Post # 1
- Wedding: Davis Island Garden Club
One of my seven bridesmaids lives out of state. We have been best friends since we were 6, that’s 22 years of friendship. My sister is my maid of honor but I sense that my out of town bridesmaid feels as tough she is the unofficial maid if honor since we have been friends for so long.
Since she is out of town and mother of three I didnt expect her to make it for the shower or the bachelorette party, but I asked the girls to keep her informed on the plans so that she wouldn’t feel left out.
My shower was yesterday and my girls did an amazing job. It was beautiful and I had the most wonderful time. But I was surprised to learn that not only did my out of town bridesmaid not pitch in to help financially, she didn’t send a gift or a card. She didn’t even call, text, or Facebook me to wish me a happy shower day.
When this out of town bridesmaid got married she had a very small beach wedding and I helped with all of the arrangements. When she was finally able to have her “big” wedding I was her MOH and was there through the whole planning process. I went to dress fittings, cake tastings, florist appointments, and did DIY. I threw her shower and gifted her with some very sentimental wedding favors. I am godmother to her three kids and I always aim to be a thoughtful and loving friend.
I’m not trying to seem gift grabby, but I’m a little taken aback that she let my shower pass unacknowledged. I love her dearly and try so hard to do the right thig by her, and it hurts my feelings that she doesn’t recipricate. My FI says I shouldn’t be surprised because she is not a very thoughtful and considerate person, but I don’t feel like that is a fair “defense”.
So my question is should I say something to her about this and let her know that she hurt my feelings? Part of me doesn’t see any benefit in letting her know – it won’t change what happened and it will probably upset her. On the other hand I feel like I should let her know how I feel… What would you do?
Post # 2
I can understand why you’re upset, but I think your expectations are a little unreasonable, especially if what your fiancée said is correct. I do agree with him, by the way.
You handled your friend’s wedding and shower the way you did because that’s how you are. If she’s not that way in almost any situation, that is a good “defense”. People aren’t going to do a 180 degree turn in behavior just because you’re getting married.
I think you should look at this situation a bit differently: she didn’t cause problems, she didn’t say anything hurtful, and she didn’t have troublesome opinions about an event that she wasn’t going to attend. She did what she needed to do.
Has she been a good bridesmaid otherwise? If she has been, then I think letting this go would be a good idea.
Besides, it has only been a day. She might ask about what the shower was like later. She may not have done what you wanted her to do right off the bat, but she may acknowledge your shower in her own way and in her own time. In the meantime, be happy about how your shower turned out and try to be thankful that she didn’t cause you or the other bridesmaids any real problems.
Post # 3
It would have been nice if she sent a card or phoned with her best wishes, but she didn’t. As an out of town bridemaid, she is not expected to help finance a shower that she can’t attend.
Although you have known her for years, perhaps your FI is a better judge of character.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2014 - Lacuna Artist Lofts
I think I would give her a call and ask if something was wrong, make sure she has been fully included, and if she is fully negligent on her part, perhaps ask if the wedding is too much for her and if she wanted to step down.
I would be a message from you, without it sounded like an attack or over-emotional.
Post # 5
Your friends threw you a beautiful, amazing party in your honour, and you’re mad because a busy mother of three didn’t wish you a “happy shower day”?
Really, you can’t keep a running tally of what you did for her wedding and expect her to reciprocate it exactly. That’s not how friendships work.
Post # 6
Did she RSVP? If so, she’s done nothing wrong.
If this bridesmaid was not local or the host of your shower, I don’t see why she would feel the need to contribute to the expenses of the party she couldn’t even attend. That is ridiculous and she had no obligation to do that.
Shower gifts are supposed to be cute or practical, not lavish. If you were not expecting something big, then it’s a little silly to feel entitled to unwrap something from someone who could not even be there or slighted that you didn’t.
Sure, a phone call to hear all about it would have been nice, but it’s only been a day. It’s also possible she will send something along later.
