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Wow.. so sorry to hear you have to deal with this so close to your wedding!
It sounds as former MOH as issues beyond herself/kids/work and that she may be using that as an excuse. Unfortunately for you, she did not admit this when you asked her to be in the wedding. I guess every person is different and deals with responsibility in different ways. I understand that you don't want her to completely bail, but it sounds like she might anyway, wouldn't you rather know now that she refuses to come then discover the day of that she isn't going to show up?
I think you did the right thing in saying ou want her there. It is in her hands now and from the way she's been acting, I think she'd probably find another way to bail on you
This situation totally sucks and I really feel for you. My advice would be to just refuse to participate in the drama any longer. First, stop sending emails. If she emails you, call her back. Tone can get lost in an email, and sometimes you just need to TALK. I know it seems easier to email, since these are awkward conversations, but I think exchanging emails just escalates the situation. Second, when you do call her, don't engage with her drama. Just say, "I value your friendship so very much, and I hope you'll choose to stay in the wedding party, but I understand your feelings and if you would rather not be in the wedding party, I accept your decision as well. I'm excited to see you at the wedding." Don't get into a "who has more stress in their life" talk, don't rehash what's occurred over the past few months, don't get angry. The situation is what it is, and the absolute best way to handle it is to take the high road, express your friendship for her, and allow her to make a decision. Getting into the "she said/she said" conversation with her is obviously unproductive.
It's really sad that this person can't find the time for you or your wedding -- I'm sure it's hard to learn this about her. But don't give into the attraction of anger and drama. I'm sure you don't need more of that right now! Just be nice, get her final decision, and move on. You can figure out where you stand as friends when all the wedding craziness is over with!
Good luck hon!
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I'm not really angry...just sad. Really hurt. can't stop crying...
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I think things happen for a reason and this might be a blessing in disguise. Now you won't have to worry about her bailing out and not being there for you when you need it. I agree with GaBGal that there might be another motive there.
From what your former MOH said in the last e-mail, it tells me that she was not willing to put any effort at all in being your MOH. So better to give up that now than a week before the wedding.
Regardless, this will be one less thing for you to worry about it. Your bridesmaids are probably relieved as there will be less drama and tension within the wedding party.
Do you think she'll still come to the wedding?
It sounds to me like she will not come to the wedding at all. She ended her letter like this:
Good Luck to you and Matty on your big day. I love you both very much and wish you nothing but the best!
I may be going against the grain here but I can sort of understand what your former MOH is going through. I agree that if she really really wanted to make time, she would. But with so many factors, it's probably really hard for her to handle right now. Obviously, she has her priorities right now and as much as it hurts, maybe her duties as an MOH isn't one of them.
I can see why she would want to step down from the bridal party. If every time there's a get together and she's absent, it's just going to make you and the other bms more upset, so why would she want to put herself in that position and put the other girls in that position again and again? I think I would step down too if I knew no one was happy with me.
It's not your fault at all and I'm really sorry you're in this predicament during this time. Perhaps she'll reconsider after a talk, e-mails are not exactly the best way of communication...so many things get lost.
Hmmm it makes me wonder why she said yes to the MOH position in the first place. IT seems to me that she knew then that her 3 priorities were taking up all her time and she couldn't commit to anything for your wedding, so why agree to take the biggest position in your bridal party??? Its a shame it had to come to this, but I agree its probably a blessing in disguise. i know it hurts, but just be thankful you have a MOH that truly cares and deserves to be your right hand woman
A few thoughts.
Not everyone has the same understanding of BP expectations. Maybe she really didn't know what you expected of her?? I know everyone does have a lot going on. Personally I can attest that children suck up a ton of your time. (With that said, I'd still make time to get to the prewedding events.) However "busy" is in the eye of the beholder. Even if you could somehow use a standard measure to determine that she was no busier than the next girl, if she feels more overwhelmed than most people, she is.
Do you feel like she is just making excuses and doesn't want to be there? You could be misinterpretting it. Or perhaps she really didn't feel like she wanted to be a part of it. If so, she probably didn't realize it until after she accepted. Maybe she's jealous because your wedding will be nicer than hers. Maybe she felt you were being too demanding. (I know you said you aren't.) Maybe she felt it is all too much money, and hadn't thought of that earlier. Who knows?
