Post # 1
My one and only bridesmaid, since my circle of friends consist of really only my best friend (MOH) and Michael (the Fiance), is my fiance’s sister. I had a bad feeling when I asked her because of her sketchy past. This girl is Bi-polar it’s been confirmed by a doctor in the past, but she has always refused meds or to get any kind of help. She is 22 has a 5 year old daughter from relationship #1 and a 1 1/2 year old son from now ex husband #1 (not to be confused with relationship #1 two different people) anyways, long story short she went ape poop one night and was put in the nut house for a week after returning home, (home is her parents house since she has never had a job in her life, or if she has she got fired) she lies and tells michaels mom and her mom that she needs to just take a walk to destress, but instead she goes up to her trashy party animal boyfriends house again. She never went to the follow up therapy appointment and her parents ask her to come hom because she shouldn’t be out drinking after she just go out of the nut house. She tells them basically to go pound sand in not so nice of terms and that she needed to act like an adult by doing whatever it was she wanted. Now she moved out of the parents house and live with her crack head friend and smokes pot all the drank time. Now here is where the bridesmaid stuff comes in…Personally I don’t like the girl when she is on meds or isn’t being a deviant little poop head she is okay, but I really only asked her because ishe is Michaels sister. Plus like I said before I have basically on real friend. So, the other night I call her and say "hey, with everything going on that is on your plate right now. Don’t worry about having to be a bridesmaid. I don’t want you to have to stress anymore than you are, but I still would love for you to be there." Yes, I was tryig to nicely fire her, but it back fired she went crazy yelling and screaming at me calling me all kinds of names saying I have no right to kick her out of her brothers wedding. Little does she know Michael doesn’t even want her at the wedding because she has treated the family like poop. After her screaming at me and I hang up her because I told her to call me back when she wasn’t so irrate she calls her mom and tells her she hates them and never wants to talk to them again. Ugh so I give into her stamping her feet and say if you can be dependable than you can still be a bridesmaid. So, she is still a bridesmaid and OMG I hate this girl LOL. Oh the drama don’t you just love it. I’m crossing my fingers she just deosn’t show up. this all happened last week and I have about 3 weeks left till we are married. I’ve decided I’m calling her once to tell her when and where the rehersal is and same with the wedding thats all if she can’t remember than oh well. Oh yea and she didn’t even come to my bridal shower cause she said she didn’t know when it was which is poop because I handed her the invitation. HA What a great bridesmaid eh.
Post # 3
Well that’s tough. I can understand why you aretryingto take a passive approach with ther, by subtly trying to encourage her not to come. You must have figured she’d go off when you fired her. But I’m not sure that’s the best approach. First, it might not work. She might still make the wedidng and still have a tyraid. Second, I hate to think about how people keep caving in to her tantrums. (Although, I’m sure you aren’t the problem. It sounds like the family has been too enabling about this for a while.)
I actually think the biggest problem here is the well being of the kids especially, but also the sister, and the family. Maybe someone else will know better than me, but I would think there would be a way to force her to get treatment. (Brittney Spears?) And as timing would have it, a stay at a hospital might take care of her not being at the wedding. (Easier said than done I’m sure….) If your FI doesn’t want her there, I would take that into consideration. If she is uninvited could you hire someone to make sure she stays out if she shows? You already backed down and let her stay as a BM, so I’m not sure you are likely to make such a drastic move. You might want to sit down with her along with your FI and explain to her that she needs to be on good behavior or she will be kicked out. But since she has bi-polar, she might not be able to really control that. Maybe you can give her an ultimatum about taking meds or she can’t be in the wedding. (The wedding is pretty close. I don’t even know how long it would take for meds to kick in.)
My preference would be to not have her come, if she is likely to go off the handle. Moreover, she needs help. Carrying that banner shouldn’t be your job. But maybe you can convince your FI and he can convince the parents to do someting about it.
Post # 4
My sister and MOH is bipolar, and we went through a lot trying to get her into treatment when it first surfaced (about seven years ago). It was an extremely difficult time for our whole family, one that I would not wish on anyone. Thankfully, she did get on medication that works for her, and is currently a very balanced and happy elementry school teacher.
