Post # 1
Yesterday I invited one of my (unwed) bridesmaids over, just to spend time together, nothing wedding related. I mentioned how all our lives we’re starting to go in different directions and how soon (36 days) I would be a wife. The short story is she said, “So? What’s the big deal? the only thing changing is your name”. I didn’t know how to reply then, and I still dont. I feel like she’s belittling my marriage and trivializing my wedding. Maybe I’m just having a bridezilla moment but I figured if anyone would understand it would be fellow bees!
Post # 2
Well I agree with your friend… What else is going to change aside from your name? If you’re not currently living with your FI then there will certainly be changes, but if you’re already living together then there’s not going to be any difference.
Post # 3
Gademers: What is that you think will change?
If you are already living together, chances are that until you have children, if that is in your plans, very little will change, except how you think about things.
You will still get up, go to work, go to the gym, eat meals, have a shower, sleep etc. The rest of your life goes on after marriage too.
Post # 4
Gademers: You’re so right! The birds will begin to sing louder, the sun will always be shining on you and your husband, and your diamond ring will shine brighter each and every day now that you are a wife!!!
No. You are having a bridezilla moment. Also, it’s clear that your friend wanted to make a point that things won’t be very different and the two of you will still be great friends. She certainly wasn’t “belittling your marriage” by making a point that you two will still be friends.
Have a nice glass of wine.
Post # 5
Gademers: honestly I think you’re trivializing her because she’s not married. “Oh, you just don’t understand how super special life gets when you’re getting married.” Life is pretty much the same after the wedding. The love between you and your partner doesn’t magically become more powerful, the world doesn’t miraculously become better, and you don’t become a different person. Mellow out and if it bothers you, stop talking about your wedding (even of handed comments like countdowns) with your poor unmarried friends who just couldn’t possibly understand.
In short: call the army, bridezilla’s in town. Take a chill pill.
Post # 6
Really? She’s driving you nuts because of this? You need to relax, lady.
You don’t need to “explain” marriage to single friends. They aren’t children, I think they understand how it works. Your comment to her was kind of rude. Please don’t turn into one of those condescending married people.
Post # 7
I have a friend who has no clue about the dynamics of marriage. She makes fun of us all for calling our spouses during the day and caring about their preferences. Over the years, we’ve all just gotten used to it, except for one male friend who just got married. She sent him a joking (but suggestive) e-mail that his wife found. They had a relationship a long time ago, but she ended it and has never looked back. Now they just joke around. This led to her losing the friend for the forseeable future per his wife’s edict. Now she’s very humble and respectful of people who choose to marry, even though she admittedly will never be the type to di it herself (too independent and multiple psychological issues.)
Post # 8
I just thought that getting married meant more than changing my name. I certainly didn’t think it meant things would be better for me or worse for her. She’s out at the bar every night and we plan on having children shortly after the wedding. Guess I was reading too much into it.
Post # 9
Indeed, after I got married, people would ask me how it feels. My response was that I tended to forget that I was married – since I did not even change my name, life was exactly the same as before.
Post # 10
Gademers: you just tried to explain that you think it will change you because you’ll be having kids, but this is what you wrote that you said to her, “I mentioned how all our lives we’re starting to go in different directions and how soon (36 days) I would be a wife.”
That does sound like the minute you ” be a wife” things will be different. It also sounds a tad condescending and judgmental. I’m sure you’re super excited, but I caution you against lording this ” elevated status” ( that is what your words inferred) over your single friends, unless you don’t want single friends any more. Its not really kind to tell your BM thst in 36 days the friendship will basically be over because your lives are going in different directions 🙂
Post # 11
I don’t know what changed. But something did when I got married. I feel like I don’t see my single friends as often. And when I need advice I gravitate towards married women because, well, they’ve been there. But other things have changed too. I care about DH’s opinion in everything, because we are one now. It’s not that I didn’t care about his opinion before, because I did, but it’s a different dynamic now. That doesn’t mean you don’t maintain your friendships with unmarried/single friends. But for some reason I feel like it’s a lot harder. My best friend is single and I don’t think I have actually spent some one on one time with her in 6 months or more. I mean I still see her every sunday and wednesday because we go to church together. But, even then, I tend to gravitate towards conversations with married women. It’s something that I want to work on. We still text a lot and we send each other a TON of innapropriate pins on Pinterest. hehe. But, we haven’t had a girls night in a while.
Getting married does change things. I don’t think it’s fair to yourself or your friends for denying that.
Post # 12
I feel a bit on the chopping block… First of all, I never said to her “I’m getting married in 36 days”. I put that on here to give readers a little context of where we are in our engagement. Secondly, that same day we got a phone call from our other friend and bridesmaid saying she was expecting a baby. Since the bridesmaid I was speaking with just bought a house (we live about an hour apart), I am getting married and the third friend is having a baby I said that I was feeling like we all have our own big things going on, and she was invited over for the afternoon since those opportunities may get more rare as we all pursue our own lives. I never said, “36 days from now i start my awesome married life and you won’t ever hear from me again!”
I want my marriage to be special to me, I don’t expect it to be special for anyone else except my husband, but I dont think it’s wrong to not want it to be ignored either. If this thread taught me anything it’s that my marriage can mean whatever my FH and I want it to 🙂
Post # 13
Gademers: I think people are are reading to much into your comment. I know what you mean. Things do change a little after marriage. Priorities become a little different and now bills, expensive become one. Time becomes less with friends sometimes because of each others family functions you need to attend for each other. Obviously your single friends are going to be able to do anything they wants without having to check in with anyone. Like go traveling. I’m not saying you won’t be able to go on a girls night out or a weekend trip but when you’re married, you do have to plan it out instead of being spontaneous. And if planning a family after marriage, your mindset and properties are a little different from someone who is single. So life does change after marriage and people do go different directions in life, but doesn”t mean you stop being friends with someone. I’m sure she didn’t mean life changes the instant you say “I do.”
Post # 14
Gademers: Your marriage is absolutely what you and your FI make it! Just remember that. 🙂
Post # 15
Those big life changes will cause you to see each other less only if you let it. Our big group of friends has people in different life stages. Some are completely single, some have boyfriends and girlfriends, some married with kids and some married without kids. We still all hang out together pretty often and always have things to talk about, which includes sharing parts of our lives which are all in different stages. Honestly the biggest change for me that came to seeing people less was when I graduated university and we all went our separate ways, which often meant moving far apart. Your bridesmaid wasn’t ignoring or belittling your marriage, she was just pointing out that your lives won’t move indifferent directions unless you cause them to