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OK, I am going to briefly summarize the situation, and I am looking for honest advice and feedback.
Bridesmaid was asked in Fall 2009 if she would be a part of April 2011 wedding. Lives in TX, wedding in PA. Obviously, I haven't expected her to travel for anything but was hoping she'd attend the shower. She did buy her dress and shoes but when the MOH asked her to contribute $300 towards the shower/group gift, she said she couldn't really contribute and never got back to her or ever contacted her with ideas for the shower. Hasn't offered to help or do anything. I've known her for over 10 years. MOH asked her again what she was going to contribute, and she said $75. I personally feel this is a complete slap in the face to our friendship and the rest of the girls in the wedding. I purposely found inexpensive dresses for the girls and let them make a group decision on the shoes. I'm paying for them to get manis and pedis, and she can't even contribute $300 for a shower she's not even going to be at or help with. So basically she is going to show up for the wedding - wow, geez thanks. She could have come to me months ago to say she couldn't be in the wedding or discussed what she could contribute to the MOH months ago. She's going overseas, which is why I think she can't come to the shower. Must be nice to have the money to travel all year long and take off work whenever. Not only have I been a good friend to her but my family always took her on vacations and treated her well and some of the other bridesmaids are in very difficult situations and they are managing to contribute the $300 or close to that and have been heavily involved.
I'm a realist - I get weddings are expensive but as someone who isn't a princess or snob when it comes to weddings, one would think that if you aren't buying the plane ticket for the shower you could contribute! And I'm just hurt by the complete lack of involvement on her part with the shower, and I of course have pretended I know nothing. She never said to my face she wasn't coming, she just told the MOH that. I traveled to visit her when I was in college, send a birthday card every year take her to dinner when she's home. I put in 100% when it comes to the friendship and now I'm realizing maybe she never really was the friend I thought she was....
I know some are going to disagree with me here and that's OK - I'm looking for honest advice on how to handle this? Do nothing? Tell her how I feel? Have the MOH and girls just suck it up and keep their mouths shut until after the wedding?
Thanks ladies - I really appreciate the insight.
Honestyly? I wouldn't expect anybody to contribute anything towards my shower. $300 is a lot to ask! Especially in this economy.
She paid for her dress and shoes and will be there to stand up for you on your wedding day. Beyond that, I'm not sure she's really "obligated" to do or contribute much more. And if there were more expectations of her, you should have made them clear before she accepted.
I am sorry that you are going through this. That being said, I don't think she has done anything wrong. The cost were likely not mentioned when you asked her to be your bridesmaid. And her money is kind of her business. If she says she cannot afford it, then she can't. $300 bucks is a ton of money to ask for for a shower. She has many other things to pay for associated with your wedding. I think making any contribution (especially when she is not attending) is sufficient. Especially when that contribution is almost 100 bucks.
Last word of advice: Stay out of any shower drama. It really isn't your place. Have fun as the bride.
Who paid for your showers? Just curious what others did. I haven't been apart of the planning for this at all. Left it all to the MOH. It is a surprise.
I agree with the others. Maybe it's expensive where you live, but I threw a shower for a friend and the total cost was well under $300. How many bridesmaids do you have if they are each contributing $300?
I see the flip side of it as well. If I were unable to attend your shower, I would be a little miffed that I was still expected to shell out $300 for it.
Let it go!
$300 is a lot to contribute to a shower she is not attending and didn't have a say in the plans.
I have no idea who paid what for my shower I just showed up but I can promise you the entire party cost less than $300.
I haven't had mine. When I was MOH, I ended up paying for most of it. 1) because I make a lot more than the other bmaids, and 2) I wanted to make sure my bestie had a beautiful shower.
I also planned it for a lot less than 300 bucks a bmaid (5 of us total though a lot more than 300 from me alone). Maybe your girls should just turn up the creativity juices to bring budget more down to earth. But again, I don't know how many girls you are having.
@zip773: My shower will be paid for jointly by friends of my mom. They offered. FI's mom also wants to throw me one.
I'm not even going to ask my BMs to come because both would require travel and I don't want them to think I'm asking them for gifts.
I've also told my BMs that I will pay my part of the bachelorette (although I'm not sure they will let me).
They are paying for their transportation to the wedding, dresses, and shoes as well as lodging for the wedding although some of that will be partially subsidized.
