Post # 1
My wedding has been canceled. Now, when I mean wedding I mean big party my parents were said they throw us. My fiance and I are doing really well and at this point we are probably going to get eloped.
Let me sum up this terrible situation as much as I can.
In August of 2010 my fiance and I saw this wedding venue we liked it. We went back three times after that. The first time I told my dad ( who promised to pay for the entire wedding) to come with us he said no. Second time again he said no. Anyway, long story short I ended up telling him the contract terms. Although I was born in this country my parents were not and so I had to explain to them what a cash bar is because in my culture when you go to weddings the alcohol is always on the table. My fiance is NOT the same nationality as me. Anyway, he told me two days ago that I never told him that our wedidng will be an open bar he thinks it is embarasing to his family and friends that people have to wait in line for a drink and that the alcohol is not immediately accesible on the table.
He basically CANCELED the wedding because he does not want his friends to have to wait in line to get a drink. He feels he will be laughed out of town. He told us he does not like our venue ( he has never been there and refuses to go check it out) and that we should get a small gaudy place that I aboslutely hate. Oh did I mention my wedding is four months away which also means I forfeit the HUGE deposit my fiance and I saved? At this point we want to elope because we dont have the money to throw a wedding. Both of us are fresh out of college and we dont have the money for a wedding. I dont know what to do. I donthave a venue anymore because he hates that place, and I cant explain how horrible I feel.
What should I do? Talking to him only complicates problems. He just yells and screams at me, and my mom.
Post # 3
I am so sorry…
I really have no advice that I can offer you. I know the cultural differences are really hard. Is there anyone else; a male, that might be able to talk some sense into him???
I hope you are able to get everything worked out. And if you have to elope, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. The only other alternative would be to push the wedding out a year; maybe you can talk to the venue and see if the can reschedule for you. You could use that extra time to save up some money to pay for the wedding yourselves; it doesn’t have to be elaborate and you can invite whoever you want. Your dad wouldn’t even need to show up, if he didn’t want to. I know that would be hard on you, but it might be a viable option.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry your wedding is getting canceled. When parents are paying for the wedding they usually have some say. In this case if your father doesn’t like the place can you two come up with some sort of compromise? Like have a few bottles of wine or hard liquor on the table?? In the end do what is right for you and FI its not about everyone else.
Post # 5
“Talking to him only complicates problems. He just yells and screams at me, and my mom.”
To me, this is a bigger problem than losing out on a wedding deposit.
Post # 6
Could a couple of bottles of wine be placed on each table? Could that be your compromise? Or does the venue not allow alcohol beverages on the table? Or is the issue something else -like the cost of your wedding much higher that he realized it would be- the issue, but he doesn’t want to admit it? I’m a parent, and I’m not into heavily impressing people, but for my daughter’s wedding on a budget it was important for me to make it nice. It is a pretty big thing for parents not to feel embarrassed with what they can provide for a wedding.
Post # 7
*hugs* I don’t have any advice other than to breathe. Eloping is a perfectly lovely alternative.
Post # 8
I am sorry you are going through this.
However, I am a little confused if your father is willing to pay for an open bar why don’t you just have an open bar?
Post # 9
Now… I understand you’re upset… but it seems pretty obvious your parent’s approval is important to you. So, how would they feel about you eloping? From your post I get the feeling your dad would be furious. HOWEVER, if it is something you end up wanting to do I’m sure there are plenty of people here that would be willing to help you!
Hope it all works out!
Post # 10
It’s so hard for me right now I have been literally crying my eyes out the past two days. My wedding has been canceled, and it really depresses me. My dad is very adamant about having drinks on the table, but when I asked him to come look at the venue with my fiancé and I before we signed the contract he refused to come. My poor mom has been scrambling to find a place and my dad well he doesn’t really give a sh*t. He has let me down in the past but this takes the cake. I can’t get out of bed and imp so depressed. My fiancé and mom have been extremely understanding and supportive of me, and I am glad that I have that right now.
My mom spoke to my uncle about this other venue since he knows the owner and we can get a discount. Honestly, it’s not bad but it’s not a place I would envision myself getting married. so im at a point right now where im agreeing to get married at this place on a completely different date to keep my mom happy.
Post # 11
because that is not good enough for him. he wants to either have waiters who pour ur drinks or he wants the drinks on the table. he doesnt want people waiting in line to get a drink that bothers him.
the venue doesnt allow drinks on the table and extra waiters costs $2000 K and he is NOT willing to pay for it.
Post # 12
honestly, i dont care about what my dad thinks or if it hurts his feelings. he has been hurting my feelings and he doesnt care so why should i? also when i was crying my mom told him look what you did you made her cry and he replied with let he cry! i really dont care!
so if he doesnt care why should i right? problem is just because i dont care about him doesnt mean i dont care about my mom. i want my mom to be there we are close and i love her so much. plus i want my MIL and FIL to be there too. my situation just stinks. we dont have the money to plan the wedding and my IL dont either. my family is pretty well off so they agreed to pay for the wedding. now my dad has a change of heart. im stressed out, and i dont know what to do.
Post # 13
Could you not ask your father to compromise? My father is pretty stubborn as well and when we first started planning he’d have little temper tantrums over stupid things. Eventually I learnt that having all of the information in writing for him or making charts etc. to show him what I was talking about worked best. That way he felt more like he was seeing the whole picture and I wasn’t just trying to do things my way when he was paying for it. We’re now just a few weeks away and I’m very surprised that he’s kept a level head especially when the bill just came in!
Try to think of ways you can present new ideas to him that will help him understand the big picture. If you show him how classy and elegant the food choices are maybe he won’t be so put off by the cash bar or print out photos of your venue in comparison to the new venue etc. etc.
Also, you could suggest purchasing a wine package and having bottles on each table in addition to the cash bar. It would probably only cost a few hundred dollars at the very most. That way people can have a couple of free drinks and pay for more if alcohol if they choose. You could always take the angle that going this route will make your father look good by providing alcohol, but will stay classy by not forcing too much alcohol on your guests. Whatever you choose to say, just use your words carefully. Show him the pros to your ideas, but do it in a way that his generation (or your culture for that matter) understands. He may not get why you need x, x,x, and x items but hopefully if you can be skilled with words and examples you will be able to proove your point.
Post # 14
I’m sorry that you’re having to cancel your wedding, but sounds like you have alteratives…seek them out before canceling. I understand where you are coming from because we had the same reservation about having an open bar vs having drinks on the table too (that’s what it’s customary for weddings we attend). We ended up going with an open bar and having drinks on tables of those that are our parents guests. We don’t think it’s right to have our elder guests stand in line waiting for drinks so we want to at least have the drinks at their tables for them to pour themselves…we have to buy the cognac and pay for the corkage fee. I’m sure if you explain it to your venue, they would do the same.
Post # 15
If your dad wants to pay for an open bar, why not let him?
Post # 16
1. It sounds like your dad has some serious issues with respecting women.
2. Why not just pay for the wedding yourself and bypass all of this? I think it is sad that your father can’t see that his way is not the way of every other person around him. If it were my father, i’d just step around him and live my life the way I want to. Sticking to your guns and your independence is the best way to handle this, in my opinion.