Post # 7
She lives out of state… so, what are you reasonably expecting of her? She wasn’t there (I assume) so no expectations should be put upon her. Also, I didn’t know brides wanted to be wished a “Happy Shower Day.” This can’t actually be a “thing”, can it? You didn’t really expect her to text you that?<br /><br />Maybe I’m just out of the loop because I think showers are incredibly gift grabby and I just generally don’t like them at all, but I don’t think you have a “right” to be upset she didn’t get you anything… because she wasn’t there. I do think it’s unreasonable to expect her to pay for something she won’t attend. Being a bride is great and all, but bridesmaids aren’t ATMs for you. If she wasn’t there, I wouldn’t ever expect her to pay for it just so I could go and enjoy people giving me things.
Post # 8
I didnt know one was supposed to wish a bride to be a “Happy shower day’. This is news to me. Since when did the shower become THAT important? Shouldnt it be the actual wedding day that matters? o_0
Post # 9
amoore2: how is it not a fair defense to be an inconsiderate person? I’m not sure that was meant as a justification, but more a reality check re unrealistic expectations.
But also, things have changed for her if she is a mother of three as you say. unless you were a mother of three when you helped her with her wedding, I’m not sure the comparison is helpful.
i don’t think I’d say anything for the above reasons and because while I understand that you are hurt, I don’t see a point in telling her. It was one day, and I guess I would be surprised if someone expected me to pay for a shower I wasn’t attending and expected a happy shower phone call.
Post # 10
I don’t think this is a big deal in terms of what she did and didn’t do, but I do see where it could be a little hurtful that your closest friend – someone that you’re close enough to that you’re the godmother of her 3 children – wouldn’t even acknowledge the day.
Give her a call and just check with her that everything is alright. Don’t say anything about gifts etc because I agree w/ PP – that seems “gift grabby.” But you definitely want to make sure that she isn’t feeling neglected/unincluded (ie: perhaps there was a date conflict and your BMs decided to do it on that date knowing she wouldn’t be able to attend even though she really wanted to) and that there wasn’t any animosity or anything. But if she says everything is fine and seems normal, then just let it go. She’s a busy mother of three, as you said. Life happens, lol.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
I do understand why you’re hurt. I mean she’s your best friend, but I also think it’s unfair to expect ALL of that from your out of town bridesmaid. I mean to chip in for the shower, AND send a gift or card, AND call you the day of to wish you a happy shower. Whether the person was in my wedding or not and they couldn’t make it, I just left it at that. If they wanted to send a gift or card, fine. If they wanted to help chip in for the party, fine. If they wanted to call me that day, fine. But I didn’t expext any of it. I don’t really think it’s fair to.
Post # 12
I’m in a wedding party with an out of town BM who couldn’t attend the shower (I’m actually out of town too but decided to help plan for and attend the shower). We kept her in the loop but didn’t ever ask her to contribute because it seems silly for her to pay for something she can’t attend.
I can see being a bit hurt that she didn’t say anything at all about the shower but I certainly wouldn’t expect a gift (from someone who needs to travel for your wedding along with other BM expenses) and I definitely wouldn’t bring it up. Just give her a call and see what’s going on in her life. Maybe with three kids (and a presumably busy life) it totally slipped her mind and she will ask how it all went.
I also agree with PPs that your comparison of you helping with her wedding isn’t really fair unless you also were out of town with three kids. It’s great that your a kind/considerate person but not everyone is. If you already knew this about her I’m not sure why this situation is a surprise to you.
Post # 13
amoore2: No, do not contact her to complain that she didn’t wish you a happy shower. I wouldn’t even think to do that, seems unnecessary. It also makes sense that she didn’t contribute financially since she wasn’t able to attend. You’re overreacting. As you said, bringing this up will do no good, so try to focus on the good time you had instead.
Post # 14
A shower to me solely translates as a gift-giving event, and etiquette experts would probably agree a gift is never mandatory, especially for an event you can’t attend. And about the card or phone call, maybe it’s just me, but what special happened that day beside it being a gift-giving day ? And what exactly was she supposed to acknowledge/congratulate you about ?
purrrbaby: This exactly.
Post # 15
Why was she supposed to call/text you “happy shower day”? That screams attention seeker. This woman is out of town with 3 children. She’s got her own life and your wedding is not the most important thing to her. Cut her some slack. As long as she’s done what she needed to do dress-wise, anything extra is gravy.
Remember, no one will be as excited about the pre-wedding festivities & wedding itself, as you and your fiance.