a place that is out of my budget. What bothers me is that my fiance and his parents are not in a financially sound position right now to help pay for the wedding so I feel like my dad is throwing his weight around because he wants to rub it in my face that Im marrying a guy whodoesnt come from money. I dont want to be stuck up but my parents are very well off financially and I know they can damn well afford to pay for the wedding. The second thing and this is a HUGE part of it my family ONLY brings cash ( and lots of it) so pretty much and yes I can bet on this with all of the money my fiance and I are getting from the wedding we are going to pay back the venue. So in a sense he is just LOANING us the money for the venue and it will be paid back.
My fiance and I saved and we put a deposit for this venue and the money is GONE!!! It was a substantial amount of money for the both of us and now we are getting a lawyer to see if we could get any of the funds back.
My father has let me down once again, and I dont know how long it will take me to forgive him. I dont want to elope because I know it will hurt my mom whom I love and respect SOOO MUCH. My mom said she would pay for the wedding so we canceled the venue and found a place that is half the price. It isnt a place I could envision myself getting married but I dont want to let my mom down ( yes i understand how stupid that sounds). This whole wedding thing has come to the point where I dont care about it like i did. Im just looking forward to actually getting married and getting out of this house. On the upside my fiance and I have been doing really good and he has impressed me with his empathy and understanding. I feel like during this difficult time out relationship has become stronger.
I took your advice and spoke to my godfather yesterday. My godfather is a really understanding person whom my father is intimidated of so he told me he would talk to my dad about the situation. My dad has been ignoring me for the last week so I dont know what happened, but my mom found another place and we are getting married there.
c'est la vie!
You have too many He's in that story. You said your Dad came with you twice. Then you say HE cancelled the wedding and HE never even vistited the venue. Totally confused.
I have been looking at your other posts, and I really feel for you right now because I dont think you or your fi or your families are ready financially or emotionally for this wedding. I really think you should call it offand wait until you are all a little more settled and ready. You have only been together such a short time, why force this wedding to happen (to be honest it sounds like you are the onl one who really wants it to happen)
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My wedding has been canceled. Now, when I mean wedding I mean big party my parents were said they throw us. My fiance and I are doing really well and at this point we are probably going to get eloped.
Let me sum up this terrible situation as much as I can.
In August of 2010 my fiance and I saw this wedding venue we liked it. We went back three times after that. The first time I told my dad ( who promised to pay for the entire wedding) to come with us he said no. Second time again he said no. Anyway, long story short I ended up telling him the contract terms. Although I was born in this country my parents were not and so I had to explain to them what a cash bar is because in my culture when you go to weddings the alcohol is always on the table. My fiance is NOT the same nationality as me. Anyway, he told me two days ago that I never told him that our wedidng will be an open bar he thinks it is embarasing to his family and friends that people have to wait in line for a drink and that the alcohol is not immediately accesible on the table.
He basically CANCELED the wedding because he does not want his friends to have to wait in line to get a drink. He feels he will be laughed out of town. He told us he does not like our venue ( he has never been there and refuses to go check it out) and that we should get a small gaudy place that I aboslutely hate. Oh did I mention my wedding is four months away which also means I forfeit the HUGE deposit my fiance and I saved? At this point we want to elope because we dont have the money to throw a wedding. Both of us are fresh out of college and we dont have the money for a wedding. I dont know what to do. I donthave a venue anymore because he hates that place, and I cant explain how horrible I feel.
What should I do? Talking to him only complicates problems. He just yells and screams at me, and my mom.