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I just gotta tell you that I would rather have a bm that backs out 4 months before the wedding than 2 days before the wedding. I had two that did that. I couldn't get a replacement but it turned out good anyway.
I'm glad she told you when you did.
I think one of my bm never wanted to be one but she strung me along and had an "accident" the day before my wedding. I believed her until I started asking her about the accident and she wouldn't respond to any of my messages. Whatever, she told me in text and didn't have the audicity to call me personally to apologize but yet she can tell me congrats on FB? WTF?
So, I guess it could have been worse.
EDIT: I would tell your bm that since she put you in this situation that it would be hard to get all of her money back. Luckily, it does look like your replacement will be able to at least alter the dress to fit. Maybe get the old bm to sell the dress for half.. and the new bm buy the dress half off and then get it altered. Hopefully the dress won't cost too much to alter.
I'm sorry that your friend backed out and that it created a lot of unnecessary stress for you :(
I definitely think you SHOULD NOT pay for anything in this situation - it's not your fault that your friend backed down due to her own flakiness. I think it would be proper for her to take financial responsibility (at least somewhat) for this - so if that means that she would split the alterations bill with her "replacement" I think that would be fair. I think also that she should facilitate getting the dress to her "replacement" by shipping it or whatever - I don't think you should have that responsibility either.
Since she created this mess, she should do everything she can to fix it and take the majority of the stress from it off of your shoulders.
Good luck!
Honestly I'd let her send the dress and not discuss money. I don't think she should get any $ back if she's gonna leave you high and dry like that. It's not your problem to get her her money. As for the alterations, just have the replacement girl pay for the alterations but not the actual dress. Ex-BM can eat the money.
Don't pay for anything - this isn't your fault. Who knows if the BM can fit into the new dress.
Weird. What is her reason for "backing out"? Since she already has the dress and everything...
Ugh..I hate when people do that. They're so selfish, and they cause you even MORE stress in planning a wedding. I had some bail, but it was really way before we had done anything at all. My friend had her MOH bail, after paying for the deposit on the dress. I was the replacement for her dress, and the bride (my friend) paid off the rest of the dress for me since I was a late-comer. She was so nice to have done this. I had to pay for shoes, and that was the only thing! She already had someone to do the alterations that would do it for free. But if I were to have paid for the 2nd half of the dress, it really wouldn't have bothered me because what she went through was horrible...& I was honored to be in her wedding.
It's a personal decision I guess, but that's what happened in my experience!
This happened to me.
I didn't feel like it was fair to ask the replacement to pay for a dress when she wasn't the first pick and was helping me at the last minute.
I did not give the 1st BM her money back as she was the one who bailed on me.
Sadly because the old dress didn't fit the new girl...and I couldn't get another size...I ordered 2 new dresses and paid for the both our of pocket. It sucked for me but there wasn't anyway I could ask a BM to pay for 2 dresses and it didn't feel right to ask the new girl to pay,
That's really unfortunate! But I'd say, and this might be totally wrong, that you don't owe her any money. First of all, she backed out giving you only a short window to get another BM, who is comparable in size. Then you can't expect a replacement to have the money available because she wouldn't have had the same amount of time the others did to set aside the money. I'd say, she lost the money and the new BM gets the dress for free. However, it depends on how you feel about the BM that backed out. There is a strongly chance that if you chose this route, there would be some tension in the relationship.
This happened to my FI's sister last year. Her 'friend' basically didn't pay for the dress nor did she do any of the tasks she was asked. Finally when confronted about it, she admitted that she didn't want to and couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid. Two months before the wedding!
The dress was already ordered, in a size 20. My FI's sister asked me to fill-in, and I'm a size 6. It was too late to order a new dress. The bride paid for the dress (because she couldn't get her friend to pay for it). I paid for the alterations.
The 'friend' also still showed up to the wedding, costing the bride and groom the $100 to feed her.
I definitely would not ask the ex bm to pay for anything. How could you possibly justify it? She didn't sign a contract or anything so IMO she doesn't owe you anything financially. (As a friend she should be very sorry for flaking on you like this). If you end up using her dress and thus she give up the dress I would reimburse her at least partically because um, otherwise you can't demand the dress and she doesn't have to give it to you. If she keeps the dress I would just ignore the cash question and so have her bear the cost unless she is struggeling financially. If she's struggeling financially I would reimburse her just because it's the nice thing to do. Are you sure you're going to have a 'replacement'?
Well it's obviously not your responsiblity to pay for the dress. And I would recommend not replacing her, unless there was someone else you had wanted to ask from the beginning but didn't want to be uneven.
I wonder why she backed out so late in the game if she's already bought her dress? Are there additional expenses she's trying to avoid? If you still want her in the wedding, can you split the expenses with her or soemthing?
I'm just asking b/c I have a BM who might back out due to money at which point I am fully prepared to offer to help her. Makes me a little mad thinking about it though b/c of all the time and money I spent being a BM for her wedding recently.
Well, I think you personally should not pay for anything.
Are you having a replacement? If you do, gently inform her that she has 2 options - buy a new dress and pay RUSH production on it - it can still be done in time. Or buy the dress from the other BM and pay for alterations.
I was in a wedding where I was the "replacement" - the other BM got pregnant and wasn't wanting to be in the wedding. We were close to the same size. I bought the dress from her - same price, and had alterations done - most dresses need the alterations anyway.
Oh also... even though it's not fair for us to have to pay for anything...I think you should.
Don't ask the new girl to pay for alterations if you think it's an issue for her.
