(Closed) Bridesmaid backed out – what to do now (long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
46161 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would just put the whole thing on the back burner until after the wedding.

Although you are justifiably hurt by her behavior and her decision, dealing with the situation now might not be in your best interest.

Postponing any decision or action will allow you to be more objective at a later date.

Post # 4
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

At this point, I was more angry than sad.  I feel like the money issue was never the real problem.  She just didn’t want to go, and she had so many excuses that I shouldn’t have even tried to make it easier for her to go.

I think you pretty much summed it up right there. She was/is being pretty selfish, IMO. “Not in her best interest.” That just sounds…lame. It’s a friend’s wedding, not a dinner out. If you’re questioning your friendship, chances are you aren’t feeling it anymore.

If you want complete honesty I’ll tell you this and you can do with it what you want — I have a low tolerance for this type of stuff in my friendships. I’m bad at giving second chances (or third, etc) and I fully admit it, but I am not one for drama. In this situation, I would probably just not contact her. I certainly wouldn’t be in her wedding in a few years. Then again, I’m not afraid to end friendships that neither party is getting anything out of anymore, because I know that my real friends wouldn’t do that to me. I keep a close-knit group of friends where some of them fluctuate. BUT like I said, just how I live my life. I did have a similar experience while wedding planning and we are no longer friends. I don’t regret it at all and it’s been over a year. I figure if you can’t be there for me one of the few times I need you, as I’m not a demanding friend, then it just isn’t working.

Post # 5
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, that does suck!  And I totaly understand why you’d be bummed.  However, I don’t think I would let it affect your frienship.  It sounds like she’s been involved in the planning so it doesn’t sound like it’s a case of her not caring. It sounds like it’s genuinely not in her best interest all around to come. While it was super awesome of you, your friends, and your family to make all the arrangements for her to come for free, maybe she felt guilty about having to take handouts from others.  People can be really weird with money.  Also, if she’s broke, she might not be able to afford to take one day off of work.  So while she wouldn’t be spending much on the trip if she came, she would still lose money by not being able to work.

Plus, if she’s just had surgery and has problems walking, traveling would be super hard for her.  And if her boyfriend can’t come, then it’s going to be even harder since she won’t have anyone to help her out.

I know it sounds like she’s making excuses, and maybe the real reason is that she’s just not comfortable traveling/traveling solo just after her surgery but didn’t know how to explain it so she just used the money excuse.  I personally believe it was a combo of both though and she just said money becaues it’s easier for people to understand.

 

Post # 6
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

So sorry you are going through that….you definitely don’t need that kind of stress a month before your wedding.  Maybe you need to re-evaluate your friendship with her. It sounds like it means more to you than it does to her.  

Post # 7
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Yeah…that’s pretty lame, but don’t get all crazy just now, you do you, let her “recover” and what-not, your wedding will rock anyway…she was probably using the money thing to cover up some other problem she just doesn’t feel good about discussing…when you came through with that she was stuck…nobody’s fault though…

Post # 8
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

That is a tricky situation. It seems that there is something deeper that she hasn’t told you about. I would just focus your energy on other things. Yes, she is not coming… whether it is because her partner cannot come (can they even scrounge up some $$$ to cover his portion?), for financial reasons or something completely different. I agree with the other posters that it seems that she sees your friendship in a different way than you see the friendship. I would just put it off till after the wedding. If she’s still acting the same way afterwards, then you know that it’s time to evaluate whether you should invest anymore energy in this. 

Post # 9
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

To me it sounds like you are fully aware of this girls financial situation and it sounds like she is pretty bad off, maybe taking that one day off of work will completely kill her already very tight budget? Maybe her parents realized she was somehow being able to be in this OOT wedding and want her to pay them back money they lent her, maybe her position at work is becoming precarious and she doesn’t want to risk it. Maybe her surgery had complications.

I think that because she already voiced money concerns to you and explained how bad off she is and you being well aware of it, I think you need to cut her some slack. She took time to help plan in anyway she could and showed genuine interest in your wedding. A PP said they thought she was being selfish, but if she’s that bad off financially then even taking a day off work is losing too much money that she can’t afford to lose. 

I personally would never be willing to put myself in a bad situation financially to attend a friends wedding or be a BM, and I would fully expect my friend to be understanding, if not then she was never that good of a friend. Whether you feel she was apologetic enough to you or not, she gave you a month’s notice that she couldn’t do it and apologized when telling you. 

 You don’t seem to mention anything else about this friendship that is negative, so I don’t think it’s a matter of her not valuing the friendship as much as you. If there has been other instances that would make you think this then maybe it is tiome to re-evaluate the friendship, but if not try giving this girl the benefit  of the doubt. 

Post # 10
Member
7794 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Reading between the lines, I think there’s a good chance she has a controlling boyfriend. When there’s an abrupt change in priorities, so often it’s to do with the relationship a person is in.

Whether it’s that or not, you need to realise she’s going through a difficult time at the moment, accept she won’t be at your wedding, and be there for her in the future.

Post # 11
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

How I see the situation (because I see a lot of this in a lot of woman I personally know) is that she’s not coming because her boyfriend can’t come.  You guys offered to pay for HER plane ticket.  HER stay.  HER transportation.  But, that’s not good enough for someone who doesn’t have backbone enough to pry their head out of their boyfriend’s ass for a few days.  Women will throw you to the wolves in a heartbeat over a man.  That’s why I have pretty much zero friends who aren’t married, themselves.  Once they get married (or are in a long-term), it’s different.  The new wears off and they realize that the world isn’t going to come crumbling down if they decide to go do their own thing for a little while.  I am sorry you are going through this, but just don’t dwell on it.  Limit communication with your friend for a while, until she learns the error of her ways.  Your wedding is going to be awesome!

Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@AmeliaBedelia:  Agreed. Let it go, and see if she tries to maintain the friendship moving forward. It takes two, and it doesn’t sound like she’s considering anyone but herself.

Post # 14
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

@Pinksapphire:  Very good point. I know way too many girls like that

Post # 15
Member
3341 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Pinksapphire:  +1.  This was exactly my thought.  OP I’m sorry this happened to you, but I would scratch this person off your list of friends.  Life is too short to put up with people who are all about themselves.

Post # 16
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@RunsWithBears:  i agree with this

everyone is jumping to negative conclusions. so im going to play devils advocate here

she wanted to go but realised she couldnt and told you. but then, with all the offers of help she fel tthat she should try to go…and maybe felt a bit pressured and started committing to something she wasnt sure she can manage

trouble walking after surgery counts as a decent excuse in my book. esp since there is travelling involved

yes, its disappointing. but i wouldnt scratch her from your friend list unless shes consistently let  you down

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