Post # 1
I need your thoughts on this situation. My fiance was determined NOT to have a wedding party. He said that he didn’t see a purpose in them other than for show and cute pictures and that it was ridiculous to have them. I explained to him my reasonings behind wanting them and that I have 2 sisters who my mom really wants to be in my wedding, as well as 2 very close friends who have been our couple friends since we started dating. After months of battle, I finally got him to agree to 4.
Well…about a month ago my older sister had a meltdown after a date that ended in disaster and was in a “Whoa is me. I’m going to die alone. Your love makes me sick.” mood and said she didn’t want to be in my wedding anymore. That she hated me (we’ve never been close) and didn’t want to buy a dress. After a week of no talking, I called her and asked if she still didn’t want to be a bridesmaid. She said no she still didn’t want to. So, I told my fiance which to his argument about wedding parties said this was exactly the drama he was expecting and this was why he didn’t want a bridal party to begin with. I talked with my other sister and she said to just forget about my sister.
Well I didn’t want to have her do nothing because I thought that would start gossip as to why my sister isn’t in my wedding, so I gave her a job of passing out wedding programs. I said this way you’re in the wedding, but you don’t have to buy a bridesmaid dress. She said fine, but then my little sister said that that was a job you give to your retarded cousin who you really don’t like but have to give her something to do and was a demeaning job. I asked my sister and she said the same thing and even went as far as to say she’d put the programs in a basket and tell them to get it themselves.
I explained that either way she looks at it, I’m in a lose lose situation. I said by doing the programs she could do what she wanted which was just to sit down and do nothing. By passing out programs that’s only 20 minutes then you’re done. I did say I needed input on her dress though because we’d be taking pictures and I wanted her to wear something nice for that. She flipped out again and said she didn’t want any pictures…same argument (hate you, don’t even want to go to the wedding, etc.)
After long arguments I’m at a loss. My family hasn’t met my fiance’s family and I’m terrified that my family is going to cause some kind of drama at this wedding. My older sister (who I’m having all the issues with) is divorced and she is flat out selfish. I worry that she is going to do something at my wedding to cause drama and to purposely ruin my day. My mom has backed me in my statement that she is uninvited and then my sister went as far as to say if that was the case then she isn’t going to let my nephew be the ring bearer either.
What do I do? What do you think is the bug up her butt about my wedding?
Post # 3
First mistake: asking older sister to hand out programs. She doesn’t want to. Fine, she doesn’t have to. If people ask why she’s not a BM, simply tell the truth: she didn’t want to.
Second mistake: micromanaging by asking what she’ll wear. Who cares what she’s wearing? She’s an adult and can dress herself.
EDIT: Oh, you uninvited her? That was a big overreaction, mistake #3.
Call her back, say she’s invited as a guest. And then let her pick her own outfit and let her be.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
@paula1248: Agree, on all points.
Not sure if the “retarded” comment was a quote or OP’s words but IMO is a derogatory term.
Post # 5
I think what will solve your problems is not having older sister play any part in the wedding.She seems to be causing all of the drama. You cannot force her to be a part of the wedding as she seems intent on punishing you for something that has nothing to do with you. I think her behavior is selfish. However it would be worst to have her as reluctant bridesmaid stirring up drama and being un-supportive the whole time.
Post # 6
I read a lot on these boards about brides being concerned about someone acting up and “ruining” their wedding. At 30+, your sister is old enough to realize that doing something like that would accomplish nothing but embarass her in front of all of her family, and a room of strangers. I wouldn’t let that fear guide you.
(That said, i don’t have any dramatic people in my life like that. Still, i can’t imagine anyone wanting to look horrid in a room full of people)
Post # 7
@paula1248: I completely agree. You offered your sister a way to be in the wedding (as a bridesmaid), and she declined. It’s not your job to run around and find something for her to do; she’s an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions.
As Paula said, telling her what to wear was probably overstepping the line too, like I said, she’s an adult, and she probably knows what sort of clothes are appropriate for a wedding and, if not, she’s the one that will look wrong, not you. Uninviting her seems to have been uncalled for, though, so I think you should just apologise for what has happened, invite her as a guest, and go on with your wedding.
Post # 8
One thing I failed to mention is that prior to her backing out the first time, she went and got 2 HUGE tattoos on her back shoulder blades of Transformers (Optimus Prime and Megatron). We had already picked out the bridesmaid dresses and my mom and myself were furious that she went and did this because it was going to stand out and even trying tattoo concealer, was still noticeable because they were big and dark inked. After she got the tattoos, we went with the idea of doing mix matched bridesmaid dresses to accommodate them. This infuriated her and then the whole “I never have liked you. I tell people you’re not my sister. I hate you” comments immensed.
I’ve got no problem doing like yall said and just inviting her as a guest, but I worry still that my sister will just show her behind and do everything she can to cause a scene.
Post # 9
ps: I can’t imagine most parents would be ok with letting their child be a part of a wedding they are uninvited too.