Post # 1
I have a bit of a dilemma: I have asked 2 of my closest friends and my sister to be my bridesmaids. So far so good. However, all of them live quite far away, ranging from at least 2 hours to a transatlantic flight. My MIL also lives a transatlantic flight away and my mom lives on the continent (I live in the UK). So I’ve been doing this wedding thing pretty much either by myself or with my FI.
There is one more friend who lives in the same city as me. She really is a very good friend and I like her a lot. On top of that she loves anything wedding and is always offering to help out. For the moment I have told her that I won’t be having a bridal party aside from my sister. I know she’d love to be a bridesmaid and would be sad if she sits in the church and sees my bridesmaids come in. So I basically have 2 options, either own up to the fact that I am having bridesmaids or make her a bridesmaid as well or continue on like this. This is where the problem comes in: while she is a very good friend she always has a lot of drama going on. She’s desperate to lose weight, things haven’t been going well in her career and her boyfriend of 6,5 years (and they’re both in their early 30s so it’s not like they’re too young for marriage) just keeps stringing her along without a ring in sight. My career is going well at the moment, I’ve managed to lose weight and I’m getting married next year – she’s made no secret of her envy. She’s already bought a wedding dress, that’s how badly she wants to get married. While I think it’d be lovely to have her around on the wedding day and be able to fully involve her in any planning she wants to be involved in, rather than dodging wedding related conversations all the time, I’m a bit worried that she’ll basically focus on her lack of ring more than on the fun of the wedding day and, erm, vocalise that. Also, what if her BF does decide to pop the question? Then she may feel obligated to still help with my wedding when I want her to really enjoy her own wedding planning.
My FI is really against making her a bridesmaid, he thinks she’s too full of her own drama to be a positive addition to the party. I’m tired of dodging the issue and just want to resolve it. So I’ve come up with 2 possible scenarios:
1. Say to my FI that she is my friend and I want to make her a bridesmaid despite his objections.
2. Tell her I’m having bridesmaids but that I worry she’ll be engaged soon and will need all the time she can get to plan her wedding without having mine added on top of that (which is completely true rather than an excuse!). Maybe she could instead do a reading?
What do I do bees?? I’ve been engaged for nearly 2 years now and this issue has been going for almost as long as that, I’m so tired of it!!
Post # 3
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m too scared to even ask my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids, because I know I’ll have friends that feel left out. I think we both need to remember, that it is our special day, and it’s nice that people want to feel included, that day is NOT about them. You definatly should tell her that you are having a couple of VERY close friends, whom you have probably known for years as bridesmaids, but you didn’t want to go beyond that because 3 was your limit. But don’t feel like you HAVE to include her. Now I need to give that same advice to myself.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
One of my BM is engaged to be married but isn’t getting married until about a year after my date and another one is currently pregnant.. and they are the two that help me the most! I personally would make her a bridesmaid so that you don’t have to do all of that planning by yourself (which is omg stressful).
Post # 5
If shes such a good friend and so willing to be very helpful, why n ot make her a bridesmaid? just because she’s not perfect and has issues in her life you and your FI don’t want to include her? that’s cruel.
Also, as long as she is supportive of you and your upcoming marriage, I see no reason not to have this so-called good friend as a BM.
Post # 6
The point of a bridesmaid is to make your wedding easier. Bridesmaids help out in all different ways, some plan bridal showers and bachelorette parties, and some just show up the day of the wedding with a smile on their face in the dress that you chose, ready to party. Either one is great! What is not okay is having a bridesmaid who will be a source of tension and anxiety. There will be enough of that as you plan for your big day!
It really does not sound like you want to include her as a bridesmaid, so don’t. Definitely go the reading route in my personal opinion. You could take her out to lunch and ask her. Use this opportunity to come clean about the other two bridesmaids, and the sooner the better. Perhaps when you ask her to be the reader, go over the ceremony outline, casually including the three bridesmaids. You do not owe her a personal explanation unless she asks for one as to why she is not a bridesmaid. Telling her you didn’t ask her in anticipation of her engagement could backfire. What if she doesn’t get engaged? It’s likely already a source of pain for her (if she’s been waiting so long), so having that rubbed in her face (so to speak) alongside also hearing she isn’t going to be a bridesmaid would be a double whammy. If she asks why you’re having two other bridesmaids, just mention that you realized recently you really wanted several of your best girl friends to be a part of your day, and you and your fiance decided this was the best way to include everyone. Bonus… she can wear whatever she wants!
Post # 7
I’d probably make her a bridesmaid. You have to phrase it carefully, though, since you already lied to her and said you weren’t having a BP. And make sure the other girls don’t mention that she’s a late addition!
Post # 8
i’ve been with my boyfriend for over six years and somehow I’ve managed to be a bridesmaid at least 3 times for my friends who I’ve been super ecstatic for. I’d be devastated if any of them considered not having me because they thought I might be jealous. Just because she wants to get married doesn’t mean she can’t be super happy for you. In fact, I think it means she’s even more excited about weddings because she hasn’t had the chance to go through the process herself yet. If she is good enough to help you with wedding tasks, then she should be good enough to a bridesmaid. If not, do her a favor and be honest with her, otherwise you’re just taking advantage of her kindness.
Post # 9
Thanks for the advice bees!! I know some of what I wrote may not have come across too well – I really do value her friendship and haven’t made her do any wedding things because I certainly did not want to take advantage of her really kind offers while this is going on in the back of my head. Just occasional bit of chat over a few drinks amongst many other topics.
I think the biggest problem is that FI is dead. set. against. it. I’ve brought it up a couple of times with him and he just keeps putting his foot down and saying what a bad idea it is. My mum also doesn’t seem to keen on it either. I’m just so conflicted at the moment! I really like my friend but I also value the opinion of my absolute nearest and dearest.
Post # 10
Post # 11
I agree with some of the others. You don’t want to become an outlet for her personal drama . . . and if she helps you a lot (which is nice and all) you don’t want to be subjected to her venting 24/7 during the planning process. Asking her to direct guests, do a reading, or be a guestbook attendant might be a better way to go.
Post # 12
Maybe it’s just a regional thing, but I had 2 girlfriends be personal attendants in addition to my 4 bridesmaids. They helped with some pre-wedding stuff (whatever they could, nothing mandatory), wore wrist corsages day of and helped wherever needed, sat up front for the ceremony, and were in pictures, but didn’t have to buy a bm dress, just wore cordinating colors. To me, they were equally important, I just didn’t have room for that many bridesmaids. Maybe an option?
Whatever you do, I wouldn’t keep lying about the fact that you have bridesmaids. It’s your decision regardless and hopefully she won’t be upset about that. Obviously the truth will come out eventually and better sooner than later!!
Post # 13
I think you’re all right that I should just tell her what the deal is sooner rather than later. In fact, I should have done that a year ago. Ugh. Avoidance isn’t always the best solution, as I’m sure many bees before me have also learned. So I’m leaning towards asking her to do a reading, don’t want the bridal party to grow too much.
Was also thinking that her BF doesn’t know many people in the wedding and I don’t want him to be effectively left to his own devices during the ceremony and cocktail hour (that happened to me a few weeks ago, I didn’t know anyone as they were FI friends and spend most of the wedding (pre-ceremony, ceremony, cocktail hour and dinner) by myself as he was a groomsman and therefore mostly taking photos). I managed to make a few friends along the way but was so nervous on the journey to the venue! The wedding was lovely and I was really happy for the couple though!