Post # 1
OK, I am going to briefly summarize the situation, and I am looking for honest advice and feedback.
Bridesmaid was asked in Fall 2009 if she would be a part of April 2011 wedding. Lives in TX, wedding in PA. Obviously, I haven’t expected her to travel for anything but was hoping she’d attend the shower. She did buy her dress and shoes but when the Maid/Matron of Honor asked her to contribute $300 towards the shower/group gift, she said she couldn’t really contribute and never got back to her or ever contacted her with ideas for the shower. Hasn’t offered to help or do anything. I’ve known her for over 10 years. Maid/Matron of Honor asked her again what she was going to contribute, and she said $75. I personally feel this is a complete slap in the face to our friendship and the rest of the girls in the wedding. I purposely found inexpensive dresses for the girls and let them make a group decision on the shoes. I’m paying for them to get manis and pedis, and she can’t even contribute $300 for a shower she’s not even going to be at or help with. So basically she is going to show up for the wedding – wow, geez thanks. She could have come to me months ago to say she couldn’t be in the wedding or discussed what she could contribute to the Maid/Matron of Honor months ago. She’s going overseas, which is why I think she can’t come to the shower. Must be nice to have the money to travel all year long and take off work whenever. Not only have I been a good friend to her but my family always took her on vacations and treated her well and some of the other bridesmaids are in very difficult situations and they are managing to contribute the $300 or close to that and have been heavily involved.
I’m a realist – I get weddings are expensive but as someone who isn’t a princess or snob when it comes to weddings, one would think that if you aren’t buying the plane ticket for the shower you could contribute! And I’m just hurt by the complete lack of involvement on her part with the shower, and I of course have pretended I know nothing. She never said to my face she wasn’t coming, she just told the Maid/Matron of Honor that. I traveled to visit her when I was in college, send a birthday card every year take her to dinner when she’s home. I put in 100% when it comes to the friendship and now I’m realizing maybe she never really was the friend I thought she was….
I know some are going to disagree with me here and that’s OK – I’m looking for honest advice on how to handle this? Do nothing? Tell her how I feel? Have the Maid/Matron of Honor and girls just suck it up and keep their mouths shut until after the wedding?
Thanks ladies – I really appreciate the insight.
Post # 3
Honestyly? I wouldn’t expect anybody to contribute anything towards my shower. $300 is a lot to ask! Especially in this economy.
She paid for her dress and shoes and will be there to stand up for you on your wedding day. Beyond that, I’m not sure she’s really "obligated" to do or contribute much more. And if there were more expectations of her, you should have made them clear before she accepted.
Post # 4
I am sorry that you are going through this. That being said, I don’t think she has done anything wrong. The cost were likely not mentioned when you asked her to be your bridesmaid. And her money is kind of her business. If she says she cannot afford it, then she can’t. $300 bucks is a ton of money to ask for for a shower. She has many other things to pay for associated with your wedding. I think making any contribution (especially when she is not attending) is sufficient. Especially when that contribution is almost 100 bucks.
Last word of advice: Stay out of any shower drama. It really isn’t your place. Have fun as the bride.
Post # 6
Who paid for your showers? Just curious what others did. I haven’t been apart of the planning for this at all. Left it all to the Maid/Matron of Honor. It is a surprise.
Post # 7
I agree with the others. Maybe it’s expensive where you live, but I threw a shower for a friend and the total cost was well under $300. How many bridesmaids do you have if they are each contributing $300?
I see the flip side of it as well. If I were unable to attend your shower, I would be a little miffed that I was still expected to shell out $300 for it.
Post # 8
Let it go!
$300 is a lot to contribute to a shower she is not attending and didn’t have a say in the plans.
I have no idea who paid what for my shower I just showed up but I can promise you the entire party cost less than $300.
Post # 9
I haven’t had mine. When I was Maid/Matron of Honor, I ended up paying for most of it. 1) because I make a lot more than the other bmaids, and 2) I wanted to make sure my bestie had a beautiful shower.
I also planned it for a lot less than 300 bucks a bmaid (5 of us total though a lot more than 300 from me alone). Maybe your girls should just turn up the creativity juices to bring budget more down to earth. But again, I don’t know how many girls you are having.
Post # 10
@zip773: My shower will be paid for jointly by friends of my mom. They offered. FI’s mom also wants to throw me one.
I’m not even going to ask my BMs to come because both would require travel and I don’t want them to think I’m asking them for gifts.
I’ve also told my BMs that I will pay my part of the bachelorette (although I’m not sure they will let me).
They are paying for their transportation to the wedding, dresses, and shoes as well as lodging for the wedding although some of that will be partially subsidized.
I will be paying for their hair and makeup for the wedding.
Post # 11
$300pp for a shower! i make $100K+ a year and even i would choke at $300 for a bridal shower, especially as she has already purchased the dress and shoes and is travelling to the wedding and shes not even going to be there to attend the shower
Must be nice to have the money to travel all year long and take off work whenever
SHE works to earn her own money, SHE pays for her things so she can choose what she wants to do with her money and doesnt need your permission – maybe this is why $300 for the shower is a big ask as she is saving for a dream holiday
Post # 12
@milesbella:There are 6 girls. This is actually on par with many of the showers I’ve attended, but I can understand all your viewpoints as well. I guess what stings the most for me is the complete lack of involvement? Effort? I wouldn’t think much of this if she was doing a lot to help – you can help without contributing financially.
Post # 13
I’d be more angry at your Maid/Matron of Honor for involving you in the drama. Will they not have your shower if they don’t get that amount from her? Of course not, so they may have to cut back somewhere to be able to afford it without her money. If she can only contribute $75., then that’s all she can do.
Post # 14
I’m sorry that this is hurtful to you. But honestly, I think the entire role of a bridesmaid is to wear the dress and show up at your wedding (and rehearsal, if you have one). Anything beyond that is just a bonus. So I think you should be happy that she’s coming to your wedding, that she’s supporting you in your marriage, and forget about any other expectations you have of her. And I don’t know if you’ve communicated this to her, but if I were a Bridesmaid or Best Man and flying halfway across the country to be in a wedding, if the bride said something like “So basically she is going to show up for the wedding – wow, geez thanks,” I would be really ticked.
Now, if this is a constant pattern of her taking and never giving back, maybe that’s something to consider in evaluating whether the friendship is worth it. But that shouldn’t be solely about the wedding and what you think she should be paying.
And seriously, $300??? What kind of shower/group gift is this??
Post # 15
6 girls at $300 per person = an $1800 bridal shower???
Post # 16
@eloping: Actually mom and dad have paid her way most of her life, but I get your point, too.