First she steps down as MOH because she wasn't making it to events. She probably felt like since she was demoted, that people would get off her back about not coming to stuff. I really don't blame her for stepping out completely. I would hate to think everyone in the BP hates me, too. And to a degree I think you should have been prepared for this to have happened after asking her to step out of MOH. I'm not saying you were wrong. I'm just saying feelings can get hurt easily. We all kind of want things to work out perfectly but they usually don't. (Can't have your cake and eat it to.) You want her in the wedding, but to shape up. Since she's not shaping up, she is shipping out. And you're upset at that too.
Would you have rather still had her knowing she is not there for you? Would you still be concerned that she would even make it to the wedding? Are you worried your friendship is over?
I'm sorry there is drama you don't need. (And it is understandable you are upset that someone, your choice for MOH, is not there for you.) I hope you can find a way to smooth things over, especially if the friendship is still valuable to you. Good luck.
I recently had to remove a BM from my wedding party. It was a big dramatic situation and she has been a thorn in my side (criticisms, complaints, etc. etc. on her part the entire enagement)...
ANYWAY, the upside of your situation is- at least she took it upon herself to step down and didn't make you "the bad guy" by you having to kick her out. Her responses, while upsetting, were also worded in a mature manner, which is much more than I can say for the BM I had to kick out...so that's also an upside.
Like someone said above...maybe this is a blessing in disguise...when I was trying to decide if I wanted my ex-bm in the wedding still, there were some people who said something along the lines of "well just stick it out through the wedding" but....I decided against that because...what if things just got worse? What would happen on the actual day? What's the point of both of us spending all that money and time on it if we weren't going to talk after the wedding?
Anyway, I know this is upsetting to you but, the best thing to do is not always the easiest thing to do. And I think the fact that she took it upon herself to opt out is much better than you having to do it yourself.
I think Tanya said it right. Everyone really has different levels of what they can handle...and it can be frustrating for the person on the receiving end to find that someone else can't do what might seem really minor to them. But consider it that at least she was honest about it...and I think that possibly her apology was somewhat sincere if a bit unnecessarily defensive. I've actually never been an in town BM, so I've missed many BP events for all the weddings I've been in. In my case everyone (except my sister which is another story) was pretty understanding. Not making it to things can wrack you with a lot of guilt, and if other BP members are criticizing you for it you might really feel that you don't belong int he party anymore. BTW, this isn't me criticizing you or your reaction, just trying to see it from her POV. I don't think it has to mean she doesn't care about you or your wedding is all I'm saying.
I might also say that you could extend an email to her letting her know you'd still really like her to attend your wedding. Then you can let it go completely.
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I am gonna go against the grain here a little bit...
I understand why you are upset and I definitely send you *hugs*. However, I think your BM/former MOH handled this is a very adult way. I cant remember if I have ready your other posts, but from this one it seems like she's been very clear with you about her priorities. It sucks, but at this time in her life, your wedding isnt one of them. As a May bride (month twin!!) I feel the pressure mounting and would completely spazz right now if I had to make changes in the bridal party. But I think you have to put things in perspective. You didnt seriously expect her to miss the birth of her niece's baby for your bachelorette party? Maybe she is very close to her niece.
I dont want to be presumptuous but I get the impression you guys are over 25, since your former MOH is already married with kids. Maybe when she signed on, she wasnt expecting this much hoopla because of your stage in life.
Should she never have agreed to be MOH or even a BM? Maybe. Perhaps. But I think you are doing your friendship a disservice by expecting your needs and expectations to trump that of her family. I cant imagine how much time and energy 3 kid smust absorb...plus the husband, plus the career. Since youve already admitted that you are relieved that she has stepped out of the bridal party, why not CALL her (not send an email) and tell her that while youre sad it has worked out this way, you still value her friendship and want her to be a guest at the wedding.
Just a couple of things because I am on my way to work...
