I agree with amysue - she's given you the opportunity to back out, not participating in or buying the items you are asked is rude and bad freindship behavior.
Yes, you may never use that clutch again but maybe she has photos in mind where you are all holding them - you'll be a sore thumb and ruin the photos with out it.
And the spa day, I would be livid if one of my girls started to pick and choose what she was going to participate in and buy. This isn't your day, and weddings are spendy. You may have to borrow from mom and dad or a friend but to be honest - either do what s she's asking, or simply take the out she has given you.
I know it sucks, but you've agreed to be in her day and in turn need to do what she wants and asks.
In fact IT IS the responsibility of the bride and her family to pay for lodging for out of town bridesmaids - or find them free accomodations with family. You won't find any etiquette book that says differently. And the expense of days at the spa, on top of travel and clothing and accomodations is not actually reasonable, unless it's an activity in which you care to participate, and which you can afford.
If the bride is "livid" that you can't or won't go do everything she orders, I'm not sure how or why you consider her a friend. If your friend cares about you at all, you should be able to find a reasonable compromise. Being the bride is no excuse to start ordering friends and family around without regard for their personal feelings or finances - as the bride, I still maintain, if you want to orchestrate every little thing to go your way, you had better be prepared to get out your checkbook and back it up.
You should've dropped out when she gave you the chance...obviously you're not happy...and can't afford it...since you've stayed...you've made your bed now lay on it.
Please stop trashing the bride...it's very childish...you're agreeing to everything she wants without putting a stop to it...who's the one that's being unrealistic???
I guess I do see both sides, having been a MOH and spent over $1000 at my best friend's wedding, who HAD to chose a $380 dress (but I love her, and it's all good, and she'll do the same for my wedding which is coming up, but since I love her, I'm going to chose the cheapest, most rewearable dress ever). No one paid for my lodging, dress, or flight. But then again, I also see the bride's side, who must have felt totally caught aback when you told her (for the first time) that you can't afford your bridesmaid expenses AFTER the dress had been ordered. Flight and hotel are costs that you could have easily estimated (at least 600 bucks there from CA to MA, no?) upfront, which (as someone else brought up before) are costs you would have spent as a guest anyway, and the cost of the dress, I assume, you would have found out when you ordered it. I would also note that the bride actually tried to look for an economical souce and ordered it from Netbride, which is cheaper that most bridal salons. What I also don't understand is that then, why are you realizing just now that you can't afford it? Is it really just the shoes and the clutch? Why can't you talk to the MOH, since it's just the two of you, to come up with the most economical and matchy cream colored clutch and shoes (which won't cost more than 50 bucks if you look hard). You also say that you are using your mileage for your flight, which should soften the blow somewhat, and depending on which MA city, you could also look on priceline for hotels. I think the key is to try to see things from the other side's point of view. It sounds like bride is overstretching herself as it is (you say she is not rich) even with a small wedding of 50. She wanted you to be one of her only two girls in her bridal party and that should mean a lot; I don't think she meant to "guilt trip" you when she told you that she would be dissappointed if you backed out and had to ask her SIL instead. She probably meant it.
wow! i was a bridesmaid twice. the first, the bride took care of all of the expenses. i gave it my all, helping her in every way possible.
the second was a big expense. dress. hair/make up (she wanted them professionally done, but asked us to pay for it). big trip to vegas where we split hotel, meals, clubs, transportation, activities, and other expenses (combined bachelor/ette party). i did not want to go b/c of the cost involved, but i let it go b/c they were both my friends. the bride/groom shower. the bridal lingerie party. the shoes. the jewelry. their wedding gift. i do feel that the bride should have been more upfront about the costs, especially for the items that are beyond the usual. a simple talk/e-mail about our budget as a BM would have been courteous. i know the other girls and i were a bit resentful, but in the end, b/c of our friendship, we all let it go. their wedding was gorgeous, and seamless b/c of the great bridal party (nothing ever got to the b&g b/c we all took care of the details and problems), but it would have been nice if they were a bit more considerate about the costs involved. esp in the asian cultures, many times, the bride takes care of bulk of the costs, so we weren't sure how she was going to go about it. her younger cousin had the most trouble with the expenses and talked to me about it.
