Post # 1
I’m pretty much set on one of my oldest (note eldest) friends being my Maid/Matron of Honor and a close friend I met in college as a bridesmaid. Then it gets a bit sticky.
I have a cousin I love dearly and had Down Syndrome but is fortunately sweet and not tempermental. She was the flower girl at my mother’s wedding and she loved it. I would love for her to be the flower “girl” at mine because I want to include her and it’s a fun thing to do. However, I also want her to stand up with me as a bridesmaid.
I ideally want her to walk down the aisle, scattering flowers, then take a position next to the other 2 bridesmaids. I’m only worried that my aunt, her mother, would be offended that a 38-year-old is a flower “girl” in her younger cousin’s wedding, and that she has to get a dress for her (she doesn’t wear dresses at all; doesn’t even own one).
Am I being overly cautious? Should I offer to buy the dress (I’m not going to choose a dress, just ask that it be fun and a color)?
Post # 3
Honestly, I’d find it a bit weird for a grown woman to be scattering flowers at a wedding. I’d keep her as just a bridesmaid, and pay for her dress if you’re able to do so.
Post # 4
I think it would be sweet. Depending on you guests though, it may seem a little starange though. You could maybe give her the title of Lady of Honor. And have her be the keeper of your ring, and just have the ring bearer hold your FI’s ring.
Post # 5
First of all, I think it’s really sweet that you’re including your cousin in your big day! Was your mother’s wedding awhile ago when your cousin was younger? If so, it may have been very fun and exciting for her to be a flower girl then but even so it may not be something she would want to do as an adult. Just something to consider. Also I think it’s really nice that you’re taking into consideration your aunts feelings on the matter. Speaking from a little bit of personal experience, my older brother has down syndrome and he is 26, I think that my mom would be offended if someone included him in a similar event in a role that is typically reserved for children, but would be very excited for him to be included in an age-appropriate way. Just my two cents, this may depend on individual family dynamics and what your aunt’s opinion is on the matter. If you have the means to I think offering to buy the dress is also a nice gesture.
Post # 6
I have a very good relationship with my aunt and uncle. She was 13 or 16 when she was my mother’s flower girl. She’s said in the past she is excited about my wedding and wanted to be involved.
I honestly don’t think our guests would think it strange, and if they did I really don’t care (I know you’re not supposed to say that, but it’s the truth).
I just wany my cousin to feel included and have fun at my wedding and the process of planning it. If I make her only a bridesmaid there are some things she couldn’t do (planning bachelorette party and lignerie shower, helping with most DIY items). I thought flower girl would be an involved, easy, fun activity that would make her feel special and loved.
I don’t want her or her parents to think I’m including her to make myself feel good or because I think I have to.
And, again, because she has Down Syndrome, she’s short and looks like she’s in her mid-teens, so I don’t think people would think “she’s almost 40!”
I appreciate everyone’s opinions!
Post # 7
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I agree with the other posters that I think you should try to include her in a more age-appropriate way. Just because she can’t help with DIY doesn’t mean she can’t be a bridesmaid. I think that your best solution would be to have her as a bridesmaid because then she is involved in the wedding, she is standing up with you, and it’s still age appropriate!
Post # 8
I think it’s a lovely idea for you to include her in your wedding. I do not think it is appropriate in the least for her to be a flower girl. I do not care what type of disabilities she has, I think it would be offensive and demeaning. I mean, she’s almost 40, scattering flowers like a child. Personally, if I were at your wedding I would be uncomfortable with that. If you want to include her in your wedding, include her in a role that is age appropriate. Let her be a bridesmaid. Do not define her role by her disability.
Post # 9
I wasn’t defining her role by her disability.
Post # 10
Being a bridesmaid is not only about planning showers and helping with wedding stuff. She’s important to you and you want her to stand up with you; that should be her role in the wedding. It’s a very important one. Also, even a teenager scattering petals like a kid would be weird, so the fact that she looks younger than 36 has no bearing on my answer.
Post # 11
You can have someone as a bridesmaid and they don’t have to be involved in the bridal shower or bachelorette party. You could also give her a special title to make her feel different from the other girls.
Post # 12
I don’t think it’s necessarily weird for a person older than a little girl to be the petal-scatterer. Heck I want to scatter petals at a wedding, it’s a pretty fun gig! As to whether you should utilize your cousin for this role, I think the only thing that matters is whether your cousin wants to do it. If you ask her about it and she gets excited, then yes, you should have her do it! If she doesn’t seem interested, or feels like the role is too young for her now, then no, obviously she shouldn’t do it. Who cares what everyone in the crowd thinks if your cousin’s okay with it. I think it’s nice that you want to include her and make her feel special.
Post # 13
Down Syndrome has various degrees of functioning. While it sounds like your cousin is doing well, it sounds like she is under the custody of your aunt. So I have to say, it isn’t just about what your cousin wants. Your aunt needs to be OK with it too. So even if your cousin doesn’t seem to be offended or notice the big deal in being a 38 year old flower girl, if your aunt is uncomfortable with it, that says something.
I agree with the pps that think it isn’t a good idea to have her as a flower girl. But you know her, we don’t. The only way to get to the bottom of it is to talk to your aunt.