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Wow. What a situation!
First of all, you do not have to have people at your wedding who don't like you. That is a given. It might have been more tactful to mention that to her beforehand though if she's one of those girls who is in denial about her boyfriend (we allllllll know them)
I would send her an extremely nice email about how much you appreciate her apology and how grateful you are that she wants to work things out. Do not invite her back into the wedding. If she wants to be your friend she will be your friend, and if she doesn't, she wont' be, but don't re-commit yourself to months more of drama!
Hmm. Well, to be honest, it doesn't sound like you were as diplomatic in your conversations with her as you could have been, so I can see why she'd be upset, even if she shouldn't have gotten that upset/communicated it in the ways she did. (I'd be upset too if someone I thought was a good friend told me that I'm completely undependable! It probably also would have been better to address the boyfriend issue proactively, before she received the invite, but that's a done deal now.)
I guess I'd say, think back to why you initially asked her to be a bridesmaid. If you think the friendship is salvageable then sit down for a nice (long) conversation with her. If it's not and you really don't ever want to be friends again, then you need to let her know that. In that case, I'd talk to the MOH and let her know the situation as neutrally as possible.
I don't think you should ignore her apology, but I think at this point it's too much of an effort for you to keep her in the wedding. What's the point - it sounds like she already skipped all the events and hasn't done much in the way of being a bridesmaid. I think a rational email explaining why you would love to see her at the wedding as a guest but don't have the energy to deal with more bridesmaid drama is the way to go. If you think your MOH would be upset by this i would check in with her and explain the situation.
@beansy: I had his name on the invitation before they went out and changed it after a conversation we had the week before they were mailed. She told me a lot of disturbing things that he was saying about me, she told me she wants to break up with him and that she doesn't want him at the wedding because he will just put a damper on the day. So, I told her, no problem, I'll change the invite. So I was shocked when I got it back with his name on it.
If I send her an email like that, she will automatically assume that she is back in the bridal party. So I'm not sure what to do about that or how I would even word it.
@kay01: I told her what my gut feeling was and I was honest. She has flaked out on trips, happy hours, weekend plans, all usually at the last minute (literally). So, I think this is a build up that just finally got me to a breaking point.
I have talked to the MOH and while she says it won't come between us my instincts tell me otherwise. Our not being friends will make it more awkward for the group as a whole and I realize that. Thats what compliates this even more. Thank you for your suggestion. I suppose I will have to try to talk to her again.
@girlwitharing: I think you're right. I definitely don't have the energy to deal with anymore of her drama. However, I feel that I would be upsetting her even more by suggesting that she come as a guest. I don't think my MOH completely understands where I'm coming from either (no matter how much I try to explain it) so I doubt that would go over too well with her. I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to involve her too much and it's hard to maintain neutality.
So she already knew and she still flipped out??? REALLY in denial!
What about an email like this
Dear_____________
I really appreciated your email. You and I have been through a lot together and I'm so glad it means enough to you that you want to work on our relationship. The wedding is probably putting a lot of stress on both of us, now, and I'm sure once the wedding is over things will be easier. Even though you said you won't be at the wedding, I hope you will still come as a guest.
Love,
You
I had a very similar bridesmaid. From day one she was hot and cold. I tried to just chalk it up to her having problems at home, but in the end my kindness back fired. To make a long story short she flaked out on my a few times and showed up to only a couple of wedding related events. At one point she even informed me that she would not be able to attend my destination wedding and therefore couldn't be a bridesmaid. 3 weeks before our departure she suddenly informed me that she had in fact ordered her bridesmaid dress "just in case" and that she would be coming to the wedding now. Not wanting to turn down her support I okayed this thinking that she was showing effort.
This was a really big mistake on my part. The whole reason she wasn't going to come in the first place was because her boyfriend couldn't come. She ended up coming without him, but the whole week of our vacation was ruined by her crying about her boyfriend and their relationship woes. On two seperate nights she even got so drunk and out of control upset about her boyfriend that she made a scene in front of my other guests. She even went as far as getting in a fight with another bridesmaid. My cousin tried to difuse the situation, but this bridesmaid made everything about her and didn't even stop to think that she might be ruining my rehersal dinner or wedding night. After the wedding she completely ditched me to go party with some people from Australia who were also staying at our resort.
Looking back I know now that I should have learnt from her previous actions. She wasn't there to support me because she had never taken on that role before. She was there to party and be the centre of attention and drama. It's really sad thinking that I could have spared myself the tears on my wedding day...and I'm not talking about tears of joy :(
Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.
@beansy: exactly. That's why I was so shocked at both getting the response card and her reaction. I will construct an email similiar to what you suggested. Your example is a great help and a helpful guideline. Thank you.
That puts some different color on the situation. I am guessing she's just young and unaware of general customs. I like beansy's email, sounds like a good way to handle it. Maybe add or follow up with a coffee-type offer, if you want to try recovering the friendship.
Re group settings issue w/MOH - what I've found as I've gotten older, is those group settings start to die off naturally. In college I always hung out with the same group but now we see each other largely on an individual basis. Other groups I spend time with now are smaller than they used to be - perhaps 4-6 for dinner instead of 6-10 for drinks. I used to be sad about it, but I now appreciate the quality over quantity aspect of it.
@mrs.peters.to.be: Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you!!! That's terrible and incredibly selfish and rude on her part. I feel like they are very similiar, our "bridemaids." My MOH informed me that she was worried that the BM in question was downing glasses of wine so fast in that half hour that she was at my shower, she thought she was going to get embarrassingly intoxicated and then she left so soon after drinking 3 glasses in a half hour! I wonder if they realize(d) that they are/were making it all about them and taking away our moment. I feel like your response is a signal that I should be proactive here. I'm so torn. I just hope that if she comes, I don't look back on your response and think-wow I should've taken that more seriously.