So there’s hope.
The biggest thing that I can tell you to try to remember is that when she is manic and says all of those terrible things about you and FH’s family- that isn’t her. There were times when it felt like my sister had a magical talent for finding the words that would hurt my feelings the most. That’s part of the disease. She threw things at my parents, cursed me out, and flat out told me never to see my FH (who I was already dating) again. It took a lot of patience and understanding to get past everything that she said, but we would not be as close as we are today without it.
I know that you are probably really hurt and annoyed, and you have every right to be. But a wedding is about the start of your new life as a part of this family. Your FH’s sister is a part of that as well, whether she’s being responsible about the treatment or not.
I hope that you can make it through this tough time. When I was going through it, the forums at this site helped me. Good luck, and please do everything you can to enjoy your day!
Post # 5
You might need to assign somebody at the wedding to intervene with her if she starts to get upset or make a "scene." Are there family members (uncles? cousins?) who know her, who can either get her under control or escort her out? Will there be a security guard present? That’s worst case scenario, of course, and I don’t say that just because she’s got bipolar, but because she just seems generally rebelliious and out-of-control.
The next time she does something out of line, I think you’d be in your place to say, "Remember when I said you needed to be calm and dependable when I took you back as a bridesmaid? Well, you’ve shown me that you can’t do that, but I will love to have you there as a guest on your wedding day," and leave it at that. Your FI might need to step up to the plate and be the one to do this. If she makes a scene that day about that, who’s to say she won’t also make a scene because she’s not just generally the center of attention?
Sorry you’ve having to deal with this. We’ve also got an unmedicated bipolar family member and it’s difficult for everybody involved except her, it seems.
Post # 6
Thanks for all the advice. My MOH kind of took it upon herself to excort her out if she starts acting up. Personally, I’m not going to concern myself wiith her. I know that she is bi-polar and she can;t help it, but….technacally she can but she’s a stubborn little brat and won’t. Her ex-husband has full custady of the kids when she had her first crazy episode about a year ago. She didn’t even fight for them she just signedthe papers like they didn’t even matter. So, she is probably relieved that she doesn’t have to take care of them, but I’ve decided not to wrry myself with her. I’ll have two plans one for if she shows and one for if she does not show. If the sides are uneven they are uneven oh well. I’m not going to do her any more favors. Luckily I have the dress since I paid for it and inorder for her to get she has to come to the wedding and rehearsal and act like a civilized human being. I more or less don’t care the only trhing that will bother me is the tension that will be in the room because of her. Me and Michael both don’t want her there and her parents well it might be wierd being around a daughter who said she hated their guts and that she never wanted see or speak to them again. Eh oh well life goes on.
Post # 7
Hey there Cheyenne22, I like your attitude, dont let her be a bother. You should really have a good…no great time at your wedding, no one else should steal the thunder from you and your FI. It is a dicey situation since it involves a family member but if the family knows who she really is then dont worry about that either. Definitely consider having a neutral third party escort her out if she starts acting up in case this comes back later. Have a fabulous wedding 🙂 xoxo
btw there a a lot of weddings these days with unequal number of bm’s and gm’s
Post # 8
There are plenty of crazy girls out there trust me. You are not alone! I asked my fiance’s cousin (who he considers a sister) to be in my wedding. I was thrilled when she accepted but deep down I was terrified! Well it completely back fired in my face. She tried to control every situation and was a complete snot to my MOH (which is my sister).
After 2 weeks of screamin matches I chose to just erase her from my life all together. (Mind you this was over 6 months ago). To this very day…she still doesn’t know how to mind her own business.
We are not inviting her to the wedding nor her family.
In January she went so far as to call my FI and tell him "listen im not coming to the wedding becuz i dislike your girl, but i want to pay for your honeymoon"… I went crazy myself… It was just another way for her to control something. Why would someone who isn’t attending the wedding, got kicked out, and dislikes me, want to pay for my honeymoon???
Do what is best for you and your fiance. You’re a bigger person then me, sister or not, she’d be gone if that was me!!!
