Post # 1
I just asked my best friend to be my bridesmaid 2 and a half weeks ago and she’s has already started to offend me. I hope I didn’t sound like a bridezilla. She asked me what I had planned for the type of dress. I said that I wanted a solid color dress with a shape that was flattering for all body types AND knee length. She turned up her nose and said, well there are dresses you can order with different shapes WITH the same colors. We have looked at dresses together for almost 4 months now. She is planning to get married too. She told me that is what she is looking for HER wedding. My thing is that I am trying to be flexible but staying true to my taste on what I think MY wedding so be like. I politely told her, "Well, I want it as traditional as possible, and for me that is all the bridemaid’s dresses to be the same. I am picking a universal dress that looks great on everyone. Plus all the groomsmen are going to look the same and I would feel that it would be kinda lop-sided if all the bridesmaids didn’t have the same dress" In my family, it is more traditional to have all the bridesmaid and groomsmen to have the same everything, even down to the shoes. She interrupted me and asked, "What kind of neckline are you looking for. I said, "MAYBE a scoopneck, spagetti strap. . .not too low cut in the front. . .a neckline that will look nice on anyone because my sister is a b cup alomst c, my other bridemaid is an A or small B cup". My friend is like a DD almost DDD. She said, "Well a sweetheart line best suits me" She showed my with her finger and alomst all of a woman’s cleavage and half of the breasts would show. A dress like that would make my MOH and my other bridesmaid uncomfortable AND me & soon-to-be hubby as well. I know she want to wear a strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline for her wedding, BUT that’s for HER wedding. I said, "I don’t want a neckline that is too low and it needs to have straps, I have an example of a neck line I like in my closet if you would like to see it, of course the dress won’t be as tight and it won’t be as short as the dress i have" She just looked at me and kinda rolled her eyes and stuck up her nose and tried to push the different shaped but same color dresses thing.
I know that type would be too expensive for her let alone my maid of honor. She hasn’t even asked me whose is paying for the bridesmaid dresses or what my budget is. I just took a deep breath and went to another room. My sister wore a very similar neckline (though more boxie that rounded) for a wedding not too long ago and SHE did not like it. My big sister is the maid of honor and my role model. Even though my MOH and my other bridesmaid said they will be happy with whatever I chose, I am trying to pick a dress that would make them feel a little sexy and classy. I have am a C almost D cup size and I know a sweetheart neckline that low on me is too sexy for a sacred cermony for me. I feel really hurt because she knows how I feel about certain necklines at a sacred ceremony of any kind. Should I ask my bridesmaid to not be in the wedding anymore if she continues to turn up her nose at everything. . .She knows this is the same reason why i did not ask my younger sister to be a bridesmaid-I don’t like the whole idea of her just starting to stick up her nose at my ideas when before I asked talked to her about the wedding she was happy and fine with everything. What should I do? I don’t think she has to agree with me on everything, but when she said it’s my wedding and she said she will to whatever it takes to make it a happy experience planning it before I asked her, why is she starting to do the opposite. Should I have put my foot down more?
Post # 3
So sorry. It is your wedding. I completely understand wanting to have the girls in the same dress. And then yes, you’d want to get something they’d feel comfortable in. It sounds like you’ve tried to gently tell your friend her ideas aren’t going to work. I would try being direct about not wanting immodest dresses for (I’m assuming) church ceremony. And also, that some girls won’t feel comfortable in them. Granted she might not feel comfortable in it. But a dress not being revealing enough for her is different than someone else feeling self conscious in a dress too revealing. (IMO). If she isn’t responding to you laying down the law, maybe then discuss discuss how she is coming across. Sometimes people don’t really know. If she is a close friend, (you said best friend), maybe she feels like she can get away with really speaking her mind. (Soontobe loves me. She’s my BFF. She won’t think I’m a bad person if I’m honest about ALL these things.)
I wouldn’t go the whole "kicking her out" road, unless you’ve exhausted everything else. That kind of thing can ruin friendships. And one day your wedding will have come and gone. Think first about how much her friendship means to you.
Post # 4
Perhaps her wedding is making her a little more opinionated than usual. She should be reminded that although her opinion counts, it’s ultimately your decision and choice as to what your bms will wear. Afterall, is is your wedding and not hers.
Like ppl have mentioned on other threads, weddings bring out the best and worst in people sometimes. I feel like when you agree to be a BM, you agree to be supportive and compromise in times like this. It looks like your friend is being a bm-zilla. Talk to her, be straight up and hopefully….she’ll realize how she is being.
