I’ll make this as short as possible and try to get the point across. I moved four hours away from my hometown 6 months ago to be with my fiance. We were engaged a couple months after I moved and we are getting married in two weeks. I am so lucky to have a wonderful MOH and 5 fantastic bridesmaids…except for one. I am aware that weddings are pricey, especially when you have to get a room for two nights and buy a dress and shoes etc so I’m trying to make it as affordable as possible. Originally there were 3 little girls (2 2 year olds and 1 4 year old) in the wedding as flower girls because they are all daughters of my bridesmaids. I had the flower girl dresses designed and I paid for them myself because I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to buy two dresses for my event.
i tried to get a vacation house for my out of town girls and families to stay in but I couldn’t find one so I found a very affordable hotel block and I’m paying for a shuttle to and from the hotel and venue. Some of my girls are low on cash so I talked to my future mother in law and we are getting a couple extra travel trailers for out of towners to stay in for free. I know it’s not everyones ideal space but I can’t afford to get everyone a hotel room and the trailers are actually spacious and very nice and will be on my in-laws property close to the venue.
The majority of my bridesmaids are fine with this but one girl, Sarah, whos daughter is a flower girl didn’t respond to my message when we were chatting when I explained to her that she could get a hotel room or stay in the trailer. Two days later I kept messaging her and she finally said the trailer would be fine. Fast forward two weeks to my first hometown bridal shower (last Sunday) for which my bridesmaids got together and planned so everyone could attend. Sarah texts me half an hour before it starts and tells me that she has to work but she has a gift for me. My other bridesmaids were upset because if they knew she wouldn’t come they would have had it on a totally different day that would have been easier for everyone. Sarah didn’t pitch in to help at all and I was hurt that she had been ignoring me.
That night I called her and she said “i have to feed my daughter and take care of my family, a true friend would understand that I have to work because my parents don’t give me large amounts of money for my wedding.” Keep in mind that her wedding was on the beach, her room block was waaayyy expensive and when her entire bridal party bailed on her I threw the bridal shower/bachelorette party by myself and soon after I threw her baby shower. i was broke but I pulled it together for her and I’m hurt that she didn’t care enough to tell me she had to work. And yes my dad gave me some money for the wedding but I work a regular job and have taken care of myself my entire adult life so i have no idea where this is coming from.
She makes me feel like a horrible person but I’m really doing everything I can to make it easy for my girls and we fought over text messages for two days. She was so upset that I didn’t understand why she couldn’t put in a little more effort and she said some pretty mean things. She asked me if she is still in the wedding but how can I ask her to attend if she’s worried about feeding her family? I’m so upset that she would use that as an excuse and at one point I told her that there seemed to be a bigger issue and I wish she would talk to me. It broke my heart to think she was stressed out financially or just in general but she called me a bad friend.
I’m so confused and I hate grudges, i think that if I just let it go things would be ok but I don’t think I want her in the wedding now. How do I handle this friend drama? Is there something I should have done differently??
I’m confused.. so is she in the wedding still or not? I wouldn’t have kicked her out over that, but you two definitely need to talk. You don’t like grudges, so don’t hold one. I think she was stressed and things were said that weren’t necessarily meant… but the only way to know for sure is to sit down and have a conversation about it, and decide where to go from there.
I don’t think you should kick her out of the wedding, this girl is out of town so how is she supposed to help out with things? Also she is a young fairly new family, children require constant care and are extremely expensive to support. I would never have made a mountain out of the molehill that was her not being able to attend the shower last minute. What type of job does she have? Is she required to be on call sometimes? Does she only get so many hours that if an offer of more hours comes up she needs to jump on it?
It’s great that you were able to step up when her BMs failed her, but she obviously just finished paying for a wedding, and had to go from paying for a wedding to supporting a child so shortly afterwards. That is a huge financial burden if they weren’t well off to begin with. Can you imagine having to start worrying about diapers, bottle, cribs, strollers, car seats, and a mountain of clothes and shoes for baby so shortly after paying for a wedding they most likely just managed to pay for? Babies require a crazy amount of clothes since they are always out growing them quickly.
I wouldn’t necessarily call you a bad friend, but it sounds like in the heat of the moment things were said that weren’t fully meant, and i think you need to be more understanding about your friends situations.
I don’t think it’s ok to ‘fire’ a BM, and I think it’s most likely a friendship ending move.
She got married 3 years ago and works an average of one day a week. I understand school is pretty demanding but she gets her schedule at least two weeks in advance. I understand that kids are quite a burden but I’m doing everything I can to make it easy for her and her family to go to my wedding because thats what she said she wanted. My other girls did so much and tried to include her but she was MIA. I can’t help but notice all the facebook posts of her and her hubby out partying all the time. How is that not understanding of her situation? I understand the commitment that children require and I’ve provided her childcare, a place to stay, shoes, a flowergirl dress and everything I can…is it fair for me to even ask her to be in the wedding anymore if she is having financial hardship? I asked her to talk to me because I had no idea this was happening and she just told me that a “true friend” would just understand and went on and on about how I was dissapointed that she didn’t show up. I let that go a while ago but it keeps coming up…am I really that bad? I don’t plan weddings everyday so I know I’m not great at it but I never though this would happen. I’m super stressed and on edge and I don’t want to ruin a friendship over nothing but I can’t just be the crazy one here, can I?
@Tydots: I think you need to talk to her in person, or by phone if you have to, but not by text. Find out if she still wants to be in the wedding, and if she feels like its too much for her to take on right now. Let her make the call, that way if she chooses to resign hopefully it won’t effect your friendship so much. It is totally understandable for you to be hurt, but don’t let it ruin your friendship.
i agree with other posters. you both said some things in the heat of the moment. even if you can’t see what kind of financial hardship she is in, just believe it when she says it. i think you’re probably just upset and hurt right now which is why you don’t want her in your wedding.
I think you are doing way more than what is expected when someone is a BM!
And I think that you also are just having a falling out with a good friend. We’ve all had those. Maybe that day, she was having a really bad day as it was, and felt guilty for not going to the shower, and was mad because she HAD to work and sort of took it out on you.
Just call her, and talk it over! You will feel much better
She’s out of line. If her family is such a huge financial burden on her then she never should have agreed to be a BM or to even attend an out of town wedding if it wasn’t in her budget. Her finances are her problem and she has no right to make you feel guilty about it. She works one day a week and it happened to fall on the day of your bridal shower? She should’ve known that ahead of time, canceling at the last minute is rude. Not saying you should necessarily kick her out, but I do think she’s being a crappy friend.
Maybe you should never have asked her to be a BM. That should be an honour, but she isnt even happy about it, which is really sad. If she still wants to be one maybe you could pay for her dress, but ask her what she wants to do now. I think it will be less stressful for you if you let her decide either way and then go with that.