1. She begged to be my MOH
2. I am not demanding and didn't really care that she missed events. I probably would not have said anything to her, but she brought up that she was not coming to things. And her not coming to things wouldn't have really bothered me if she didn't always SAY she was coming and them text me that she couldn't make it a day before.
3. There wasn't a ton of things to go to, but she couldn't even find time to meet me for coffee. I haven't seen her in 4 months!
4. I DO NOT think that I take priority over her or her family, but I have been there for her more times than I can count. She can't even find the time to call me back or meet with me. SHE is the one who always communicates by email. I only respond because it seems to be the only way to get a response back from her.
5. I did call her, she didn't answer her phone (surprise, surprise) so I left a tearful message saying I want her to reconsider being my bridesmaid, but I will understand if she still doesn't want to and even if she says no I hope she will still come to the wedding.
As an added note, I have bended over backwards fo her during the last few months. I changed dates of things so she could attend. I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO ACCOMODATE HER. Everything. My reaction has been more sadness and hurt than anger. And the minute of anger I did have, I think anyone would have intially had, so please, no more of making me the bad guy for getting upset.
Yeah - I'd just email her to say that you're sorry she no longer wants to attend but you'd love to have her there, and leave it at that. She's been causing too much drama for too long and hopefully your other bridesmaids will be able to step up and support you on the home stretch.
I'm so sorry, this must be bringing out so many emotions. With your newest update, with all you have done for her, it just seems like she won't change her mind. Hopefully, she will at least come to the wedding, but if she doesn't, please don't let it ruin your week/day/ anything. :( Hugs to you!
I'm so sorry... drama is never fun, and especially not so close to your day. My best advice is just to be open-minded and try to see things from her perspective. I know that it's unfair to you and really disappointing. If someone begged to be my MOH, I would expect awesomeness from her as well.
Try to remember that this girl is one of your best friends, that's why you wanted her as your MOH in the first place. If her life is crummy right now (as so many are), do your best to be understanding, even if you can't do anything else to support her. Chances are that she's been doing her best...
From experience: I'm a very independent person who thinks she can do it all. I often put way too much on my plate and end up rushing around trying to please everyone. If your former MOH is anything like me, the turned off phone and short emails are a result of guilt. Often when I am juggling too much (family, work, etc), something gets dropped. It doesn't mean that's the thing I care least about or that I didn't try to make it work... I just make mistakes (we all do). Then I feel so bad about it that it's really hard to face the situation, especially if I've let down someone I care about.
Understand that your friend obviously cares about you and this is probably hurting her as well. Above all else.... girl, your wedding is this month! This flipping month! That is so awesome!!! Focus on that tremendous happy note, and everything else will fall into place.
Sezzy - I am a very independent person too. I always try to do things myself. So, I really do not expect anyone to help me with anything. Nor do I want them do most of the time. I never expected awesomeness from her, but seeing her once in the last 4 months would have been nice.
I guess most of all I blame myself for picking her. She is kind of notorious for stuff like this. She seems to bail on a lot of her "friends".
I understand her business, but some of you mentioned that it would be nice to not email stuff to her. I get that totally. What hurts the most is that she never has taken the time to give me a call on anything. I call her, she emails me. It hurts that she can't even find enough time to call me. I get that she, her family and her job are number one in her life, but she has really made me feel worthless. i feel like she doesn't value me as a friend at all.
It sucks that I am losing a bridesmaid, but worse than that is that I feel like I am losing a friend. I reach out to her and she doesn't do the same. How many times does one do that without receiving a response before they just give up?
On top of all of this, my FH and I reserved hotel rooms for the bridal party and now have to find someone to fill her room for both nights or we end up eating the cost, not to mention that I bought her gifts already. sigh
I never truly understood what my friends were going through with the stress of planning a wedding until I started planning my own. Just like, I don't think I will understand what being a single mother to 3 kids is like until I'm in that position.
