Post # 1
I need advice on asking a bridesmaid to step down. I moved away two years ago and when I returned I found out that my friend had drastically increased her consumption of drugs/alcohol. Shortly after I moved back, I got engaged, and when she asked if she was in the bridal party I said yes. Unfortunately, now that I’m back I am seeing how unstable she is. On our last five visits together she drinks too much, starts crying and says things like “I wish things would go back to like they were before (I was engaged)” and “I’m happy for you, but sad because I will never be happy or find a man”. It always turns into a circus and it is always DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. I tried to talk to her about it 3 weeks ago (offered her help for her problem) and she hasn’t spoken to me since. Now I find out she has been passing around a picture of me in my dress that she took while we were shopping – it as important for me to keep it a secret! She hates my finance even though he is a wonderful guy who treats me like gold… I think she is just jealous. I am scared that she will end up crying and melting down at the upcoming events and make a big scene at the wedding. How can I tell her that I need someone who is emotionally suportive and happy for us as a couple..and that asking her was a huge mistake. I don’t like to create problems and I know she is going to be very hurt – but I have tried to make ammends several times and just can’t continue planning knowing that she is going to ruin my day (it has been keeping me up at night!) We haven’t bought dresses yet and there has been no financial commitment from her end.
Post # 3
That sounds like a very stressful situation… First, try to reach out again – if she’s in need of help she might have to feel like you really care in order to accept it. Second, if that doesn’t work – explain to her that you’re concerned and that she will have to follow some guidelines if this should work out (like NOT showing photos of your dress!). If that fails and you feel like you have to exclude her – do you mean just from the bridal party or the wedding as well? Because just excluding her as a bridesmaid doesn’t feel like the ideal setting for a drama free wedding… And whatever you do, don’t use the phrase “huge mistake”. Come up with a believable excuse for not having her as a bridesmaid.
Post # 4
Ugh, this is a rough situation. I think it’s a friendship-ending, rude move to kick someone out of a bridal party. If you do it, you’re basically running the risk of ruining the friendship. Whatever “excuse” you make up isn’t going to heal the pain of hearing someone you consider a good friend telling you they no longer want you standing with them on the most important day of their life.
I would sit down and talk to her about your concerns without bringing up the issue of kicking her out of the bridal party. Tell her you need to feel that she’s more supportive of your marriage because you need to know your dearest friends are behind you. If she tells you she can’t step up and support you, then you may have to take a more drastic action.
Post # 5
I look at these situations in a “you’ve made your bed, and now you have to lie in it” kind of way.
You picked this person who you obviously didn’t know that well, and aren’t that close to. You picked her, and now you are stuck.
Or you kick her out, and your friendship is 100% over, and expect communal friends to see you in the negative light. You are kicking her out, when she hasn’t really done anything, except obviously be distressed herself.
Perhaps now is the time for you to be a friend to her. She is clearly not doing well right now, and could probably really use someone to be there for her.
Post # 6
@andielovesj: Thanks for your comments everyone, it is helpful. You are right that I feel like I “don’t know her”…at least not anymore. When we became friends she didn’t do drugs (I don’t) and she used to be successful at her job/have friends/be happy. She changed ALOT during the 2 years I was away and we only talked via phone. Its really unfortunate – but I am doubting that I can even continue with the entire friendship (we have become two different people in the year and half I’ve been engaged). It is obvious that she has a problem…yet when I say CIRCUS I really mean it. At our engagement party she got wasted/stoned and ended up spending the whole night crying in the basement about how she will never have a marriage or children. This has happened 5 times in a row; and all she says is “If you think I can control myself when I’m upset then you don’t even know me”. Her promise to me was “I will stop doing weed for two weeks before your wedding so my eyes aren’t puffy””….I don’t believe she will follow though. It is a family wedding and NO ONE will be doing drugs there – in fact, it is highly offensive to my family. Due to the engagement party meltdown (plus two other events where she acted inappropriately) everyone in the wedding party is angry at her, including my parents. I want to be a supportive friend – and believe me I have been expressing my concern and offering support for months – but the wedding is getting closer and the behavior continues to get worse. I don’t want to be “bridezilla” but I do want a drama/drug free wedding.