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Ask her to step down...she seems unable to do her BM duties. She shouldn't have made you cry!
My suggestion is to go out for coffee and ask her if she feels overwhelmed, and then calmly explain to her that maybe it would be best if she steped down.
That's pretty terrible. I get frustrated with my mom sometimes, but if anyone was rude to her like that, we'd be DONE! So I totally get where you're coming from. I think if you decide to kick her out, keep in mind that you likely won't stay friends after this, so you will be completely ending the friendship, not just the wedding duties. Also, I would do it ASAP since she planned the shower. Unless your mom and other BMs take over you might have to cancel it.
I'm sorry this happened! Poor you and your mom! :-(
I would talk to her about the shower, just to make sure she isn't overwhelmed right now. I personally do think that going to someone's work over a shower invitation is a little extreme. If your mom was calling or texting when she was working maybe she really was busy.
Wow, your MOH was really rude to your mom. If a friend of mine treated my mom like that I would tell my friend where to go. Your mom showed up b/c it's your wedding shower and your MOH didn't do what she told her she was going to do multiple times. Also your mom tried communicating with your MOH via phone/text with no response so I think she was in the right to try to contact her in person. Your MOH sounds like she wants a way out considering she said 'maybe she couldn't be a part of any of this' and hasn't done the things she said she would. It's rude of her to think invites can go out to OOT guests and even in town guests for a shower in less than 2 weeks, people have to make plans! I'd say tell your MOH that you aren't going to talk to your mom b/c you think MOH was in the wrong and that if she feels she needs to step down that is fine but once she's out, she's out.
dude. woah. sounds like shes got personal issues shes dealing with. is this normal behavior for her?
VERY. not. COOL. for her stressing you and your mom out like that. not cool. BMs are supposed to help eliviate stress not add to it. boo. double boo.
if its a friendship you want to salvage, talk to her in a sitdown face to face and find out what is going on really (this is so not about the shower or your mom. there is bound to be something more there). if you dont, keep steppin and tell her not to let the door hit her where the good Lord split her.
Wow. Sounds like your MOH is pretty stressed out right now and feeling really threatened by your mom and you. Sounds like she treated your mom pretty badly,which isnt fair, but it might be helpful to also look at where she's coming from. The wedding is most important to you and your mom, and while your MOH might be happy to share in the festivities, she might also have other things going on in her life. Maybe your mom could have thrown the shower herself instead of going over to your MOH's work and calling/texting non-stop which seems like it really put your MOH on the defensive (which probably would offend most people). Not sure what you should do..but I would try to look at this from all sides.
I can understand having some tension about getting the invites out in time, but it sounds like it all happened really fast (work appearance on Tuesday, bridesmaid blow-up on Wednesday? Thursday?), and from the BM's perspective, she may feel very pressured and hounded by your mom. From your BM's perspective, I would be SUPER embarrassed to have to say to my boss or to a customer, "Oh, that woman who just came in and talked to me is my friend's mom, I'm throwing her a wedding shower, blah blah blah." It's just not professional. Of course, it's not right for her to have blown up like that about your mom.
I would say, talk to your friend about all this. Explain how close you are to your mom, that it hurt to hear her talk about her like that. Then ask your friend how she's feeling. I'm betting she's having some big time management issues, and whether it's from too much to do or procrastination, I don't know. If she's not the type who usually lashes out like that, seems like there might be some issues going on in her life. Don't ask her to step down unless you really feel like your relationship with her is compromised. Just recommend that she take a much smaller responsibility in any future events connected with the wedding.
Ok, so I'm going to play devil's advocate here...and I'm going to be honest...your mom showed up at her WORK? The first thing that comes to mind is...PSYCHO! Not to say this about your mom personally, but I am bad at returning emails/calls sometimes too, and yet I still check my facebook too, and that is NOT a good reason to be stalked, followed, or approached at your place of work.
I understand why she's upset, and personally, I would have stepped down as your MOH too. If you and/or your mom are type A, then you/your mom should have planned this whole thing but there was a civilized way to figure this out before letting it get this far. I can see your mom's p.o.v. too and why she's upset that she was ignored for so long, but still I think she owed you MOH an apology for approaching her at work, and she owed your mom one for her flakiness.
I am a little confused. I don't see where your MOH was rude to your mom. Yes, she vented to you about your moms actions but its sounds like she was civil to your mom directly. I would have to say if my friends mom showed up at my work without my permisson, I would be ticked. And then to come to my apartment too. That would upset me. It also sounds like this all happened in a short period of time. Your MOH may have a different time frame then you do. She does still have her own life to live. It sounds like most people already know your bridal shower is May 1st so maybe she didnt feel sending the invites out super early was important. Did your MOH ever say that she was in trouble of not pulling off the shower? Or was it just an assumption? I think there was a little bit of jumping the gun here and not enough faith in a person you know enough to have as your MOH. I would be offended if I was the MOH.
