Post # 1
My friedns for over 8 years has backed out of been a bridesmaid two months before the wedding because she does not have a plus one. When we originally decided who we were going to invite, she did not have a serious relationship. We did not want any strangers in our wedding. At the same time, we did not have any space whatsoever. She asked me recently if her boyfriend could go and my response was that I was going to try my hardest to find him a space. I explained I had to wait for cancellations, but that I was pretty sure some guests were not coming. The next day she asked again and my responce was the same. The following day she sends me an ultimatum explaining if she did not have a plus one she could not go on our Bachelor’s cruise nor be a bridesmaid. She was very insulting and said many hurtful things. She said I should have had the decency to invite her boyfriend and she compared her realstionship with another bridesmaid who I know her husband as long as I know her. I was very shocked at the things she said. My maid of honor and my partner’s maid of honor did not have a plus one either. We had decided to only invite couples that were married. We didnt even have space to invite all of our family members.
She did not trust that I was trying my hardest to find him a spot. After what she said, we felt as if we were obligated to invite him. She continued on with her point and sent me more messages which made the situation even worse. She also texted my partner and tried explaining her side. Now she is extremely sorry and is asking for our forgiveness. She is crying about the whole situation and feels horrible at the way she reacted. I had never done anythign wrong to hurt our freindship and I did not deserve all the things she said. She now realizes everything and wants to be part of the wedding party.
I feel bad for her and I feel a little better about what happened. I went to talk to her in person and she was very apologetic and wants to be able to go back to the way things were. The problem now is that my partner does not think she deserves to be in the wedding party. He is very hurt and mad at what she did. He does not feel comfortable to share this day with her. If we decided to not have her at our wedding party, we will find someone to buy her dress and oay for her part of the cruise so she does not lose the money.
I am very confused and not sure of what I should do. Please help!
Post # 2
Dyronh: This is your FRIEND? OP, it’s your day, you do what you feel comfortable with and what you can afford. I’m sorry she acted that way, that was immature and embarrassing.
Wishing you the best! This is not an easy situation. You don’t need to have this drama surrounding your big day. Have you talked to your Fiance about this? Maybe you 2 can come up with a solution that you both would like to see happen.
Post # 3
I don’t think it’s your responsibility to find someone to buy her dress etc. She is out the money because of her own actions.
That said, we all have stupid over-reactions sometimes. If she’s been your friend for so long, and this is the only example of her acting like a turkey, I’d be inclined to forgive her.
Post # 4
Yes, she overreacted. But, I don’t think it’s right for your Fiance to say she shouldn’t be in the wedding party. This is your friend of nearly a decade, and it’s between you two. I don’t think it’s right for him to get involved. He can voice his opinion, but it’s your bridesmaid.
Post # 5
I think whatever she said that hurt your feelings so badly should be more of a factor in your decision than the lame “ultimatum” she gave you. I may be a bit biased though. I had a bridesmaid who exhibited very spiteful behavior before my wedding and I chose to forgive her. We are no longer friends and she is now in all of my wedding pictures. But I think the history of your friendship and whatever hurtful things she said to you are what you should base your decision on. I’d say go with your gut. If this is not characteristic of her, she may have felt like her new relationship wasn’t being regarded as highly as everyone else’s. And we all know what a high a new relationship puts you in. It can make you lose perspective on other things and cloud your judgement. So try to base your decision on the quality of your entire friendship, not just on one mishap.
ETA: The bridesmaid I no longer speak to had a long history of acting selfish and aloof. I should have known better than to forgive her. So try not to let my story influence your decision too much!
Post # 6
I went through something similar. She basically backed out of the wedding and we are no longer friends. If she has been a good friend to you, forgive her. Like a PP said, if you do, she will be in all of your wedding pictures so you want to be sure you make the right decision either way.
Post # 7
I think you should have allowed your party to have a plus one if you expect them to cough up the cost of being in your wedding. She was obviously really hurt by it.
What’s done is done but if you still value her friendship perhaps you should invite her back in the wedding party.
I agree it’s your special day, but I still think you need to take into account your guests and especially your wedding party’s feelings!
Post # 8
I agree that if she has been a good friend thus far that you should forgive her. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. Maybe she was having a bad couple of days and (unjustly) ended up taking it out on you. Maybe she was having a bad case of PMS, was weirdly emotional, and was just feeling incredibly hurt and sad that she couldn’t bring her Boyfriend or Best Friend. People overreact – it’s not condonable behavior, but it happens. If she realized she was in the wrong and is truely sorry, then I vote to forgive her. Isn’t that what friends do? Forgive and love you even when you are a complete and utter ass?
Post # 9
I suppose it would depend just how nasty she got. There would be a limit. But if she was a good friend and has been genuinely remorseful and apologetic, I would be inclined to give her a second chance.
Post # 10
I think *everyone* has behaved pretty badly here.
1) If a guest has an SO at the time invitations go out, they should be invited as a social unit. Additionally, it’s common courtesy to allow the Wedding Party, who are almost always expending non-trivial time and money to participate in the wedding, to bring a plus one. Given these things, it sounds like this bridesmaid’s Boyfriend or Best Friend should have been invited in the first place. The bridesmaid had a right to be upset.
2) Regardless of #1, if the bridesmaid resorted to name-calling and insults (not clear from the original post that’s what happened?), she wildly overreacted. Your mistake does not absolve her of a temper tantrum.
3) Your partner needs to stay out of this decision now. This is your friend of nearly a decade. Only you can decide if the two of you can put both of your mistakes behind you and move forward, but you partner needs to butt out and support you in your decision, either way.
Does she throw temper tantrums with insults/name-calling regularly? If so, you should seriously consider whether you really need that in your life. If she does *not*, and this is a more isolated incident, then I think you should 100% own up to your mistake in not inviting her Boyfriend or Best Friend, let her know in no uncertain terms that despite your mistake, her behavior in response was *unacceptable*, and then forgive her (and ask her to forgive you) and move forward.
If you don’t include her at this point, it may be friendship ending – you must decide if this is a friendship worth saving or not.
Post # 11
You were a pretty awful friend by not inviting her boyfriend, but that doesn’t make it ok for her to be nasty (she should have just politely explained why she was dropping out). Given that she has apologised to you, if you want to save the friendship then you should also apologise to her and invite her boyfriend.