Bridesmaid Backs Out Two Months Before

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I giver her a second chance to be in the wedding party?
    Yes : (8 votes)
    44 %
    No : (10 votes)
    56 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    904 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 1975

    Dyronh:  This is your FRIEND? OP, it’s your day, you do what you feel comfortable with and what you can afford. I’m sorry she acted that way, that was immature and embarrassing.

    Wishing you the best! This is not an easy situation. You don’t need to have this drama surrounding your big day. Have you talked to your FI about this? Maybe you 2 can come up with a solution that you both would like to see happen.

    Post # 3
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I don’t think it’s your responsibility to find someone to buy her dress etc. She is out the money because of her own actions. 

    That said, we all have stupid over-reactions sometimes. If she’s been your friend for so long, and this is the only example of her acting like a turkey, I’d be inclined to forgive her. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    721 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    Yes, she overreacted. But, I don’t think it’s right for your FI to say she shouldn’t be in the wedding party. This is your friend of nearly a decade, and it’s between you two. I don’t think it’s right for him to get involved. He can voice his opinion, but it’s your bridesmaid. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    906 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I think whatever she said that hurt your feelings so badly should be more of a factor in your decision than the lame “ultimatum” she gave you. I may be a bit biased though. I had a bridesmaid who exhibited very spiteful behavior before my wedding and I chose to forgive her. We are no longer friends and she is now in all of my wedding pictures. But I think the history of your friendship and whatever hurtful things she said to you are what you should base your decision on. I’d say go with your gut. If this is not characteristic of her, she may have felt like her new relationship wasn’t being regarded as highly as everyone else’s. And we all know what a high a new relationship puts you in. It can make you lose perspective on other things and cloud your judgement. So try to base your decision on the quality of your entire friendship, not just on one mishap.

    ETA: The bridesmaid I no longer speak to had a long history of acting selfish and aloof. I should have known better than to forgive her. So try not to let my story influence your decision too much!

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Kay1126.
    Post # 6
    Member
    166 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I went through something similar. She basically backed out of the wedding and we are no longer friends. If she has been a good friend to you, forgive her. Like a PP said, if you do, she will be in all of your wedding pictures so you want to be sure you make the right decision either way.

    Post # 7
    Member
    544 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I think you should have allowed your party to have a plus one if you expect them to cough up the cost of being in your wedding. She was obviously really hurt by it. 

    What’s done is done but if you still value her friendship perhaps you should invite her back in the wedding party.

    I agree it’s your special day, but I still think you need to take into account your guests and especially your wedding party’s feelings!

    Post # 8
    Member
    2642 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I agree that if she has been a good friend thus far that you should forgive her.  No one is perfect and people make mistakes.  Maybe she was having a bad couple of days and (unjustly) ended up taking it out on you.  Maybe she was having a bad case of PMS, was weirdly emotional, and was just feeling incredibly hurt and sad that she couldn’t bring her BF.  People overreact – it’s not condonable behavior, but it happens. If she realized she was in the wrong and is truely sorry, then I vote to forgive her.  Isn’t that what friends do?  Forgive and love you even when you are a complete and utter ass?

    Post # 9
    Member
    6888 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I suppose it would depend just how nasty she got.  There would be a limit.  But if she was a  good friend and  has been genuinely remorseful and apologetic, I would be inclined to give her a second chance.  

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    439 posts
    Helper bee

    I think *everyone* has behaved pretty badly here.

    1) If a guest has an SO at the time invitations go out, they should be invited as a social unit. Additionally, it’s common courtesy to allow the WP, who are almost always expending non-trivial time and money to participate in the wedding, to bring a plus one. Given these things, it sounds like this bridesmaid’s BF should have been invited in the first place. The bridesmaid had a right to be upset.

    2) Regardless of #1, if the bridesmaid resorted to name-calling and insults (not clear from the original post that’s what happened?), she wildly overreacted. Your mistake does not absolve her of a temper tantrum.

    3) Your partner needs to stay out of this decision now. This is your friend of nearly a decade. Only you can decide if the two of you can put both of your mistakes behind you and move forward, but you partner needs to butt out and support you in your decision, either way.

     

    Does she throw temper tantrums with insults/name-calling regularly? If so, you should seriously consider whether you really need that in your life. If she does *not*, and this is a more isolated incident, then I think you should 100% own up to your mistake in not inviting her BF, let her know in no uncertain terms that despite your mistake, her behavior in response was *unacceptable*, and then forgive her (and ask her to forgive you) and move forward.

    If you don’t include her at this point, it may be friendship ending – you must decide if this is a friendship worth saving or not.

    Post # 11
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee

    You were a pretty awful friend by not inviting her boyfriend, but that doesn’t make it ok for her to be nasty (she should have just politely explained why she was dropping out). Given that she has apologised to you, if you want to save the friendship then you should also apologise to her and invite her boyfriend.

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