Yeah, not OK that your mom went to your MOH's house AND her workplace! Your mom needs to back off. You guys need to take a few deep breaths and think about how important this really is.
Well, I see both sides to this...
On the one hand, those shower invitations should have gone out at the beginning of April. For her to take over the shower planning, refuse help from others, say several times that she would mail the invites and then just not do it is incredibly flaky and unfair to you and the guests. Plus, she was rude to your mom and put you in an unfair position by complaining/bitching about your mom to you....Definitely not good.
I do think your mom should not have gone to her work/apt without letting her know, since she could get in trouble for that from her employer. That might have been overstepping her boundaries a bit, although from your explanation, it makes sense what she did it.
I think you should try to fix things and not kick her out of your wedding party, that's pretty much going to effectively end the friendship. If that's what you want, then ask her to step down but if you still hope to maintain a good relationship with this girl, then don't ask her to step down...
But I do think you need to talk to her, tell her how you're feeling, listen to how she was feeling, what her thoughts on the situation were and try to resolve it (maybe both sides need to apologize?)
Good luck and I'm sorry you're stressed and got put in the middle of this, and it sucks to have such a negative beginning to the planning of an awesome event like your shower :(
OK, yes your friend should've called your mom back. I do agree with that. However, mom showing up to friend's workplace and home would probably make me angry, too. In fact, I'd be livid!
Why didn't your mom ask you to get ahold of your friend before marching down to her work and confronting her? That's really unprofessional AND embarassing. Totally not appropriate so I can see why BM didn't call your mom back right away--she was steaming! And personally, I'm of the type that if I say i'm gonna do something, I do it. Having somebody hound me is just irritating. Although I don't know why a text wasn't out of order. Because even if you are super busy and don't want to call late at night, you can always send a quick message and say you mailed them off. However, I think we all know that we forget to return calls and things slip away from us on occassion.
Now, i got the impression she didn't blow up AT your mom, but blew up at you about it, is that right? Because if they didn't actually have a brawl about it, hopefully they can just say it was all a miscommunication and move on.
It sounds like your bridesmaid is overwhelmed with other things right now... or she just doesn't see the shower as being as much of a priority as you and your mom do. If someone's mom kept hounding me about getting invites out, I'd probably keep telling them I'd mail them the next day to, whether or not they were ready to go out.
And I'm sorry, but I side with your bridesmaid. I would be absolutely LIVID if someone's mom showed up at my office to confront me about invitations to what is essentially a party. Yes, I know it's your bridal shower and whatnot, but in the big picture here, it's just a party. And if someone's mom showed up at my place of work - in front of my coworkers and boss - you can bet I would be on the phone to them, and I would be mad.
I don't think you should ask her to not be in the wedding unless you're willing to lose a friend over this. Step back and look at it from the outside and really make sure this is something losing a friend over. It's just a party, it's just one day, and presumably you've been friends for much longer than that. But I also think it's fair at this point to call your bridesmaid and tell her the other girls are feeling left out of the planning process, and since nothing's been done yet, they're meeting at whatever time to get the ball rolling and she's welcome to join them. I know your mom wants to be involved, but she shouldn't be planning your shower anyway.
Ok well it sounds like your friend isnt very responsible at all! But playing the devils advocate you mom should of never showed up at her work. That might of made her feel embarressed and felt like your mom was just a little to far out there. If she wasnt responding to your moms messages then your mom had every right to just take over herself.
It sounds like your mom loves you very much and obviously would go out of her way to get you your shower. But she might have been a little out of line for how hard she tried getting ahold of your friend.
And as for your friend....well she just needs to get her act together and grow up! If shes gonna do something then she needs to do it and not expect something like this to happen when it doesnt!
It almost sounds like your friend was looking for some kind of out when she said she didnt want to be a part of the wedding anymore.... If she was just saying that to get a reaction then I think thats pretty cruel to threaten someone that you wont be in their wedding party just because you are mad.....good luck and I hope she doesnt do this again over something else in the wedding.
I have to agree with the other posters. No one should go to someone's job about invites. That's a place of employment and I would have been just as livid! I understand it's important to your mom, but it's not that important to go to someone's job
I don't think she was rude to your mom. She may have got busy. Now, she told you all her greivences, not your mom. As far as her being to busy, I don't know about other people, but when someone is riding my back about something, I ignore it. Some people don't respond well to that.
