Post # 1
I could really use some help with a situation I’ve recently found myself in. When I selected my bridesmaids I never even considered waiting to ask them because we had been friends for years and I just assumed two of my friends would always be in my bridal party. I ended up with a Maid/Matron of Honor and 4 Bridesmaid or Best Man, however, I now really would like to ask two of those bridesmaids to step down. I know this is a horrible thing to do but it’s causing me a lot of stress and I honestly don’t even want to be friends with them anymore.
Backstory: The three of us work together and have been best friends outside of work for years. We do everything together as a group of 3. But lately they have been leaving me out of things, being rude to me and making me feel like they want nothing to do with me. I spoke to them about this last year and they said it was because I wasn’t putting in enough effort (which was bull!!) but I sucked it up and started putting in way more effort of calling/texting/inviting them to do things. And they haven’t changed at all! I think they talk to me even less now and the only time we do talk is at work because they don’t return my calls/texts and find excuses/blow me off every time I suggest we do something together. If we didn’t work together I would’ve confronted them again and flat out said I don’t want to be friends. However, that would make things SUPER awkward at work so I’ve decided I’m just going to let them drift and just move on quietly. This leads me to my current problem….what do I do about them being bridesmaids?
I don’t know whether I should approach them and let them know that I don’t want them to be my bridesmaids anymore (which would make work really stressful!), or if I should just not talk about anything wedding related anymore. The wedding isn’t for two years and neither of them ever ask anything about it anyways so I’m kinda leaning towards just pretending I never asked them. I figure by the end of the two years I probably won’t work there anymore and we will be talking even less by then. But I also realize how awful that sounds…so please help me figure out what to do!
Thanks so much for any advice you can offer!
Post # 3
I have to agree with you. I would quietly try to let it go. Hopefully they won’t say anything. I think it’s kind of a weird situation, though. If I was asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I can’t imagine never talking about the wedding, or forgetting being asked.
Are these girls single? On one hand, I could see they might naturally feel like they have more in common to each than you, at this point. But to deliberately exclude you? (And you didn’t say this, but I’m picturing talking behind your back or something.) I can’t help but think they are jealous.
Good luck. I hope you get a new job before the wedding too.
Post # 4
Thanks. I feel awful about just pretending I didn’t ask them, but at the same time, they’ve pretty much been pretending like they never said yes. I’m 99% sure they are talking about me behind my back too. One of them is single and the other is living with her boyfriend so maybe one is jealous, but I think it’s just that we have different ideas of fun. They usually only agree to do anything if it means going to a bar and honestly that’s not my idea of fun. Every once in a while sure, but not every time.
They haven’t asked me anything about my life in a few months, never ask about my Fiance, never ask what I did on the weekend when they hung out without me, etc. When we first got engaged they were really nice and asked about it, but after that one day they didn’t discuss it again. I’m just sick of trying to make them be my friends, when realistically it just isn’t going to happen. I’m really hurt and upset but I just want to forget about it at this point.
Post # 5
friendship can’t be forced. Since they do not take the initiative to talk to you very much, and ur wedding is a ways off, I think you can just let your invitation slide. Looking at how things are, they probably won’t ever bring it up even if you guys are still friend in the date draws near. Less Bridesmaid or Best Man means less drama! congratz & good luck!
Post # 6
I also voted to quietly let it go and distance myself away from them like you’ve been doing. They sound cliquey and catty and passive aggressive. If you weren’t working with them, I’d confront them and ask them to step down, but you’re in kind of an awkward position because of work.
You’ve done your part by putting in the effort. I hope everything works out- maybe they’ll come around or you’ll find another job. Good luck!
Post # 7
i vote for the quiet fade – you have a ton of time between now and the wedding if its something they genuinely want to do they will bring it up. if not. oh well. problem solved!
Post # 8
I agree with the quiet fade for now, especially as you work together. Is it likely you’ll find another job in the 2 years before the wedding? Because that would make everything much easier too 🙂 If they bring it up at some point you could let them know you’ve changed your mind. I’m sorry, it’s never easy when friendships fizzle like this but it’s a good reminder as to who your real friends are, and how you deserve to be treated!
Post # 9
The quiet fade is my solution to almost all my problems..
Post # 10
I’d confront them NOW, but not strip them of their Bridesmaid or Best Man duties YET. You never know, they just may come around and change their behavior. 🙂
Post # 11
Two years is a while, by that time you all may have just moved on with life. Letting things go seems better than confronting them. If things change over time, (another or both get engaged) they may come around, and include you again if they are just jealous now, but if that’t the case and you’ve confronted them this early, it would be awkward later. Sorry you are going through this.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the support everyone! I think I am probably just going to let them drift and not say anything. If we didn’t work together I’d absolutely confront them now, but I’ve talked to them about how they treat me in the past and gave them a chance for things to change and unfortunately they’ve decided it’s not worth their time so they are no longer worth mine. Confronting them now wouldn’t do any good, it would just make things unbearable at work (they are super close with my boss who determines how many hours I get a week) and I’d rather just be friendly with them at work and give up on the outside of work friendship.
I think even if they were to change their behavior now it wouldn’t make me want to have them as bridesmaids because they’ve been bad friends for a while now and I want people up there who have supported me throughout everything, and they definitely haven’t.
I guess I should start looking for a new job lol.
Thanks everyone for your feedback, it definitely helped!
Post # 13
Honestly, since your wedding is two years away, I wouldn’t worry about it. Obviously they have no interest in being in the wedding based on the way they are acting now, and it sounds like the friendship is running it’s course on it’s own. Don’t worry about it now.
Post # 14
I am going with the crowd and say to do the fade. Since it is a ways away, and if they really aren’t wanting to be good and supportive friends to you, then they aren’t worth being your friends or your bridesmaids. I am sure you have friends that do deserve those spots more than those two.
Post # 15
i vote fade, because the wedding is so far away, but otherwise I would either write an email or have a conversation where you let them now politley, that you are the bigger, more mature person and although you are sad that you are no longer close, you accept that and will move on.
I think it really depends on how badly you want to stay friends with these girls (not much by the looks of things)
Sadly, friends come and go and sometimes you just grow out of each other. It happens. Remember the good times and look at it as an opportunity to go meet some new friends!
Post # 16
Out of curiosity, how did this work out for you? My fiance proposed on my birthday and I asked my girls that same week. I’m not getting married until March, but there is one girl that I really wish I hadnt asked.
Shes not a genuine person, and she pretends to be interested in my wedding although she talks about me behind my back.
For us it’s complicated because our significant others are best friends, but even my fiance is saying that I should ask her to step down, or pretend I never asked her, because the wedding isnt until 3/2/13.
At one point I thought about created a wedding website, and just not putting her on it to see if she’d get the hint. but I thought that was pretty spineless.