I will be paying for their hair and makeup for the wedding.
$300pp for a shower! i make $100K+ a year and even i would choke at $300 for a bridal shower, especially as she has already purchased the dress and shoes and is travelling to the wedding and shes not even going to be there to attend the shower
Must be nice to have the money to travel all year long and take off work whenever
SHE works to earn her own money, SHE pays for her things so she can choose what she wants to do with her money and doesnt need your permission - maybe this is why $300 for the shower is a big ask as she is saving for a dream holiday
@milesbella:There are 6 girls. This is actually on par with many of the showers I've attended, but I can understand all your viewpoints as well. I guess what stings the most for me is the complete lack of involvement? Effort? I wouldn't think much of this if she was doing a lot to help - you can help without contributing financially.
I'd be more angry at your MOH for involving you in the drama. Will they not have your shower if they don't get that amount from her? Of course not, so they may have to cut back somewhere to be able to afford it without her money. If she can only contribute $75., then that's all she can do.
I'm sorry that this is hurtful to you. But honestly, I think the entire role of a bridesmaid is to wear the dress and show up at your wedding (and rehearsal, if you have one). Anything beyond that is just a bonus. So I think you should be happy that she's coming to your wedding, that she's supporting you in your marriage, and forget about any other expectations you have of her. And I don't know if you've communicated this to her, but if I were a BM and flying halfway across the country to be in a wedding, if the bride said something like "So basically she is going to show up for the wedding - wow, geez thanks," I would be really ticked.
Now, if this is a constant pattern of her taking and never giving back, maybe that's something to consider in evaluating whether the friendship is worth it. But that shouldn't be solely about the wedding and what you think she should be paying.
And seriously, $300??? What kind of shower/group gift is this??
@eloping: Actually mom and dad have paid her way most of her life, but I get your point, too.
@zip773: An $1,800 shower?!? What kind of shower is it?
Are you having a bachelorette too?
She's your bridesmaid, not your slave. It is a position of honor and support, but that means emotional support not financial support.
I know some of my bridesmaids will be really involved, and some won't. I chose them because they are my closest friends, not because they have the deepest pockets.
I would also be upset if she didn't contribute, but 300$ is a lot of money. Thats probably the total of what mine is going to be and I feel bad about it and have been telling them for months that if they just want to do desserts and tea or something to make it cheaper, please do. If it was less money, then yes, be upset. But $300pp is a crazy amount of money for a shower.
None of my BMs came to my shower that Mr. HW's aunts put on for me. I've never been asked to contribute to putting on a shower as a BM. And for the Bach party, I would only contribute if I were attending. It sucks that your friend isn't able to participate in these activities, but $300 is a lot of money in general. Try not to compare with her traveling. It's her money and her business. It sounds like you need to communicate with her and see how she's feeling and all. There may just be different expectations on both sides that need to be understood.
@eloping: Agreed. That is a nice rehersal dinner/small wedding budget. Not a shower.
@heather25: Haha, that's almost twice what our rehearsal dinner is going to be!
$300 on top of the dress and shoes? You say you have other bridesmaids in tight financial situations-Why don’t you tone down the shower???
I'm curious how you know what each of your bridesmaids is contributing? I've tried to stay *way* out of the financial weeds with the girls, I let them chose their own J. Crew dresses after I specified fabric and material, so if anyone wanted to buy one on sale, they could be discreet about it, and to avoid any discomfort I gave each one a $50 J. Crew gift card so they would be at least helped. Is it usual to know what each bridesmaids financial outlay is?
I'm not having bridesmaids or a shower, but I've thrown showers before. And holy god, they did not cost $1800!!! I helped throw a really nice baby shower for a friend, and the total cost for food, wine, and decor was under $200.
I understand being hurt at her lack of effort, but I wouldn't DREAM of asking someone to spend that much money on a shower for me.
I agree. When I saw that she was asked to contribute $300, I was very surprised. That is a lot of money! I know you said your MOH is planning all of this. Pretend it was you, and you had to fly in for a weekend, find a place to stay, pay for food, and then, on top of the other BM costs, and then drop $300 on a shower?
I have helped to plan two showers. With one, there were four of us chipping in, and I believe I spent about $50, plus a fairly inexpensive gift. With the other, I sent out the invites, split hotel costs with some of the BMs(the shower was out of town), and brought a gift, so it was still under $100.