Post # 5
I agree with pinkparfait–let her know that you appreciate her opinion but it’s YOUR wedding. She calls the shots for her wedding and you call the shots for yours. It can be a bit disappointing to have her turn her nose up at things, so try and talk to her about it. Let her know that it bothers you. Sometimes being a bridesmaid is all about biting your tongue and supporting your friend, no matter how much you like or don’t like the dress.
All the best!
Post # 6
Just talk to her about it. Yes, it might be a wee bit of conflict, a tiny bit of drama, but this is one of those situations that snowball, and you could end up with much bigger issues.
Perhaps try saying, "I’m so excited that both of us get to plan our weddings at the same time. I love hearing the ideas you have because it makes me think about what I want for my own wedding. But you know, we’re different people, and I can’t wait to see what ideas you are going to have that are totally different from what I might do. I’m sure you feel the same way! So, can we agree to try to not tell each other what the other "should" do because it’s what "we" would do if we were in the other’s place? I want my wedding to look like me, and your wedding to look like you–even down to the bridesmaid dresses."
I think she should understand. From personal experience, I was in a wedding of a best friend last year. I was not engaged yet, but another of our friends was. The dress the bride picked out was NOTHING like what I would choose, or our other friend–but the bride loved it! I bought it and wore it without complaint, saying things like "this is just what I always imagined wearing in your wedding!" (which was true). But my friend who was engaged during that time had only criticism for the bride–color wasn’t right, fit didn’t work for her, "wasn’t what she would choose," etc. I think that those girls who are already engaged find it hard to draw the line between their wedding and the wedding they’ve been chosen to be in. Sometimes they just need a small reminder to be supportive.
We all get so caught up in planning our own "big days" that we forget that sometimes we’re just the supporting role in other weddings. Just talk to her. I’m sure she’ll tone it down a bit.
Post # 7
Thank you so much for all your comments! I think I will have her step down. . .she keeps sending me links of dresses for ME and it’s just too overwhelming. I haven’t been able to talk to her because, believe or not. . .she, her boyfriend, and another friend of hers stayed at my apartment a couple of weekends:( and her boyfriend made a pass at me while she was asleep and went through my cabinets, fridge, and went to nose around my room. . .she’d never believe me if I told her. Her friend was very rude and drunk, and would not stop messing with my fiancee’s computer. They both nosed around in my things and practically ruined one of my brand new hats. When I didn’t want to go with them anywhere after my friend woke up. What broke the camels back, I had to go visit my fiancee’s sick grandmother (she just passed away last saturday), and they has a hissy fit and refuses to speak to me and I DROVE them home instead of kicking them out and telling them to find their own way home. The hissy fit and SILENT TREATMENT was because they wanted to go all these places and practically planned my whole day-when I clealy told them all they I wasn’t sure if my fiancee had anything planned (we share a car) and I needed to wait until I talked to him first. They live an hour away from me. I feel used, mistreated, and disrespected and my fiancee is livid because I do so much for her and she doesn’t appreciate it. Unfortuantely he wasn’t present when all of this bullspit went down or he would have kicking them out himself. What hurts me the most is that my friend acted like her friend and her boyfriend did nothing wrong AND that her acting the way she did, even the stuff that happened while she was awake. I am very thankful for all the comments that were given. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA MY friend is alot younger than me and so is her friend. Her boyfriend is younger than me as well, at least that’s how he acts. Do you think all this is enough to have her step down?
Post # 8
She is still sending me pictures of bridesmaids dresses. *grrrrr* and they are all LOW CUT. My fiancee and I want a modest wedding, not a playboy bunny wedding! My fiancee can’t even pick out a date and doesn’t really act like he wanted to marry me anymore. I told her that and also all the looking for stuff for the wedding is really hurting me and looking for stuff for HER wedding will be better. I am hoping she will die down that whole, LOOK AT MY BOOBS bridesmaids dresses. I also think the friendship is growing apart and I think I will tell her in person. I am still thinking about asking her to stand down.
Post # 9
GREAT NEWS! I did not ask her to stand down. Her pushing me had died down to almost zero because she and the man she was going to marry broke up, but it was mutual.
She did comment on the colors I wanted a couple of times. . .like if I pick chocolate brown would not work for her because her hair is that color, etc. etc. But I told her I would NEVER pick out a bad dress for her and I want all my bridesmaids to be beautiful.
I also told her that my maid of honor GETS the last say on the dress color, so she backed off on that. I have alot of confidence in my maid of honor because she knows ME better than I do <3
Post # 10
Glad to hear things are working out. Is everything with you and your fiance still okay? You mentioned being concerned in your last post, unless I read it wrong. :-/
Post # 11
not really, but who I have picked out to be my bridesmaids will still be my bridesmaid whether I get married to him or if fate want me to marry someone else. I posted an update on another thread though about that. Thanks for asking though.