(Closed) Bridesmaid Drama

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2007

OMG!  I’m so sorry for you.  I think you should focus on your wedding plans and keep everything on the positive.  I mean, it is your wedding and she has no right to be so selfish.  Let her know that it would be better if she was not part of your wedding because you don’t want to casue her any grief if she can’t be happy for you.  Actually I have some harsher words, but no need for that.  Doesn’t seem like she’a real friend anyway.  If you want to work things out with her, I’d wait until after the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

Missvanilla, so sorry to hear you are going through this!  I see both sides of the story (not in the "you did something wrong kind of way"…you def. didnt do anything wrong) But more that I do know the frustration of feeling like it was "my turn".  Mr. Pengy and I were together 6 years before we got engaged, and a lot of people we know that have been together for a lot shorter time had gotten married during that period.  I was DEFINITELY bitter but I tried to keep it to myself and my closest friends.  Of course, this is where I sympathize with your friend…she is keeping it to herself and her closest friend…you.  Unfortunately, unless she does a little soul searching and "growing up", this probably wont change.

My MOH is in a similar position to your friend right now…people getting married left and right, while she waits to get engaged.  She is frustrated, but also rational, so she only gets upset about it occasionally, and in private. Luckilly she has been nothing but supportive and amazing to me, but I know her dissapointment and I dont try to aggrivate it by throwing my wedding plans in her face.  When we talk, we only briefly talk about weddings.  After all, the world keeps turning, despite the fact that youre planning this ONE day, right? 

A lot of girls go through it, and the emotions range from dissapointed to flat out raging angry.

 Is she overreacting?  Absolutely.  There is no excuse for her to treat her best friend, you, like this.  She is really being ridiculous.  

That being said, if you do value your friendship, try to cater to her a little bit in this sensitive time and see if she loosens up a little bit.  Maybe you should let her help you pick out dresses, rather than just "dictate" what she will wear.  I know, as a bridesmaid, that I would appreciate my friend letting me find something that I felt comfortable wearing…after all, SHES the one wearing the dress, not you.

Keep your wedding talk to a minimum.  I found outlets like blogging and weddingbee to keep my "wedding crazies" away from my real life friends.  They all know I blog and am obsessed with my wedding, but I’m sure they appreciate having inteligent conversations that dont involve color schemes and vendor gripes.

She’s in the wrong for treating you like this.  But I’ve been in her position, so I know the frustration.  If you have the patience and you truly love her, sympathize with her a little bit. 

Post # 5
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I have a friend like this – that is for a lack of a better term a "debbie downer".  Her life is horrid, dramatic, etc. and she is very insecure about her own relationship.  I would advise you try to salvage the friendship, but leave her out of the wedding party.  Come up with some creative wedding party requirements – family only, small party, etc.  Find something special for her to do so you don’t have to hang out with her all day.

I’m assuming there are attributes of hers you value outside the wedding scenario – and maybe you’ll miss when the wedding is over.  Try not to create a big scene about it and hopefully once her relationship is resolved and your married things can go back to somewhat normal.  Don’t let the friendship go – just place it on hold. 

Post # 6
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Hi MissV – i’ve got a friend like this, too. i’m leaving her out of the wedding party and I try not to talk about wedding plans with her. i’ve been able to sustain the friendship for now, but I anticipate it might get tougher as the wedding gets closer. I’d just try to keep doing things with her and your friends, but try not to bring the engagement up. I know that’s awful, as it’s such a huge thing going on in your life, but if she tends to lash out like my friend does, it’s just not worth the ensuing disappointment that one of my best friends just can’t be happy for me.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

How old is she, 10?  If you want to minimize drama, don’t start with it.  Like my grammy always says, "you can’t reason with crazy".  You don’t have to Let a friendship go.  Do what you need to do and she’ll act accordingly.  If that means she won’t show up, thats on her.  If other people try to say something to you, just say "I’m sorry you feel that way" and keep stepping.