The way I've maintained frienships with my friends over the years is realizing that their life priorioties may not match mine, but that's ok. If they don't have time to call that's ok, because when they do have time to call, they will and it will be like no time has passed. Saying that, understand I don't think it's ok for friends to blow off plans or not show up when they say they will, but I'm getting the feeling that your former MOH doesn't like to admit up front that she can't make something and says she "might" just so she won't dissapoint you, not understanding that not showing up is the most dissapointing in the end. Sometimes I'm like that, I don't want to admit that I can't go to something but I don't want to flat out say NO, so I say maybe, knowing full well I can't. It's worse in the end...but I'm human.
anyway, I understand you wrote this post because you need to vent, but sometimes you just need to step away from the situation and move on. If she can only give so much, so be it. Stop bending over backwards for her and accommodating her. Let her know in the future that something is planned, if she can make it great, if not that's ok too. Therefore, you aren't set up for dissapointment and heartache when she doesn't show. Work on your other friendships and relationships in your life. Be a friend to her, the better person, and be there for her when and if in the future she needs it, but stop giving so much if nothing is given back in return. Protect your heart. Love her, but step away and let it go.
I totally understand. I would be disappointed, too. Do you have any relatives that could take the room? It's a shame to have to eat the cost.
Letting go of friends is hard, but it's one of the things that happens as you grow up and change your life. Hopefully, you'll be able to re-esablish this connection later, especially if it's important to you.
Either way, there is no need to shed more tears about it! It sounds like you have done everything in your power. Take a deep breath and try to be comfy with that (easier said than done, I know).
So, after all that....she send me a text today
"I'll be in the wedding BUT I am telling you right now if one person says anything or looks at me wrong, I swear to god I will take them down. It's your day. YOURS. Not theirs...I can only give what I can give.
It's like I am a referee for my bridesmaids! For pete's sake!
Sounds like it just might all work out. Take a deep breath girl and just let it be. You do not have to be the ref. Do you think she'd seriously take someone down? Or that they would say something? The focus is all going to be on you that day, nothing else. You know now, that you can't expect much from her for the next month so inform her rather than ask. We're going here, we're doing this. If she wants to come great, if not, it does not have to be a big deal. If you're not expecting her to be super-fab bridesmaid, then you might end up being nicely surprise if she cools it. (((Hugs))) and just focus on your count-down! CONGRATS!!!
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I do not they my maids would say anything...but I think she would interpret something the wrong way. So, I plan on informing the others of her sensitivity.
There are no more events for the next month except for the wedding...
Someday I will look back on all of this and laugh.....I hope
Whoa...her latest text with the "threat" to take someone down for looking at her wrong seems a bit much. Are you absolutely sure you want to keep her in the bridal party? I would just consider it a sunk cost and keep her out. Your wedding day is not a day for you to deal with drama and sensitivity for your bridesmaid.
I would sit down and gently explain to the MOH that your xMOH feels terribly overwhelmed right now and is still in the wedding and that all you wish is for everybody to just enjoy the day and not look on her in any negative light.
I understand sometimes how your MOH feels..I'm a single mom (although T and I will marry but we don't live together and I'm terribly independent), work a full time job, and also am a 100 percent hands on mom and baseball mom too. Sometimes I feel like I need a 48 hour single day to get all things done..but somehow I find time to do all of it and more! My friends know that they can depend on me and when things happen, I jump to it. But I have been known to feel (short bits though and rare) overwhelmed.
I think your friend just has a different stress level that's all. What she can handle is possibly different than what I can handle and what you can handle. She's pushed her personal boundaries and I think she's being sweet btw. She is still a bridesmaid despite being demoted right? Maybe have a friendly lunch together (hopefully she can swing that and maybe even invite her kids too) and make up. Friendships like this can be strengthened and your wedding day can become even more joyous!
Btw, I think you're doing wonderfully in this situation and I think you and your friend will makeup and do just fine. I felt your friends' feelings come thru when she said how much she loved you and FI in that short email.
I am so sorry you have to go through this so close to your wedding! I think you have handled it pretty well. If she doesn't fell comfortable being there for you, then that is her personal issue, not yours. It sounds like you have done all you can.
I had planned a cabin weekend for my girls that I invited them to a month ago. Bridesmaid B said she couldn't wait and would definitely be there. When I sent the reminder notice this week, I got an e-mail from B saying that she planned a trip to Vegas that weekend. Hello?? Oh well - It was something that I was trying to do as a pre-gift to them for helping me out and putting up with my wedding talk. If she would rather go to Vegas then that is up to her.
