Post # 1
so i asked one of my old friends to be a BM in my wedding, but i’m really starting to regret having her. she doesn’t mesh well with any of the other BMs, is kind of uptight and i feel like she is doing a lot of this out of obligation rather than that she wants to. i was in her wedding years ago and i feel like now that she has a kid, she thinks this is all so trivial. i almost don’t even want her at the bachelorette because I feel like she would bring the party down.
as a sidenote, i debated and debated between having her or having another friend as a BM. the other one whom i didn’t ask, has been the most involved and the most helpful of all…and i really regret not having her stand up for me on my special day…
i’m just feeling a lot of regret and a little resentful/bitter…is there anything i can do to make this situation better? i’m guessing i don’t have a lot of options and have to keep her regardless, right?
Post # 3
Well if you get the feeling she would much rather not be involved I would have a heart-to-heart with her and give her a "way out."
Post # 4
I was in a similar situation with my sister as my MOH. In the end, I had a talk with her. I told her that I felt her heart wasn’t in it and if she feel more comfortable just watching the wedding from the stands I would not be offended. I struggled with asking her in the first place and as it turns out she struggled with saying yes. It hurt at first but I felt such an immediate relief too.
Maybe just approach her kindly and see if you can learn more about where she is standing with everything before you make an decisions. I don’t think you could replace her with the other girl without causing problems but hopefully you both can find there is a happy medium. Good Luck!
Post # 5
I had something similar. I picked my one niece of the other. I picked the one that lived closer because I thought she would be able to particpate more. However, now it seems that although she is exicted, that she can’t do anything without her mother helping her or driving her (she’s 24!) The other one is my godchild, and always brought up to me that she was my godchild. She is even flying in for the wedding. I feel really bad now that I didn’t pick her.
So I asked her to do my readings for me. I will also make sure she is mentioned in the program as my godchild. Maybe you could do something to include the other person elsewere?
I would I could do more (like turn the clock back and pick her instead)! But I will do what I could now that the decision has been made.
Post # 6
I agree with <span class=”postby”>Jenningsblue – towards the end of college, a friend asked me to be her maid of honor for a fall wedding. We’d grown up together and were super close through high school, then drifted apart. I initially accepted, but it soon became clear that with my move to another state and school loans coming due, it was going to be difficult to participate in a meaningful way without letting her down. So I had a hard talk with her and let her know that while I was excited for her and would love to particate in the wedding party, I didn’t feel that I could support her as MOH, even though I wanted to (the last was a bit of a stretch – I wasn’t that excited, but she didn’t need to know that).
In the end, she agreed and I attended the wedding as a guest. Now that I’m the bride, I am even more convinced it was the way to go – having an involved bridal party is so much fun and it really helps with the stress levels! She deserved to have a set of girls that she was close with at the time who could be there for her.
If you feel comfortable doing so, have a talk and offer that ‘out’ as gracefully as possible. It may be more of a relief for her than for you!
However it turns out, best of luck and do what you can to enjoy your day!
Post # 7
I don’t see why you can’t ask the other girl to be a bridesmaid too- it is never too late to ask- it is your day and your decision. As far as the uninterested on is concerned- don’t regret your decision- I’m sure she is a good person who is just to busy with her life to be the ideal bridesmaid- though that sucks, she/you will be fine and if she doesn’t mesh well, who cares- remember that afterall she will be there to support you at your wedding and she will look bad to others if she has an unenthusiastic attitude about her role.
Post # 8
I too had the same issue with my MOH and she declined in the beginning telling me I don’t have to make her the MOH but I told her that I really wanted her to.. later she tried to back out again after a bunch of issues arised with dress shopping and not helping with anything. At first, I did regret having her as a MOH b/c one of my oldest friends I didn’t ask to be a BM has done so much for me in planning my wedding n events. We never really talk about the issues but after our girls’ weekend for my bachelorette, she was more open and I noticed that she was happy to be part of the wedding. I think what happens with some people, they’re afraid of all the responsibilities and committment that’s involved being in a wedding that’s why they are not so responsive and helpful. I learned to accept it and let her know I don’t expect much and told her I picked her b/c she’s important in my life and left it up to her if she wanted to back out. Give her a choice but don’t drop her just let her know how you feel.
Post # 9
Well being the maid of honor may not always be an "Honor" to some people. It’s hard to drop everything to cater to one person , even if you’re good friends.
Post # 10
I agree – have a talk, and give her a "way-out" she doens’t sound into it either. It might just work out great for you both.
Post # 11
I was in the exact same situation, just different reasons for not being happy with my original choice. I finally had to sit down and talk with my older sister, who was MOH, and we decided that it was best that she not be in the bridal party. I was able to replace her with another really good friend, which was the best decision I could have ever made.
Be as gracious as possible, even though it would probably make you feel better to tell her what a disappointment she is being. I agree with the Bees above, try to word it so you are giving her an "out"….you know she’s really busy with her child and if being a BM is taking too much time, you’d completely understand that she’d prefer to be a guest.
Also wouldn’t be a bad idea to take the guilt factor out…tell her that you were honored to be in her wedding, but realize you’ve both grown up into your own lives and as much as you’d love her to be a BM, by no means should she feel obligated.
If that doesn’t work and she still wants to be in the wedding, then let her and add your other friend, too. It doesn’t need to be even with the GMs, and at least you’d have that extra support.