Post # 1
My father passed away when I was very young and my mom never remarried. Growing up, I always pondered who would “give me away” when I got married, since I don’t have any brothers, uncles or grandfathers. Now that it’s happening and I’m an adult, it’s only natural and makes the most sense that my mom will give me away.
Anyway, in dealing with vendors I’ve had to clarify, “there is no FOB” or “my mom will be giving me away” or “there is no father/bride dance”. Now here’s where I question my thought process (lol). Whenever I have to say things like that, I feel the compulsion to follow up with, “He passed away many years ago, it’s not like I have a dead beat dad!” Deep down I KNOWWWW my vendors don’t care about my personal situation, but I feel the need to clarify. It’s like a defense mechanism, I suppose.
It’s weird, right? Have any other brides felt this way or something similar? I feel very superficial for thinking this way, but I can’t help it.
Post # 2
BurlapnLace: Instead of saying “there is no FOB,” say, “my dad passed away so my mom will be my FOB and MOB.” I don’t think anyone is going to assume you have a dead beat dad. If you are concerned, just say he passed and be ready for people to say, “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
Not sure which is worse. Receiving condolences or wondering if they think you have a dead beat dad…
Post # 3
BurlapnLace: My dad also passed away (20 years ago this year) and my mom will be giving me away. I’m not doing a father/daughter dance, etc. So much the same situation as you. I haven’t been questioned about it by any of my vendors. At least not yet. My reponse will be that my dad passed away and it wouldn’t feel right to me to have anyone else step into that role.
Post # 4
LarLa: Exactly. Are you doing anything in lieu of the FDD? Or just nixing parent dances entirely? FI and I are only children so we feel like we should honor there “traditions”; I previously thought of doing a photo montage but am not a fan for a couple reasons now: 1. my mom and I are soooo emotional and that’ll just put us both over the edge and 2. I think it will take away from my FI’s dance with his mom. I don’t want to over shadow that.
Post # 5
BurlapnLace: I understand that you feel the need to say that. Even if they don’t necessarily care, you don’t want anyone to think poorly about your late father and that is normal. Even though they didn’t know him you want to paint him in a good light and there is nothing wrong with that.
Post # 6
BurlapnLace: When I was planning my wedding, I would say exactly was PP said, “my father passed away so my mother will be giving me away” etc. I did a lot of things to make sure my father was part of the wedding. I included him in my wedding program, I said a prayer for him during the ceremony, I also had a video montage played for him for everyone to watch during the reception. It was very nice and it helped me deal with my emotions. He passed away 16 years ago but still feels like yest
Post # 7
BurlapnLace: My fiance is dancing with his mom. I’m leaning towards doing a non-traditional line dance with my mom. She’s been line dancing for over 20 years lol.
Post # 8
BurlapnLace: i had my brother walk me down but my family thought i might want my mom or her husband. her husband and i are “friends” but not super close. i dont call him my step dad even though… he is. so any time i heard or here anyone call him my father (during the wedding planning and venders) i just crindge and feel like i need to tell them. not that anyone cares but i felt they needed to know my dad exsisted and he was great, and he was taken from us. i also feel like a brat for feeling like i need to make this known. even when people call them my parents i correct them. they are not my parents….. its my mom and her husband. i just dont like the idea that he can be considered replaced by people. if you call them my parents they wont know that he was my dad and he was here. anyways i know how you feel some times
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
My FI’s mother is no longer alive. When the DJ and Florist asked about MOB, I actually found myself doing the same thing. The first thing I blurted out was “there is no MOB” or “She isn’t around anymore” then I thought, well that makes her sound like she’s a bad mom who just left… So I felt a weird sense to clarify that she had passed away. I guess I didn’t want to feel like people were judging his mom, even though that’s ridiculous.
Post # 10
There are only two instances where I gave specifics as to where my dead father was. First was at the bridal shop the consultant kept going on and on about being walked by your father this, your father that. I polietly told her, my mom’s walking me because he’s dead. She felt awful about it then gave me the sad eyes, which was worse than painting a day of what could have been. The second was with the DJ discussing banned music. I banned all fatherly relationship type songs at the reception. He gave me a weird look and I told him he was dead and I didn’t want to hear the song and get sad.
Post # 11
I’m in the same situation and just say that “my dad passed away so my mom will be taking care of, doing, ect.” My uncle and mother will be giving me away as my mom has 2 girls and both my uncles only have boys. So my sister and I chose an uncle and this way both have the opportunity to walk a niece down the aisle.
However not sure what I am going to do for the parents dance. My FI’s mom, I am sure, will want to dance with him. I think what we may do is have my mom and I dance together at the same time as FI and his mom and then switch to my FI and Mom and me and his dad. Maybe a minute a turn? Less awkward than just me and mom dancing alone….
Post # 12
fall2014: My FI goes, “Why don’t we do a parent dance?” What the hell is that lol?! He said the 4 of us can dance – me, FI, MOb and FMIL. Um, what?? I know he’s trying to be helpful, but I just googled it and have no idea what he’s talking about!
Post # 13
I do the exact same thing. I always say “My brother is walking me down the aisle- my dad passed away years ago” or talking to the DJ “We won’t be doing a father daughter dance, he passed away years ago”. Whic, is actually a little funny because he was sort of a dead beat dad before he died. But now I can say he passed away and now what probably would have been the truth had he not died- “he isn’t in the picture”.
Post # 14
BurlapnLace: My dad died 88 days before the day we got married. We actually had a full guested wedding even early, but cancelled that – it would have been 45 days after he died, but we did not know when he was going to die, only that is was coming soon. After I mourned and life resumed to a new normal, we got married privately.
What H and I did is walk into the ceremony space together. It’s very normal in Sweden, couples enter marriage as equals so they walk in as equals. We liked it!
I think there is nothing wrong with following up with an explanation line. I think I find myself seeking out sympathy from others – even strangers – so I say it and I don’t care if it looks weird.
Heck I said it to the cashier lady. I had to do my first grocery shopping trip after dad died and I returned home. I just felt really blah not wanting to think of menus or really cook. I bought all easy premade stuff and I felt embarrassed (I normally eat very healthy). I said to the cashier lad, “My dad just died and I don’t feel like cooking for a while.”
Post # 15
BurlapnLace: My mom gave me away and I did a first dance WITH her (I was the lead) haha… 🙂 It never crossed my mind that vendors would question it – but, from a vendor perspective, I see no reason why you couldn’t clarify it (maybe just drop the dead beat dad part). There are lots of reasons why brides don’t have their dad’s with them (not JUST because they were a dead beat dad!).