Post # 1
I am not engaged yet (coming very soon!), but I have already started brainstorming about wedding ideas. I decided that I really want a small DW wedding (50 people or so). This is great for my introverted self, but there is one problem: I have five first cousins that are girls. That may not sound like a lot, but the oldest of my cousins (she is 19) has her heart set on being a bridesmaid. We have never been extremely close, but the closer I get to being engaged, the more I have noticed she is trying to “buddy up” with me. She even went so far as to tell me that I HAD to make her my maid of honor, but I know that my FSIL would already have dibs, especially since I am closer to her in the first place.
At first, I was fine with the idea of my cousin being a bridesmaid. However, that would mean that her sisters (ages 16 and 4) would also have to be a bridesmaid and flower girl by default, and I am not close to these girls at all. The 16 year old has never said two words to me. I can also see being guilted into making my other girl cousins (12 and 6) a junior bridesmaid and another flower girl. You can see where this gets tricky, because I would have NO room in my wedding party for anyone else that I am actually close with.
Since I want a small wedding, I have been told that I can only have a max of 3 bridesmaids. This is especially troubling because that would mean that I would probably have to leave one of my cousins out, and my dramatic family would have a heyday if that were to happen. Even worse, if I were to pick someone other than my oldest cousin, that side of the family would practically disown me. My distant second cousin was recently married, and she got TONS of grief for not including any of us in her bridal party. You can see why I am a little concerned, and I am not even engaged yet! I don’t want to end up with a wedding party that isn’t close to me. I think they don’t even realize what being a bridesmaid entails, and they are all so young. It’s a big job, and I want to make sure that I can trust whoever I pick to do everything that it requires! Any tips for choosing the right bridesmaids, and how to break it to the ones I don’t pick?
Post # 3
You should never feel like you have too. Remember, this is your day, and what you want and dream of is what should happen.
If you are feeling that she is forcing herself, maybe you should just talk to her.
If you do decide to call her Bridemaid, do not feel like you have to ask her siblings as well.
If anyone gives you grief for your decisions, they just there proved themselfs of not bing the right person. The wedding is about you, not them!
Post # 4
@Nikkimcq: Thank you! That is what I keep trying to remind myself. I know it is impossible to make everyone happy. I am just trying to avoid as much family drama as possible!!
Post # 5
@blushblossom91: You are the one who determines if you feel guilt, not anyone else.
There is no need to feel guilt at all over your choices of BM’s.
If you are having your FSIL as MOH, I would have your best friend as BM and stop there. That way you don’t get stuck in the “if I have A, I need to have B” conundrum.
Post # 6
Being a bridesmaid is an honor, not a a privelege. Since this is your day, you should go with who you want and not who you feel obligated to ask. If you don’t make certain girls your bridesmaid, maybe find another way to make them feel included? I’m having one of my non-BM friends help plan the bachelorette party.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
People who are drama will always find a way to make drama, no matter what you do to appease them. So stop trying. I think a PP gave great advice to go with FSIL and your very best friend. Keep the bridal party small and simple. If people make a fuss about it, let it be their problem, and don’t feel any need to let their problem become your problem.
Post # 8
I’m all for making sure everyone feels included, I don’t want anyone to feel left out on my wedding day or for any feelings to be hurt, so I’m having 10 “bridesmaids”! I put it in quotes because they’ll all be wearing the same gown (that I’m paying for) and staying in the hotel (also that I’m paying for) and participating in all the events, but at the wedding they’re walking down the aisle and taking a seat and we aren’t having any kind of “head table” nonsense. Maybe consider doing something like that? That way everyone has a “title” and feels inlcuded and no feelings are hurt (and no drama), but you still get the “small wedding” feel of not really having a giant bridal party?
Post # 9
DO NOT make your cousin your BM out of guilt.
Like you said, you aren’t even that close to her. Now you are planning a big ‘do, and suddenly she thinks you’re best friends?!
Typically the PUSHIEST people who have delusions about how important they are to you or what their role should be in your life create the most Drama.
I guarantee that if you choose her she will be the most boring, lazy, whingy, self centred bridesmaid ever.
Please just choose your nearest and dearest!
Post # 11
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@blushblossom91: I feel your pain. This is the very reason I’m not having a bridal party, except for one flower girl. There are just so many friends/family members I feel obligated to ask, for one reason or another, that the party would be up to 10 girls! And I also want to have a small, 60-75 person wedding. So yeah… I’m just not going to deal with it. But good luck in this tough situation!
Post # 12
As previous posters have said, just keep saying no!
Post # 13
@younglady: Typically the PUSHIEST people who have delusions about how important they are to you or what their role should be in your life create the most Drama.
It plays out exactly like this on the Bee all the time. Just keep it your FSIL and BF. That’s it. People don’t like it, TOUGH. Start learning to say “that’s simply not the vision we (it’s your FH’s day to)had for our day.” And change the subject. You don’t owe ANYONE an explaination about your day.
Post # 14
If I were to include my oldest cousin, I would make her the sole representative of my family in my bridal party. Does that make sense? That way, she could represent all of my other cousins and family members as well, and then I could have my FSIL to represent SO’s family in addition to my closest friend. That is the easiest way I have thought to do it at the moment. I still have plenty of time to brainstorm though!