thus, for our wedding, we are paying for most things (all outfits, accessories, shoes, hair/makeup, jewelry, anything that they normally wouldn't pay), but they are all taking care of their own flight/transportation (most are local), accommodations (one will be staying with us, others with other family members, a few will stay at hotels at their own expense), and any other trip expenses. we're giving them nice gifts as thank you's as well. i know it is a lot to ask to have them help out during the day and put out so much to be with us; thus, I made sure to put the bridal party costs in the budget (even though we are way over!) b/c i did not want anyone to resent standing beside us in such a special way.
good luck! i know you are just venting, and i'm sure you'll have a wonderful time. and i hope that the expenses that you've incurred will come back tenfold b/c you wont put a pricetag on your friendship. hopefully, your friend will figure out that if ppl are starting to feel resentful, it's not b/c she isn't a good bride, but that she's not being a good friend. on the plus side, she did offer you an out, but it sounds like you want to do it, it's just it's more costly than you had thought.
This thread is something else! I have been in your shoes as a broke bridesmaid. Now that I'm the bride, I'm trying to be very aware of all of the costs. I don't want anyone mad at me, or to feel caught off guard.
The advice I have for you is to relax. She really isn't that bad. I think that she should have let you know what was expected first, but a lot of this comes with the territory. I'm sure the majority of your freakout is based on the travel expenses. It sucks. I think the summer before last I estimated our wedding costs to be 6000 between the two of us. That is for travel, dresses, tuxes etc.
Get out now if you can. I quit a wedding due to the expenses and I do not regret it whatsoever!
I think the key, as with most things, is this: If you can get beyond the cost, which you think is too high, the bride's treatment of you, which you think is at least a little insensitive, and any general free-floating resentment you have at this point and participate with a good attitude and without regrets, you should stay. If not, you should bow out with a smile, and let the bride get somebody who can lay out the money to stand in your place. The thing is, your window seems to be closing, as if the other girl is to take your place she is going to need to buck up for the dress, find shoes and bag, etc, etc. And maybe it's easier on her, as she sounds to be local?
Not being able to afford to do everything your friends would like is not something you should feel bad about. It's being pushed into a position where you feel like you have no choice that creates resentment. And you always have a choice - I would much rather have a friend let me know her limitations and even decline to take part than later on find out that she resents how difficult it was. Your friend may sound unsympathetic right now, because she is thinking mostly about logistics, but if she already has a plan to replace you if need be, that tells me it wouldn't be that big a deal. It's not like she broke down and cried and told you she simply couldn't think what to do if you couldn't cut it, right? Unfortunately that puts the decision squarely back in your lap, which is a little uncomfortable. But v is right in that you just need to make the decision and then abide by it - and if that decision is to back out, then it does probably need to be made soon.
If you're worried that somehow backing out of being a BM means you ruin this friendship, I would suggest that there's not much of a friendship to ruin. One of my best friends, who is being a huge help with my wedding, got married six years ago and I didn't even make it to her wedding. For no good reason, seriously. The travel arrangements got kind of messed up at the last minute, and I was upset and stressed and really too busy at work anyway, but I should just have tried harder. I know she was hurt at the time, but we are still great friends, and now that I'm getting married I understand a lot better what a big deal it is... anyway, my point is that if your friend is willing to throw away your friendship just because you can't be her BM, she doesn't value it that much in the first place.
I agree with amysue - she's given you the opportunity to back out, not participating in or buying the items you are asked is rude and bad freindship behavior.
Yes, you may never use that clutch again but maybe she has photos in mind where you are all holding them - you'll be a sore thumb and ruin the photos with out it.