I was also in a wedding last May and was unable to attend the shower in April. It was held 4 hours away and was the same weekend of my grandma's 89th birthday. The bride completely understood and did not want me chipping in for the shower costs since I wasn't going to be there. She also understood that I travel a lot to visit my FI.
I can understand that you are frustrated. I would have been too, if the girl wasn't getting back to you. It sounds like you have done your part to try to keep costs down. I would talk about expectations with everyone. Now, I don't know much about how your MOH is going about planning things, but she may want to e-mail or call all the other girls, ask how much they can spend or what they can do, and start planning like that
Sorry, but she's in the right here. She's bought the dress and the shoes; she's fulfilled her financial end of the deal.
Nobody has to throw you a shower. The fact that the other bridesmaids are putting up so much money to throw you one is exceedingly generous of them, but definitely not required. I understand where your other bridesmaid is coming from; I wouldn't want to spend $300 on a shower I can't go to either.
I'm not having a shower at all. My girls are throwing me a bachelorette but are keeping me in the dark as far as the details, and you know what? I would be just as thrilled and appreciative if they surprised me at my own apartment with a dollar store tiara, toilet paper streamers and chips and dip as I would be if they took me out for a totally extravagant night on the town.
Don't say anything unless you want to lose a friend.
I wouldn't do anything. I don't think it's worth putting a strain on your friendship.
She probably isn't involved in the shower b/c she lives in a different state. It is hard to plan a shower in another state. Plus, I think traditionally, the MOH is supposed to take the lead in the plans. She probably doesn't want to step on her toes. Also, asking for $300 as a contribution to a bridal shower is crazy! If someone asked me to do that I would think they were trying to cheat me or something.
Well...it depends on where it is and how many are invited as to how much it can cost, in all fairness. My daughters' showers were pretty small but were held in restaurants and we also served signature drinks. Each cost around $1200. and that didn't include gifts. With only 2 attendents each I would never have let them cover that cost, so in one case I paid all of it, and in the other I split it with the MOG and the MOH & BM (who were our daughters).
Group gifts can also be costly, so that I understand too. What I don't understand is the snide remarks about someone who's been a friend for over 10 years.
I don't know exactly how much my shower cost, but I think it was somewhere around $200-300. I think what you're working with is a mixture of expectations and communciations problems. If your BM knew that she would be required to shell out a lot of money for your bridal shower, she may have given you a different answer when you asked her to be a BM. 1) Leave this up to your MOH and 2) give your BM the benefit of the doubt. She's your friend and wouldn't intentionally harm you.
I agree with everyone else... you shouldn't do anything excpet tell your MOH to leave you out of it. If your MOH really needs advice, I would suggest to her to offer other ways this BM can contribute and if she doesn't want to, so be it. No harm done. Her contribution is not correleated to how much she values your friendship.
Actually mom and dad have paid her way most of her life, but I get your point, too.
Please don't judge your bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid alone is a very expensive task, even more so if you are out of town, and that's not even considering the costs of a shower she isn't even attending. $75 is a very generous offer, and just remember, you never really know someone's financial situation.
I'm with nearly everyone else; $300 is way, way too much to expect a bridesmaid to contribute to a shower.
She bought the dress. She's taking the time and spending the money to travel across the country to stand up with you on your wedding day. Give her a break and let this go.
On another note, I actually feel bad for your bridesmaid because think how she feels for not being able to contribute that much money. Hopefully the MOH isn't being rude to her about it. Imagine how uneasy you'd feel flying across the US to be in a wedding where all the other bridesmaids and MOH were holding a grudge against you because you didn't want to/couldn't front up money for the shower.
OMG! Sorry,but honestly that is alot of $$$ for a bridal shower! What is your MOH planning that she needs that kind of $$$ for your shower?!
Two of BM are very active and available to me and two are not due to various schedules. We keep in touch with texts, emails, phone calls,etc...
I still want them in my wedding and value their love and support now as well as in the past. I also look forward to them being there for me and me for them in the future.
I think you need to think about your friendship with this BM and what it means to you. Real friendship means more to me than $$$.
i'm trying to imagine what the bachelorette this MOH is going to plan will be like! you better come back and give us deets haha.