I hope this gets worked out.
Thanks everyone for the input. I think you guys are right, it was a big step for my mom to go to her work. My mom didn't think she was doing what she said she was, and since there isn't another day we can do the shower, she wanted to make sure something was happening. I guess I'm so upset about this because there are other issues with this BM. She told me to lose weight when I first got engaged, is rude to my other BMs, and when I've come to her with questions about the wedding, she is anything but interested. I guess I just feel like she doesn't want to be part of the wedding, but instead of just telling me outright (I asked her when we talked on the phone and she got offended.), she is just acting like she doesn't care. And really, it's fine if she doesn't. I know my wedding is way more important to me than to anyone else.
I will see how the shower goes and see if things improve between her and my mom, and then I will have a talk with her. Maybe she is just wanting out but doesn't realize it yet. Thanks everyone!
Wow, that is just crazy!
I would try and schedule coffee or something your bm to try and dig a little deeper. While her actions are rather over the top and not at all supportive, perhaps she was just overwhelmed and stressed about making everything just right and felt that everyone's follow-up was somehow a judgement against her ability to plan the event.
While I understand the need to support your Mom, you also don't want to write of a friendship if there were underlying issues that caused her to act inappropriately.
If you don't feel the explanation is reasonable or really believe that her actions were entirely inappropriate then it is possible to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid. This would probably be a last resort but it is important that you are comfortable with the people standing up with you and that you and your family have a wonderful time the day of the wedding.
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Hi Hive! I'm in a bit of sticky situation right now, and I would love your advice/thoughts. One of my bridesmaids took control of throwing my bridal shower. Some of my other BMs wrote her/texted her/called her interested in helping out, but she didn't respond to any of them. We talked about it, I sent her a guest list, and she said she was going to be calling the girls back soon and my mom to discuss the shower. (She said she wanted help paying for everything.) I thought all was well. So weeks pass, and I assume she's getting things together. Then, last week my mom calls me and says, "Um, hon, I haven't received a shower invitation yet. Isn't your shower on May 1st?" My mom tells me my BM hasn't contacted her at all about the shower. I still thought there was time to get the invites out (though I thought it was teensy bit late considering all the OOT guests we have ...), but I was worried that my BM hadn't contacted anyone else about the shower. My mom gave her a call, and that seemed to get the ball rolling. She told my mom all the plans she had, that she had been meaning to call her, and, most importantly, that she would be sending out invitations the next day (last Saturday). ... Long story short, she didn't. My mom called her, texted her, e-mailed her Tuesday trying to figure out what was going on and if she needed help. My BM never returned my mom's call. My mom went to her work to see if she was there. She was, and she assured my mom the invitations would go out in the morning. My mom asked her to call and let her know if they went out or if she needed help b/c my mom wanted to make sure they got out. Anyway, the BM never called my mom. My mom calls me all upset because she has been calling and texting again and not getting any response. She decided to go to her apt. and just get the invitations so we could send them out ourselves. The BM wasn't there. So then I called her, and left her a message saying I wasn't sure what was going on, but that my mom was really upset and I didn't know why she wasn't communicating with her.
The BM called me back in like 20 minutes and yelled at me about what nerve my mom had coming to her work and embarrassing her in front of her coworkers and customers and how dare she come down to her apartment and she is way out of line and blah blah blah. And the whole time I just kept asking her why she never called/texted/e-mailed my mom back, and all she could tell me was that she didn't have time ... (Not likely since I saw her doing stuff on Facebook Tuesday and Wednesday.) Anyway, I told her that obviously my mom is an adult and she is an adult and I think they should work it out. She was mad that I wasn't going to talk to my mom about it and asked me if I was OK with my mom treating her this way and said if I was maybe she couldn't be a part of any of this ... Anyway, I ended up in tears, and she agreed to talk to my mom about it.
The shower is in two weeks. My mom is really upset with her. My BM is really upset with my mom. I am super upset with how my BM treated my mom. First, show some respect for your elders, right? And then, even if she thought my mom was out of line (I disagree), it's her daughter's wedding. I can understand her being a little Type A about it.
So now I don't know what to do. I am still very upset that the BM treated my mom so badly. All I can think about is how if I keep her in the wedding, she is going to be in all my wedding pictures, and for the rest of my life I will look at them and think of how mean she was to my mom. My mom is also my best friend by the way, so it's really bothering me. Not to mention the other BMs don't like her for hijaking the bridal shower. What do I do? Can I ask her not to be in the wedding? Should I? How should I approach it? Thanks Hive!