Post # 1
Sorry in advance, this is long.
Bees, I committed a HUGE faux pas without even realizing it – unintentionally excluding my future SILs as bridesmaids. I have always wanted a small bridal party, so I asked my 2 sisters, cousin, and my very best friend of 27 years.
I asked my soon to be sisters-in-law to do the readings in our Catholic Mass, and I also asked them to get ready with us the day of. Additionally, I told them my bridesmaids were wearing black dresses of their choice, and if they wanted to coordinate, they could, but they didn’t have to.
Writing this out, I realize I basically have asked them to be bridesmaids in every way except actually calling them that.
I’m so so so upset because FI was talking to his parents today, and they are upset I didn’t ask his sisters to be bridesmaids. After talking with my FI, it came out that he also wanted them in the wedding (and was planning to ask my brother to stand up with him), but he didn’t feel right dictating who was in my bridal party.
Additionally, it gets more complicated because I told him he could have MORE groomsmen than I have bridesmaids (6 men to my 4 girls) since he wants multiple friends in the wedding, which now looks terrible and like I am purposely excluding his sisters. And honestly, its not that I don’t want them, I just didn’t want to have a large bridal party.
I know I should have done it in the first place because its the right thing to do, and I really do like them as well! I’ve been crying all this evening because I want to make everyone happy. Help me think of a good way to ask his sisters as bridesmaids without coming across like a) I’m being forced to ask them or b) like a huge bitch for not asking them in the first place.
Post # 3
How close are you with his sisters? If you’re fairly close, I’d just have an open and (sorta) honest conversation saying that you’d planned on having a small bridal party, but after reflecting, realized that, after all they’ve done and with how much they mean to you, you couldn’t get married without having them by your side. There’s still tons of time if the date you have is correct. How long ago did you “announce” your bridal party? Is there any way you can make it out as you not having gotten around to asking them yet or that you thought they already knew they were bridesmaids?
Post # 4
@LindyLu: I would just say what you’ve said here. Siblings-in-law are always a little tricky, and I would absolutely understand if my brother’s future wife came to me and explained this situation. You sound very thoughtful and well-meaning!
Post # 5
@LindyLu: At this point, I would have them. It sounds like you WANT them, but are just hung up about the number. WHO CARES if you have 6 vs 4? No one. I promise. I would call them both up and arrange a time for the three of you to get together, let them know that you originally thought you should have a small number, but it was eatng at you and you simply must have them by your side – will they pretty please be bridesmaids?
Post # 6
How in the world were you supposed to devine they’d want to be bride’s maids?
I have 3 brothers, 2 of whom are married. I love both my SIL but I wasn’t a bride’s maid for either.
My FI is not using my brothers as groomsmen and I am not using his sister’s as bride’smaids.
Maybe it’s our greater culture, but it never was a topic, and in other weddings in college (we had a chapel on campus) it was often seen as “pathetic” as if you didn’t have enough friends and had to borrow your future spouses.
If you want to change your mind just be really clear “I didn’t think of it at the time”
Plus, I don’t think bridesmaids are often readers.
Post # 7
I would just speak openly and honestly like you did here. Hopefully they understand. I know I would.
Post # 8
Honesty is the best policy.
Post # 9
Honestly, I think its great that you are still trying to include them. For my brother’s wedding last year, my 2 other brothers were groomsmen, and I was the only one in the family NOT invitied to be a part of it. At the last minute they felt bad for me and said I could walk the dog down the aisle. I politely declined.
Post # 10
@LindyLu: you know I don’t know a lot of people use their inlaws as their bridal attendants….to me it’s not neccissary or was it expected. How close are you to them?
Post # 11
@LindyLu: but if your FI wanted his sisters to be in the bridal party, how come this didn’t come up before you started asking people? Didn’t you guys discuss who would be part of the bridal party? However, it’s still not too late. I would go with @JrzyGurl:‘s strategy and present it to them in that way. Best of luck!
Post # 12
Thank you all for your advice. I am not super close to them (one lives in another state), but we have a lot of fun when we do get together. I think we decided to tell them (since my FI hasn’t officially asked his groomsmen yet) that we originally wanted a small bridal party (true) but we were having a hard time choosing, so we are going to have a larger bridal party and I would love it if they would stand up as my bridesmaids because I really want them to be a part of our special day. Hopefully it will go over well!
Post # 13
@LindyLu: Good luck with everything! I am sure everything will turn out fine.