Post # 9
My maid of honour is bi-polar as well. She is also extremely depressed and anorexic with bulemic tendencies. She’s in an abusive relationship because her boyfriend can’t handle that she’s too sick to work and needs to eat still. He tells her to stop eating so much because it costs so much, even though he knows she needs to eat or she’ll die… pretty quick. She’s been my best friend since I was 6 years old and I don’t know what I can do. She lives on the other side of the country, so I can’t go see her… and what if she doesn’t make it to my wedding? I can’t very well replace her…
Post # 10
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I feel that you may want to reconsider the extent to which you want to eject your FSIL from your life. And actively preventing her from attending your wedding will be the first step. It’s clear that your FIL’s are not interested in abandoning her, and though you say your FI doesn’t want her at the wedding, does he similarly not want to maintain a longtern relationship with her? I know it’s very frustrating to deal with now, but she is going to be a member of your family for the rest of your life. Dealing with mental illness, especially one that makes people violent or dangerous, is extremely taxing. The impact will be hardest on your FILs, but I suspect also on your husband-to-be. As the newest member of the family, I think it’s important to remember that ties between parents and siblings are strong. Your negative feelings about your FSIL will be viewed differently than your husband’s. Because of this, I think first it’s imperative that if you decide not to include her your FH be the one doing the talking.
But, for wht it’s worth, I also think in the long run it might be helpful to try to understand your FSIL’s behavior in the context of her disease. Bi-polar disorders don’t just appear one day, the imbalance shapes a person’s life and personality. That’s not an excuse, but it is a context for understanding her "rebellious" behavior. 22 is still extremely young to have learned how to handle such a trying problem. And your marriage might infuse the family with enough joy and hope to help find a way to cope and grow stronger together.
Post # 11
Fizicsgirl, I haven’t yet kicked her out and at this point I have no intention of doing so. On her first acting out deal a year ago I did eveything I could to try and be nice to this girl and tell the family that it will be okay and she will come out of it and hit rock bottom and come back for help…which she did, but not before stating her opinions about me by telling my FIL’s that I was nothing but a whore and I was only using michael. Right lol. She can be a nice girl, but you give her an inch she will try and suck you dry. Thats just the person she is. Like I said she’s never worked a day in her life, but I’m not cutting her from the wedding, but she will have to take the initiative at showing up to the things that are of importance. She already missed the Bridalshower that she said she was going to go to the day before and than completely baled because she "didn’t know what time it was at and didn’t have a ride because her mom left without her" She knows where I live which is like 2 blocks from her house and she walks futher to see her boyfriend well last I heard now it’s her ex-bF, but whatever. If she shows up she shows up if she doesn’t even better. though like you said it might be a slap in the face to her my FIL and FH., but they already know how she is. Thanks for the advice. 🙂
Post # 12
Wow you are handling this way better than I would have. I never would have let her in the party in the first place, but that is me. I like your philosophy, give her the information once and if she shows up, great. If not, then if she throws a fit during the wedding or something, calmly pause and ask her to be removed. She will throw a tantrum, but at least you will look like a calm, in control bride instead of getting upset over it, then just go on with your evening. Sounds like you are prepared for the worst. Maybe keep the phone number for the nut house on hand in case she literally goes bezerk? I would consider asking someone to keep an eye on her, too, and see if you can get her medicated a few days leading up to the wedding. The medication sounds like it makes the biggest difference. But I think as long as you expect the poop to fly, you can tell youself "go figure" The day of the wedding, or "wow it went better than I thought" but it sounds like you are prepared for everything!!! Good luck, let us know how it goes =] and congrats on getting married in a few weeks!!! HOORAY
Post # 13
Just a little update. Herex husband was not going to come the the wedding, but both me and Michael want her there because He is like a part of the family to Michael and He is really nice so he said he would come. He is also purchasing the flower girl her dress so Now if Jessie (Michaels sister) doesn’t show up she may through a fit about that. I have no intention of giving ehr a ride to the rehearsal or the wedding. She lives about 45 mins away so no can do for me and I have yet to hear from her since the last insidont. Eh Oh well. 🙂