I guess bottom line is you can't control what others want and what they are willing to give for you. It may be a crucial day for us, but for them it may not be. Just remember, you are marrying your special perosn and it will be perfect!
This situation must be really hard for you, Irish. I feel for you.
I think Irish herself hit it on the head. That is this: you feel like you are losing a friend as much as losing a bridesmaid.
I think this latest gesture shows that she genuinely cares about you, but is having a difficult time compartmentalizing her feeling and "self" from the you and your wedding. You are not responsible for what other people may or may not say to her on the day of the wedding (though I do think it would be unusual for anyone to say anything).
If anything, I think you are in a tougher spot now, because she is putting the ball in your court and waiting poised to get hurt again. I'd say let her be in the wedding, but don't over-reassure her or bend over backwards for her. You'll just end up feeling used. Tell her that you want this to be the best possible experience for everyone who is participating and that you too hope that everyone is willing to put the past aside for the wedding, and leave it at that.
Of course, I also think that there may be call for reflection and re-adjustment of the friendship (after the wedding)!
I'm glad that it seems to be working out, although I do agree with Doctorgirl that she totally put the ball in your court and that is way more than you should have to do. If she starts to cause drama, I'd remind her of her own words it's "your day." Her drama can take the sideline for the day!
I agree with Sezzy and Doctorgirl that her drama is way more than I should have to handle right now. I am keeping her in the wedding because I do not want anymore drama. But I am not having a talk with any of the other girls. I want everyone to have fun, not walk on eggshells all day. I can't believe that I am dealing with people in their late 20s and 40s! Yes, that is right, miss drama is in her 40s. And if she starts any drama I will kindly tell her to take her own advice and remember that it is "my" wedding.
Never in my life did I ever think I would have such drama about my wedding! And this is just the bridesmaids, don't even get me started on my furture in laws!
I cannot wait for this wedding to be over with!
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Some of you may seen my other posts....my MOH was MIA. Hadn't been to a single event. I'm not really one to say anything to anyone, but at one point she asked if I was upset, so I told the truth and said yes. Then she got angry at me for being upset with her!
I get the whole, How dare you be mad at me....I have a job...I have kids....you have no idea.
I get it, she has a busy life. So do I (as I sit in a hotel room on a business trip typing this), so so my other bridesmaids.
So, after a week I call her and she steps down as MOH. Kind of relief for me because the other girls were getting resentful that she was the MOH and she hadn't been to anything, but also kind of disappointing to me because I just wanted my friend around.
Now, let me say, I am not a demanding bride. I kinda go with the flow. But I was hoping to get all my girls together before the wedding because not all of them had met. I just thought if we had a night out of fun together it would make the wedding day even more comfortable and fun.
The last chance would be the bachelorette party, but true to form, my former MOH sent an email (she never calls for these kind of things) saying she would be unable to make the party. Maybe she would make brunch the next day.........nope she never showed for that either. Later in the day I received a text from her saying her niece was in the hospital having a baby and she was sorry she couldn't come.
Again, I was disappointed. And thinking that niece was lucky because I am close with my family and my aunt would not come to the hospital when I was having a baby!
I find out that when my former MOH rsvp'd no to the bacherlorette party my current MOH sent her an email saying "Are you seriously not coming?" That's it. That's all the email said.
A few days later I get an email from my former MOH saying something like this:
So, I emailed her back that I thought the she was frustrated that she hasn't been to any group gatherings. That they all have stuff going on but they all still show up. (Now this girl has a tendancy to think she has all the worst problems so I gave her a taste of what the others are going through) I told her one just lost thousands of dollara on a home, another has to live seprately from her husband because she has a job in one city and a house in another and they can't sell their house and yet another has to be out of her apt. by the end of the week and has not found a place to live yet.
I tell her that yes, there may be weird vibe on that day, but it is what it is. I've done all I can. I've defended her all I can. The only one who can change the vibe is her.
This is what I got back:
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