No it's not fair. It wasn't fair that I had to shell out another $300 outta my pocket....but sadly you can't really expect others to pay for it and take care of everything. You may have to eat a little
But on the bright side...I did eat it...but I had everything all worked out 2 months before the wedding and by the time the wedding came around....everything was perfect and the girl who dropped out didn't complicate my day at all
Good luck!!
Ugh, complicated. I think I would tell the BM who backed out to sell her dress online or do with it what she will and let new BM get her own dress. That way, you are not in the middle of it. Because really, she bought a dress for a purpose and she is now deciding of her own free will that she would not like to participate. So it's on her, just like if she had bought a car or a computer or anything. If new BM does want to buy it off old BM, let them negotiate prices and shipping, but I don't think new BM should be expected to take the old dress unless it will benefit her and/or she would like to.
Sorry you have to deal with this!
I like Amaryllis idea to not get in the middle of it and tell the ex bm to try to sell it on her own.
Do you need a replacement? I almost wouldn't want to deal with all that. I'd rather have an uneven bridal party than ask someone else. I'd hate for them to feel B-listed.
First of all, I don't think she should assume that you're going to have a replacement. Do you even want one? If you do, then I think it's something that they could work out between the two of them. If you decided not to replace her (and it's totally your call--you shouldn't feel pressured to), then honestly you have no obligation to reimburse her. She backed out, so it's kind of her problem. Maybe she can sell it on Ebay to recoup some of her expenses.
I'd let her deal with it, honestly. You don't need this kind of stress 2 months before the wedding and while I'm sure she had legit reasons for backing out, she had 10 months (like you said).
I don't think the ex BM is entitled to any reimbursements. She's backing out on you, the least she could do is give the dress to the replacement BM.
If you feel you could do without a replacement, this may be a less stressful way to deal with the situation. But, if you definitely would like to have someone fill in, I would offer to pay for the alterations yourself (even though you shouldn't have had to pay for anything). The replacement BM would actually be doing you a favor, as you said, and shouldn't be expected to cover any costs. Though, she may end up offering to cover it anyway ... you never know!
Good luck! :)
If you do ask a replacement, let them negotiate it themselves. If not, you don't owe the BM who stepped down on her own anything.
You don't owe the ex bridesmaid but she also shouldn't have to pay for the dress and give it up to the new one. Then she's out money and a dress regardless of whether she wants to wear it again. Let them work it out as if they'd found each other on Craigslist.
Do you need a replacement? I would just have one less bridesmaid - uneven bridal parties are totally OK in this day and age!
Then all your problems around BM dresses and money are solved... :-)
you dont pay for anything... she back out she stay with the dress i think is in your other bridesmaid (the new one) to decide if she takes the dress or no.
If you do decide to replace her (like others have said, that's not necessary if you don't want to!), then I think the two girls should work it out between themselves. You shouldn't have to pay for anything - this isn't your fault!
I agree with what most others are saying. Finding a last-minute replacement is probably more trouble than it's worth, and uneven bridal parties are totally fine (we had 3 guys and 4 girls, and it worked out great!). I would tell your ex-bridesmaid that you're not going to have a replacement and suggest that she sell the dress on eBay, like mouse said. She backed out and it's not your fault if she's out some money because of it.
One of the BMs bailed on my best friend's wedding this summer - 2 and a half DAYS before (and via email!!!!!). She'd paid for her dress and taken it to be altered...then never went back to pick it up. BFF recruited her cousin to step in and fortunately they were able to alter the dress well enough for the wedding (not perfect, but workable). BFF's parent picked up the alteration cost (as well as the extra RUSH fee) since the flake wasn't giving any $$ and cousin was already doing a huge favor so they didn't want to ask her for money.
What a tough situation. I definitely wouldn't offer to reimburse the exBM. Both her original acceptance and then backing out were her decision. And unless you want to risk the awkardness of asking her for money, I'd say you need to eat the cost yourself. The replacement is already stepping up last minute to help you, and it's really not fair to ask her for money. She hasn't had the same length of time to budget such expenses as everyone else.
don't get involved with it. if she wants to send it to the replacement she can. but otherwise the replacement has every right to order her own dress in the correct size. just give the old girl the new girl's email address if you actually do get a replacement. but then stay out of it.
I don't think she should think she's being replaced or that she is recooping any of the money. It was her decision in the first place and as an adult you make fiancial decisions. She was probably aware the store didn't accept returns as well, thus she's out the money and don't worry about a new bridesmaid. IMO.
Sorry to hear about all this, I say let her figure it out, it was her decision to back out, and it wasn't an emergency situation (fortunately) so let her handle it.
I commented earlier from the perspective that a replacement BM had already been chosen. Sorry, strickchick, your original post doesn't make that clear. I stand by what I said, but I do also agree with the others that there is no big deal if you just don't replace her at all!
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So my friend is a struggling musician (and to honest, quite flakey and somewhat irresponsible, but that's also me venting) and just backed out of being a bridesmaid. I asked her 10 months ago, and the wedding is 4 months away. All the girls already have their dresses and paid for them individually. My friend said she will send her dress to her "replacement," and I'm wondering how to handle the money situation. Do I just take the dress from the friend who backed out and give it to the new girl without exchanging any money? And if I do in fact ask another friend, how do I give her a dress that's too big and tell her to alter it? Should I pay for that, or should she, or should my friend who backed out?!
Ugh, so complicated. Thumbs down to friends who wait 10 months to bail...
Thanks in advance for any advice.