And the spa day, I would be livid if one of my girls started to pick and choose what she was going to participate in and buy. This isn't your day, and weddings are spendy. You may have to borrow from mom and dad or a friend but to be honest - either do what s she's asking, or simply take the out she has given you.
I know it sucks, but you've agreed to be in her day and in turn need to do what she wants and asks.
posted by Sweeney2Be 1,488 posts 6 months agoIn fact IT IS the responsibility of the bride and her family to pay for lodging for out of town bridesmaids - or find them free accomodations with family. You won't find any etiquette book that says differently. And the expense of days at the spa, on top of travel and clothing and accomodations is not actually reasonable, unless it's an activity in which you care to participate, and which you can afford.
If the bride is "livid" that you can't or won't go do everything she orders, I'm not sure how or why you consider her a friend. If your friend cares about you at all, you should be able to find a reasonable compromise. Being the bride is no excuse to start ordering friends and family around without regard for their personal feelings or finances - as the bride, I still maintain, if you want to orchestrate every little thing to go your way, you had better be prepared to get out your checkbook and back it up.
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 5 months agoYou should've dropped out when she gave you the chance...obviously you're not happy...and can't afford it...since you've stayed...you've made your bed now lay on it.
Please stop trashing the bride...it's very childish...you're agreeing to everything she wants without putting a stop to it...who's the one that's being unrealistic???
posted by V 228 posts 5 months agoITA with suzanno.
posted by JCM9608 466 posts 5 months agoI guess I do see both sides, having been a MOH and spent over $1000 at my best friend's wedding, who HAD to chose a $380 dress (but I love her, and it's all good, and she'll do the same for my wedding which is coming up, but since I love her, I'm going to chose the cheapest, most rewearable dress ever). No one paid for my lodging, dress, or flight. But then again, I also see the bride's side, who must have felt totally caught aback when you told her (for the first time) that you can't afford your bridesmaid expenses AFTER the dress had been ordered. Flight and hotel are costs that you could have easily estimated (at least 600 bucks there from CA to MA, no?) upfront, which (as someone else brought up before) are costs you would have spent as a guest anyway, and the cost of the dress, I assume, you would have found out when you ordered it. I would also note that the bride actually tried to look for an economical souce and ordered it from Netbride, which is cheaper that most bridal salons. What I also don't understand is that then, why are you realizing just now that you can't afford it? Is it really just the shoes and the clutch? Why can't you talk to the MOH, since it's just the two of you, to come up with the most economical and matchy cream colored clutch and shoes (which won't cost more than 50 bucks if you look hard). You also say that you are using your mileage for your flight, which should soften the blow somewhat, and depending on which MA city, you could also look on priceline for hotels. I think the key is to try to see things from the other side's point of view. It sounds like bride is overstretching herself as it is (you say she is not rich) even with a small wedding of 50. She wanted you to be one of her only two girls in her bridal party and that should mean a lot; I don't think she meant to "guilt trip" you when she told you that she would be dissappointed if you backed out and had to ask her SIL instead. She probably meant it.
posted by Jibi 3 posts 5 months agoMy goodness this has everyones feathers ruffled, huh?
posted by fatheadbride 11 posts 5 months agowow! i was a bridesmaid twice. the first, the bride took care of all of the expenses. i gave it my all, helping her in every way possible.
the second was a big expense. dress. hair/make up (she wanted them professionally done, but asked us to pay for it). big trip to vegas where we split hotel, meals, clubs, transportation, activities, and other expenses (combined bachelor/ette party). i did not want to go b/c of the cost involved, but i let it go b/c they were both my friends. the bride/groom shower. the bridal lingerie party. the shoes. the jewelry. their wedding gift. i do feel that the bride should have been more upfront about the costs, especially for the items that are beyond the usual. a simple talk/e-mail about our budget as a BM would have been courteous. i know the other girls and i were a bit resentful, but in the end, b/c of our friendship, we all let it go. their wedding was gorgeous, and seamless b/c of the great bridal party (nothing ever got to the b&g b/c we all took care of the details and problems), but it would have been nice if they were a bit more considerate about the costs involved. esp in the asian cultures, many times, the bride takes care of bulk of the costs, so we weren't sure how she was going to go about it. her younger cousin had the most trouble with the expenses and talked to me about it.