I am sorry for you and how hurt you must feel that she is not living up to your expectations, but as other people said, $300 is A LOT of money. She might have planned that trip abroad for a long time (maybe even before your shower was scheduled) and saved up for it/paid for it a while ago. She already paid for her dress and shoes, she will have to pay to travel and stay at your wedding and traveling on weekends is usually pretty expensive. Didn't you chose her because of your friendship? She will be here on your big day, and I think that's all you can really ask from a bridesmaid in the end. As MelanieAnne said, everything else is just a bonus.
Beside, no offense, but I would rather spend $300 on a beautiful trip, probably with a great frien or SO, than on a bridal shower I will not be able to attend.
Yup, agree with the PPs. Her job as a BM is to buy the dress and show up. $300 for a shower is outragous...even if someone can afford it, that doesn't mean someone else can determine how their money is spent.
If she can do more, great, if not, that is okay too. That is the mantra I'm using with my bridesmaids.
I didn't finish reading your OP. I got to the "slap in the face" part and read enough. $300 is alot of money to expect 1 person to pay towards a BRIDAL SHOWER! It doesn't matter if "mommy and daddy paid her way her whole life". That has absolutely nothing to do with your wedding. Give it a rest and leave the girl alone. Contributing $75 would be more than enough for a NORMAL bridal shower.
I agree with the OP.... probably because I'm dealing with a similar situation. Except, the BM who refuses to participate lives right down the street. Not sure if that's worse or not.
The truth is, she agreed to be in your wedding. Anyone who accepts at that time also accept the financial responsibility that comes with it. If she couldn't afford it, she should've declined. What I've learned in the past few days, is that people always have money for the things they want to have money for.
For God's sakes, my BM is married to FI's brother. It's not like she's far removed from the family. She's in 3 weddings this year including ours... can't help with her own family's shower but she can rent a hotel room for 3 nights out of state for the other wedding... Her husband is FI's brother, also the Best Man. And he's not helping with anything concerning the Bachelor party either. FI's dad is. It's the type of people they are... if something is not all about them, they couldn't care less. I'm not saying that your friend is like that, but just that I think there's a certain expectation when it comes to being in a wedding, and it upsets me when people don't live up to it. If your friend couldn't contribute $-wise, I'm sure there's other ways that she could help. But it seems like she, as well as my BM, won't do that, either.
It all comes down to what they want to do. Our shower is also costing around the 1500-2000 range. It is now all up to my sisters (one of who has bills coming out of her ears, and one who is a stay at home mom) and my mom, who is also paying for a nearly $50K wedding. It's not like they have the money laying around either, it's just that they will come up with it for such an important event.
My advice to you, which I am doing, is to let it go. Believe me, I'm fuming, but with 4 months to go until our wedding, I can't make this a world war. But you better believe that once our wedding is over, a serious talk is going to go down. Good luck to you, and just try to let it go for now, and enjoy your shower when it gets here.
Honestly I think you are being a little selfish. I too am planning a DW and have actually felt bad about even asking my party to pay all the expenses that come with the responsibility of being in a DW let alone all the extras. All of my party has done every and anything I asked them to. I feel like you should appreciate whatever they do for you. That $300 is only gonna last so long. Is it really worth it to throw away a friendship over money??
I don't mean for any of this to sound too harsh, but I want to be honest. A donation of $300 would not make up for any lack of emotional support from your Texas bridesmaid. I also don't believe she should be punished and forced to pay that much for a shower she cannot attend at no fault of her own. Her duty as a bridesmaid isn't to finance an extravagant party just because your parents took her on vacations. When she agreed to be a bridesmaid, she didn't know about this rather expensive contribution she'd be expected to make for your shower. Keep in mind she will have spent money on her dress, shoes, wedding gift... Plus she'll most likely have to take time off from work to travel to be in your wedding. She's 2,000 miles away and it's not really her fault she can't be there for you while you're in wedding planning mode, but you knew that would be the case when you asked her to be your bridesmaid and she lives in Texas. Bridesmaids are there for emotional support. Perhaps she hasn't reached out to you because she feels guilty she's been unable to help you through the wedding process.
I don't think you should make a big deal out of this, especially the $300 part. It's just money. It's just a party. If you want to smooth over the friendship, that's a different issue. Make plans to call her one night, sit down with a cup of tea, and just chat with her. You may find out she's going through some things of her own.
Best of luck!
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