Post # 1
So one of my bridesmaid is a friend I’ve known my whole life. She recently got divorced after a short marriage by fairly long relationship. Her ex and I were very close. He was like a brother to me (she is like a sister). Her and I were roommates when they first started dating, so I’ve known him since the very beginning. He also got really close to FI during their relationship, and FI always told me he wanted to make him a groomsman whenever we got married. They split last fall (before FI and I were engaged) and got officially divorced this spring. FI didn’t ask her ex to be a groomsman because he didn’t want to cause trouble. However FI just got a job that causes him to travel to where the ex lives, and the ex has been kind enough to offer FI a place to stay, and said he wants to come visit us soon. Both my bridesmaid and the ex are dating new people, and FI and I are feeling torn because we really want to invite this guy to the wedding, but also don’t want to betray my friend. I feel really conflicted, because her ex has always been great to me and FI and super supportive of our relationship.
I want to be a good friend to her, but I also don’t want to be a shitty friend to him and not invite him since we had previously talked before they broke up about him coming to the wedding. I haven’t asked her about it because she doesn’t know we still talk to him.
Also I should note, not that it matters much, but it changes my opinion, that from what I understand the relationship ended because of her, and sometimes it seems like she left him for this new guy.
Post # 2
I would tell her that we don’t feel that friends should have to choose sides when a couple divorces. I would tell her that we are going to assume that both she and her ex can behave civilly and that we are going to invite both of them to the wedding- her as a BM, him as a guest.
Post # 2
Invite them both, and sit them well apart from each other. It happens all the time with divorced parents (including my own), so I’m sure it can work with this couple who has a much shorter history.
I would inform her that her ex is still good friends with FI and so will be invited to the wedding after all. Yes you told her you wouldn’t, but FI’s friendship with the guy trumps any undertaking you gave to your friend to exclude him.
I’m not sure what to do about their partners; I feel like it should be both or neither. The ideal sitution is if they’re both able to bring their new partners. (Assuming you’re inviting recent partners of other guests).
Post # 4
This is what I would do: invite the guy & his new GF. Give your friend a heads up that you’ve invited him. Seat them at seperate tables. Expect them to be adults about the situation. If one of them is so uncomfortable about being a social event with the other, they can discuss it between the two of them and decide who will decline the invite.
They are divorced but it’s not like he was a cheater or abuser. I see no reason that you should have to choose.
Post # 5
Thanks ladies! I agree, I don’t think we should have to chose. Chances are he won’t want to come anyways because he was really mad at her and thought she left him for this new guy, but it just feels really shitty not inviting him.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
Invite him! You’re friends and she knows that.
Post # 7
Invite him! Let both of them know that the other is invited/coming etc!
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
MissPhish: Invite both with plus ones, seat them across the room from each other, give them forewarning so it’s not a total surprise, and expect them to behave like adults.
Post # 9
You’ve been her friend for life, and you and fiance met the ex through her. I wouldnt invite him.
Post # 10
If you were going to invite him, you should have told your friend before you asked her to a bridesmaid and she accepted! At this point, you have to ask for her permission. It doesn’t matter who’s “fault” the divorce was, you’re placing your friend in a very awkward situation where she has no choices. Don’t jeopardize a lifelong friendship over this issue.
Post # 11
Eh, I’d invite him and his GF and just give your BM the heads up. I know they divorced, but is there any bad blood between them? I don’t see why you’d have to give up your friendship with the guy just because he’s no longer with your friend.
FWIW, I was a BM in my brother’s wedding and one of his GMs was an ex very-serious-marriage-talking BF of mine. It ended up not being that awkward and I would have hated for my brother to not ask his good friend just because I dated him.
Post # 12
My ex-husband and I are able to attend the same event (each with our new SO) without any issues and I would expect the same of others. Be upfront with both of them, so it isn’t a surprise on the day of, but I would invite them both. Just don’t seat them at the same table.
Post # 13
I agree…invite him but tell you bridesmaid your plans. I’m assuming that since she is standing with you she is a good friend and therefore should understand your relationship with her ex.
Post # 14
Well, if it helps, I can probably very much relate to your BM. Together with my ex for a long time, but was married for a VERY brief period. People have also accused me of leaving him for the man I am currently dating.
I do want to say though, and maybe because I can personally relate I’m very sensitive to this, I don’t think it’s fair to be less sensitive because it was “her fault” the relationship failed. Noone knows every single thing that happens between two people in a relationship; so even if she chose to walk out, pack her stuff, file for divorce, start dating right away, etc.; I hope that you don’t think of her as a villain. I’m not accusing you of doing so; it’s just from your comment that your opinion has changed of her because of information. She doesn’t deserve to have you be less of a friend because of your opinion on her leaving her husband. I can personally say that it’s very painful, regardless of who’s decision initiated it, and it really sucks to lose friends when you need them the most.
That being said, to answer your actual question (and apologies for the off topic comment, like I said, I fully admit I’m very senstive to being 100% blamed for a failing relationship and losing close friends over it): I would be really sad if my best friends didn’t invite my ex-husband. They were all very fond of him, and he’s a very good friend to them and a nice person. If I were in her shoes, I would hope for a heads up, but never would I want him not invited on my behalf. His friendship with “my” friends is different than his relationship with me, so it would honestly upset me to think a friend wanted to invite him, but didn’t because of me. So, I say totally invite him, invite his new GF, invite your BM’s new BF. Just give all parties a heads up. Good luck and happy wedding! 🙂