thus, for our wedding, we are paying for most things (all outfits, accessories, shoes, hair/makeup, jewelry, anything that they normally wouldn't pay), but they are all taking care of their own flight/transportation (most are local), accommodations (one will be staying with us, others with other family members, a few will stay at hotels at their own expense), and any other trip expenses. we're giving them nice gifts as thank you's as well. i know it is a lot to ask to have them help out during the day and put out so much to be with us; thus, I made sure to put the bridal party costs in the budget (even though we are way over!) b/c i did not want anyone to resent standing beside us in such a special way.
good luck! i know you are just venting, and i'm sure you'll have a wonderful time. and i hope that the expenses that you've incurred will come back tenfold b/c you wont put a pricetag on your friendship. hopefully, your friend will figure out that if ppl are starting to feel resentful, it's not b/c she isn't a good bride, but that she's not being a good friend. on the plus side, she did offer you an out, but it sounds like you want to do it, it's just it's more costly than you had thought.
posted by bride 168 posts 5 months agowow, hahahah, sorry for the big long essay.
posted by bride 168 posts 5 months agoThis thread is something else! I have been in your shoes as a broke bridesmaid. Now that I'm the bride, I'm trying to be very aware of all of the costs. I don't want anyone mad at me, or to feel caught off guard.
The advice I have for you is to relax. She really isn't that bad. I think that she should have let you know what was expected first, but a lot of this comes with the territory. I'm sure the majority of your freakout is based on the travel expenses. It sucks. I think the summer before last I estimated our wedding costs to be 6000 between the two of us. That is for travel, dresses, tuxes etc.
Get out now if you can. I quit a wedding due to the expenses and I do not regret it whatsoever!
posted by yogigal 39 posts 5 months agoI think the key, as with most things, is this: If you can get beyond the cost, which you think is too high, the bride's treatment of you, which you think is at least a little insensitive, and any general free-floating resentment you have at this point and participate with a good attitude and without regrets, you should stay. If not, you should bow out with a smile, and let the bride get somebody who can lay out the money to stand in your place. The thing is, your window seems to be closing, as if the other girl is to take your place she is going to need to buck up for the dress, find shoes and bag, etc, etc. And maybe it's easier on her, as she sounds to be local?
Not being able to afford to do everything your friends would like is not something you should feel bad about. It's being pushed into a position where you feel like you have no choice that creates resentment. And you always have a choice - I would much rather have a friend let me know her limitations and even decline to take part than later on find out that she resents how difficult it was. Your friend may sound unsympathetic right now, because she is thinking mostly about logistics, but if she already has a plan to replace you if need be, that tells me it wouldn't be that big a deal. It's not like she broke down and cried and told you she simply couldn't think what to do if you couldn't cut it, right? Unfortunately that puts the decision squarely back in your lap, which is a little uncomfortable. But v is right in that you just need to make the decision and then abide by it - and if that decision is to back out, then it does probably need to be made soon.
If you're worried that somehow backing out of being a BM means you ruin this friendship, I would suggest that there's not much of a friendship to ruin. One of my best friends, who is being a huge help with my wedding, got married six years ago and I didn't even make it to her wedding. For no good reason, seriously. The travel arrangements got kind of messed up at the last minute, and I was upset and stressed and really too busy at work anyway, but I should just have tried harder. I know she was hurt at the time, but we are still great friends, and now that I'm getting married I understand a lot better what a big deal it is... anyway, my point is that if your friend is willing to throw away your friendship just because you can't be her BM, she doesn't value it that much in the first place.
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 5 months ago