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I'm actually not expecting much out of my BMs at all. My MOH is attending college across state, one BM is finishing up her graduate degree, one is in the process of buying her first house, and the last one is planning her own wedding. I'll be happy if any one of them squeaks out a bridal shower. :)
However, your BM is right that she should only be your BM if she can commit to the things you need her to do. I don't like that she said she'd come to the bachelorette party and then changed her mind; that seems kind of flaky to me. She obviously wouldn't be hurt if you replaced her with a more available BM, so don't feel bad if that's what you end up doing. Just make sure you tell her in a political way - don't "dump" her in such a way that your friendship suffers.
BM responsibilities are usually to plan the shower and bachelorette party, to offer emotional support to the bride, and if possible help with other random things like stamping invitations. It's okay if you have to ask one of your BMs to be in charge of the shower and etc. If you don't, maybe they'll each assume it was someone else's job!
It seems that your BM wants to do the minimum for you in the wedding. She is coming in for 3 days though, which seems reasonable. I don't expect my BM to be helping me everyday of the last week, mostly because they'll be working. So the 3 day thing seems fine.
The bachelorette stuff though seems flakey. She isn't committing! Could it be a money thing? Maybe she is going through financial stress?
Sorry that you have to go through this. Hang in there with her for a little bit more, you don't want your friendship to be ruined.
It almost seems that she may be a little jealous of your relationship with your other BM. She keeps wanting everything to be convenient for her almost as if she is testing you to see if you will accomodate her. I dont think that it is fair for you to have to worry about your showers. My daughter is getting married in September and her BM are taking care of everything. I have done a lot of weddings and the weddings I have been involved with the MOH usually gets all the BM together to go over all the shower and and other party details. I know for my daughters they already got together and came up with all the dates, themes, and everyone was given their jobs to do. My daughter and I didnt even know anything about it. There is already enough for you to take care of. You shouldnt have to worry about this to.
Maybe you could tell your BM that you are concerned about her and her financial situation. Make her feel that you understand that if this is a financial burden, you are o.k. with her backing out. That way it was her decision and not something you told her to do which sounds like she wants you to.
Thank you all for your comments, it is really great to get some perspective on this.
Just some more thoughts.
My BM comes from a very wealthy family and has never had to worry about money. She is currently back in University and does not work (although she is 32) and has classes only 3 times a week in the evenings. So although I do not want to pass judgement on her finances, I find it hard to swallow her claims that finances are an issue, she has not spoken to me about it in any detail.
Also, I do not live in North America anymore and am planning the wedding at a distance.
I have a MOH and two BMs and I can't imagine that there would be any jealousy (but maybe?) If anything it just feels like (when i speak to her) it is all about her life/classes/plans and my wedding needs to fit around that- which I really didn't expect from her- she is very organised and generally very considerate (not flaky at all). It just seems like she is being very selfish all of a sudden (and I don't know why or what to do about it) Plus, it is really putting a damper on the wedding planning (we still don't have bridesmaids dresses because she hasn't emailed me her suggestions)
Part of me feels like maybe she had no idea that bridesmaids are there to help the bride and not just party or sightsee and my expectation that bridesmaids do more than that (not a lot but help out with the last minute details/help pick their dresses/ organise and be at the bachelorette party help out with the wedding shower) might not be the vacation she thought it would be (despite her initial excitement to help out with all of this, maybe it was an empty promise).
Thanks guys
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Hi there,
I am getting married in the summer and am having some trouble with a good friend who i asked to be a bridesmaid when I got engaged. I have been friends with her for almost 10 years and am feeling very let down by her behaviour.
I had asked all my bridesmaids to weigh in on some dresses they liked and this BM did go to one store and try on some dresses but then when it was proposed that another store was easier for other BMs, she became a bit defensive and said that she might not be able to afford the other store's dresses (although they are the same price if not cheaper).
As all of my BM live in different states, I wanted to give them plenty of time to book flights (domestic flights) and organise their commitments (I gave them 1 year's notice). Now this BM is saying she may only be able to be in town for 3 days around the wedding due to school. I guess I was a bit hurt when I heard this as she had never mentioned school being that important or a potential issue for the wedding (my other BMs are arriving the weekend before to help out and attend the wedding shower - none have offered to plan the shower - is this a BM task?)
This BM also initially said that she would be able to attend the bachelorette party if it was mid week (she even went behind my back to the MOH to see if we could move it to mid week) but now won't commit to being there for the bachelorette party (let alone offering to help plan/send invitations/pay for it- which my MOH says the BM and MOH traditionally do).
I finally worked up the courage to discuss all this with the BM and she was very cold/manipulative and business like about her commitments and even said that if I wanted her there longer I may have to find a place for her to stay.
She also wrote an email saying that if I wasn't happy with what she could commit to she would step down.
Through all of this I have not received an apology for making this so difficult to organise. Now I am stuck not knowing what to do. Do I get angry that she is being selfish and not at all thinking about me (she hasn't even asked how she can help out). Should I let her go as a BM knowing that she probably wouldn't come to the wedding and our friendship might not last? Am I being unreasonable? What are the BM's responsibilities and what do you do if they don't get it?
Any suggestions would be great- Thanks!