You are planning a wedding and do not needed the added stress. You do not have time for her childish games. She has already missed out on all your important events because she was acting like a brat. I would tell her you accept her apology and thats it. Do not invite her to be back in the wedidng and make sure she KNOWS that even though she is now only a guest, her bf STILL is not invited to the wedding :)
Make amends, but don't let her back in the wedding. It's not fair for you to have to deal with this drama for the next month! It's supposed to be the happiest time of your life, let it be that!
It's just one case of things going wrong, but I thought I should share my experience with you because I really wish I would have listened to my gut. There were a ton of things pointing to her involvement being wrong, but she is an old friend and I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. It's hard when there are multiple people involved as well because you don't want to unneccessarily hurt anyone's feelings. Things could go completely differently for you, but it's really important to listen to those little red flags in the back of your mind. What it comes down to is weighing the pros with the cons. If this girl is going to cause you more trouble than good, then you really shouldn't feel bad asking her to take a couple steps back. It might be nice to have her attend as a guest, but it seems to me liek she isn't exactly bridesmaid material. The girls standing next to you are supposed to be there for your support. My whole wedding day was so hectic and all over the place that I couldn't have done it without the couple of girls who really had my back.
Hmm this is a tough situation and Im sorry your dealing with it.. I think its good you were honest with her on how you were feeling.. or she may have never known. I think that you wouldnt have picked her if you didnt want her to stand up for your big day. So that being said I think you should give her another shot. Plus she was the one that said she was done it wasnt like you kicked her out, so She probably just needed some time to cool down. I think a better more open flow of communication would be good for you two. As for her boyfriend. I can totally see why you wouldnt want him at your wedding. But she is in your bridal party and should get a date!
@tessemasgirl
>>She has already missed out on all your important events because she was acting like a brat.
Er...not quite. The wedding is the important event, and everything else just icing. People have been bridesmaids before who were just there for the wedding. (Granted they usually have good reasons/bride doesn't mind, but technically...)
@Ellabellaxo: You're not excluding her from the wedding -- she's excluding herself, on her own, of her own free will. She ran out the door saying she wasn't coming and now expects you to just forget that in light of everything else? You can forgive her actions, but enough is enough with the back and forth with her. She seems too emotional and is likely to flip/flop her feelings for you on the friendship during your wedding. You don't need that on your day.
Maybe it's time for coffee and a chat.
I don't think weddings are worth losing friends over, so I think it's worth it to try and resolve some of the issues with her (though I agree that she should probably attend as a guest to avoid drama).
@ so said ellie: It's funny you should say that because we met up at a coffe shop when she ran out the door so I'm not too sure meeting up again will accomplish much. I should've also mentioned her pysical behavior during our conversation- she was all worked up, on the defense, shaking, and breaking out in hives. I couldn't understand why she was acting like that when we were just discussing things and I was calm, talking normally to her.
@cornflakegirl:
It won't let me hit reply -still! Anyway, you're right, she is excluding herself and I know that she has issues (mentally and emotionally) but she is supposed to be taking medication to control that and I can't use that as an excuse for her anymore. I personally can't handle her ups, downs, and emotional rollercoaster rides anymore because it's starting to effect my own health. I just need to lay this to rest.
The least she can do is talk to you in person about being in the wedding again. Unless she is willing to do this, I would just tell her no. If she does talk in person, I would consider her being in the wedding again. But it depends on how the conversation goes, and is of course ultimately up to you.
Well, I can't upload the photo but I thought I'd share this: http://www.postsecret.com/
The first post on the site, sums up what a few of us are feeling.
@Ellabellaxo: wow.. just wow! i'm dealing with someone emtionally unstable & unrealiable too. Up down, left right, black white.. can't deal with Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde behavlor.. also going through a very similar situation. It's hard to just forgive and forget.. but it seems to be a trend that emotional unstable people can't commit to anything in their lives.. not just events like this. Hope everything works out for you -- it's not about them anyways..
Accept the apology but don't put her back in wedding, she's proven herself unrealiable and unstable.
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So one of my bridesmaids and I have been on the rocks for about a month now. It all started when I got her response card with her boyfriend listed as her guest. I told her that she couldn't bring him to my wedding because he hates me and has wished me dead. (not exaclty the type of guest I want at our wedding) She wouldn't return phone calls or texts for a while, then she started a facebook messaging battle. She didn't show up for a party that my mom hosted for my bridal party, I let time pass and tried to text her again and finally got a response a couple of days later. She said nothing was wrong and she had no issues. I was unsettled with that because there are obviously issues and she isn't coming to my bachelorette weekend either. The girls informed me of that.
This past weekend was my shower, she didn't rsvp but told my two MOHs that she would be there. She came, I initiated conversation, it was extremely uncomfortable and awkward and she left after about a half hour. I reached out to her yet again-and texted her, we met up yesterday and I tried to talk things out but got nowhere b/c she kept repeating what I was asking/saying. She told me that shes upset that she isn't a MOH (which she knew she wasn't all along) among other things. I told her that my gut feeling was that I can't depend on her (she has been flaking out on things for years now) and at that moment she jumped up and said "I see where this is going, I won't be at your wedding!" and ran out the door.
Then I get an email from her this morning apologizing, saying that she understands if I don't want her in the wedding but she hopes we can work things out. I am so confused and sick of this ongoing, never-ending fiasco. I would just ignore it and not answer her but one of my MOHs is a mutual friend of hers and I feel like if I exclude her from the wedding, we will have issues.
What would you do in this situation? Please help!