Some people like drama deep down. 

We let everyone know what we expected up front.  No gossip, no meanies, no mess.  Spread the word!  Someone didn’t like the date we picked.  "I’m sorry you feel that way.  We still on for lunch next week?"  Stopped her in her tracks.  No explaining, no arguments. She tried it again…"I’m sorry you feel that way.  Did you see AI?"  They get the hint. 

Post # 8
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

my first thought when i read your post was…. why are you even friends with someone like this?  which i guess answers your last sentence.

Post # 9
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

MissRojoOso, I’m going to have to try that conflict-stopper. It sounds perfect. Acknowledges their complaint, but also gets the point across that your wedding isn’t about them.

Post # 10
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I had a similar issue with a very good friend. After I told everyone about the engagement I mean right after it happened by text she out of all of my friends didnt even call me. I had friends who are always busy with family, job, etc…that took the time out to congratulate me, but out of everyone the longest oldest friend I have didnt call me until 3 weeks later. She gave me an excuse about studying for an exam that she ended up failing but whatever. Yup some people just cant be happy for others. When a good friend of mine got engaged right after me I was so excited I started crying and she did the same on my enagement. You always find out who your friends are once something good happens to you. Im glad Im not that type of friend. Oh yeah BTW it took me along time to decide that I didnt want the "not happy" friend to be in my wedding. She calls me once a month now and ask how the wedding planning is going then compares me to other friends of her’s who recently or are getting married. SUCH A HATER!!!!!

Post # 11
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.

Aw, Miss V! I’m sorry to hear that things went down so poorly with one of your best friends. That totally and utterly sucks.
While on one hand, I understand her maybe being a bit sad (one of my friends got engaged to her boyfriend of three months when Mr. Hum and I were at almost two years and it kind of bummed me out a bit) and she did apologize at least which is cool, but her basically emotionally blackmailing you, saying that she wouldn’t even come to the wedding if she wasn’t in it – that is totally not. Plus, who’s to say she wouldn’t pull more of the same being in your bridal party? One of my friends is dealing with this situation right now and it seriously sucks!
Friends are people who love and support you through the bad and the good times and maybe if she’s not willing to do that right now, you should spend time with people who are.

Post # 12
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I can understand her feelings of being disappointed that she’s having to wait so long while watching others get engaged around her.  I’ve been in her shoes and it sucks.  But, when you’re in those shoes, you suck it up when a friend tells you their good news and you congratulate them and then celebrate and act happy.  I think it’s okay to feel a bit jealous on her part but the way she handled her feelings is inappropriate, it’s what I’d expect from a spoiled brat child.  Not an adult.

You’ve already decided who’s going to be in your wedding party and you don’t want her included, so don’t change your mind just because she tried to guilt trip you into asking her to be a bridesmaid.  I would tell her that unfortunately you will only be having some girls who are very close to you (use whatever criteria that you want) but that you would love to have her there on your day and you don’t see it as a reason for her to avoid coming to the wedding.  If she still decides not to come then she’s sending a clear message that she really only wants the limelight and not your friendship. 

Post # 14
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Frist reaction I have is she’s trying to guilt you into allowing her to be in the wedding party and that’s not fair. The fact that she assumed she was to be in it is pretty bold and rude if you ask me, however (and I’m not defending her actions in any way here) by calling her and asking her to come over to tell her the good news may have given her the impression that you were planning to ask her something as well.

Considering she’s not your bestest friend in the whole wide world I would think that an over the phone or even e-maill announcement to her would have suffice. As there’s no way to really change how it was done,I think you’ve done everything you can – you’ve explained yourself, her guiltingyou is wrongno matter what and I wouldsimply say "Guilting me into letting you be in my weddig party is mroe hurtful then your initial reaction to my announcement. This friendship might do well with a bit of a break"

and let it be at that. You sound like you’re better off with out her in your life right now anyway – 

 

Good luck hun! 

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