I know the title sounds horrible! I have 5 bridesmaid gifts I just picked up today! Hand made victorian engraved scrolls on the delicate cuff with a beautiful champange quartz bead in the middle. Engraved on the inside is Thank You! and our wedding date. I spent $65 per bracelet getting a deal because a girlfriend is an apprentice at this jeweler in downtown Carmel, Ca! Only one of my bridesmaid made it to my batchlorette party, and another is also missing my bridal shower! One girl missing everything! I have an other girl who is very close to me now, but she isn't in my bridal party, but she has been such an emotional support I almost want to give her the bracelet instead! Or, should I just get over it and give each bridesmaid their gift as planned? I don't even know when I want to pass them out! At my bridal shower, rehearsal dinner or individually to each girl? Ideas please!
Well, they are fairly generic gifts for females who have helped you in the wedding. So if you feel strongly about certain women, give them the bracelets instead and find something smaller for your bridesmaids. For example, you can give one to your emotional supportive friend, one to mother, mother-in-law, etc. However, I would wait a bit and make sure that this is really what you want to do and you're not just temporarily upset or frustrated.
I'm planning on giving my gifts at the rehearsal dinner, but if you're planning on giving fancier gifts to people not in your bridal party, you may want to do it individually.
It's really sad, but after much thought, I downgraded my BMs gifts after I realized that they really weren't making the effort that their gifts deserved! It's not like I'm not giving them a gift (I'm still giving them personalized stationery and an individual, different gift for each girl, along with a pashmina in my wedding color), but I was also going to give them a cute clutch filled with day-of essentials and a manicure, which I'm not doing now. For the girls who have come through for me (there are 2 who have been absolutely fabulous who aren't BMs), I'm giving them the clutches and the manicures. I'm giving the BMs their gifts at the rehearsal dinner, and the other 2 girls their gifts when we're getting the manicures the day before the wedding.
Bridesmaids are not required to attend bridal showers and bachelorette parties!! Do they live in different cities, do they have families or demanding jobs? sometimes it's just not possible for them to drop everything and come have a couple drinks with you and buy all those extra presents. It's not something that should make you upset. It doesn't mean they don't love and support you.
If this new girl has been such a help, I'd buy a separate gift to give to her, but I wouldn't necessarily take away from the bridesmaids.
Livvie, I totally understand where you're coming from, but if your bridesmaids just aren't interested or engaging, I don't think they deserve to be showered with a number of thank you gifts. While their presence at parties is *definitely* not required, for me, the fact that they weren't there (they're single, local, and it was a Sunday brunch) was simply a manifestation of their disinterest. I think that's probably what the original poster was getting at also.
I know people have other lives and things going on! But in my situation, everything has been planned WAY in advance! Over a year, and all my bridesmaids we're so excited to get together as much as we had planned! First it started off with some of my BM flaking off our Vegas trip last minute, which totally screwed everyone up, (money-wise) and also very disappointing! Rebecca, I totally agree with you! Sometimes you feel you're making such an effort to make your girls feel special and then you have to realize, Hey it's my freak'n wedding! Shouldn't it be the other way around? At least there making a phone call for emotional support or something! I've been a great BM and Maid of Honor, you'd think Karma would help you out or something! I guess you realize who your closest friends are during the planning of a wedding! I'm still deciding on what I'm going to do with the gifts.
They are your bridesmaids- not slaves. Gifts they "deserve"? wow. tacky. I'd give them what I planned originally. It is your wedding, not theirs- obviously they are not going to obsess over every detail the way you will.
Who said anything about Slaves!? lol, and even deserving!? It's not tacky when it's your time and money and effort! And actually, people do care about details, that's what makes weddings unique! I myself am in the wedding business, and have tons of people in the same line of work that will be attending, and believe me, they will notice everything! I wish I could be "less-obsessive" but that's not going to happen anytime soon! I guess I'm one of those rare brides that DOES expect something from my BM's! Be it communication, respect or just being there!
well, technically the only thing you are asking them to do when you ask them to be bridesmaids is actually be in the wedding! Also keep in mind that it is their time, money and effort that will be there the day of your wedding. I just hope that you aren't forgetting the important things here, while worrying about what these guests who are in the same line of work as you will think. ANyway, you can give your bridesmaids whatever you want. Honestly, it sounds to me that maybe they are also only doing what they think you deserve? Asking them to go to Las Vegas and then getting mad that they can't afford it really isn't fair. The economy is REALLY crappy right now. I suggest you take a breather, relax, and remember the important things - you are marrying the one you love, and you have all these friends who are supporting that decision. Give them whatever you want, but don't do it because you think they aren't doing enough for you. and the gifts are traditionally given out at the rehearsal dinner.
I just looked up the word "gift" on dictionary.com. Here are two of the definitions:
1.something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.
3.something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.<span class="ital-inline">
posted by MissSnapdragon88 posts 3 months ago
3.something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.
Except inherent in that definition is the fact that you WANT to give a gift to someone, not feel OBLIGATED to give a gift. You're right, gifts shouldn't be earned. But if someone has made you feel bad, why on earth would you give them a gift to thank them for what they've done for you? Come on, isn't that like, common sense?!
Did they buy dresses? Will they be at the rehearsal and spending the day with you getting ready? Are they friends/family who you care about?
I think all the other stuff is nice, but optional. Don't be upset with them for not making these things, think about how special they are (hopefully) and how they will be an important part of your *day* (someone here said it best- you get a day, not a week, not a month, not a year, a day). They aren't on call for every other wedding related event you have...
That said, you don't have to give them a gift, or such a nice gift. You have to decide what feels right.
Bridesmaids should be there to help the bride...not the other way around. The bride doesn't need to cater to every bridesmaid's whim and YES...the bridal shower and the bachelorrette are situations the BRIDESMAIDS and MOH should plan for the bride.
YES, they're "doing the bride a favor" but FRIENDS should NOT CHARGE for "favors"...you know what I mean....
You become a b*tchy bridesmaid when you feel entitled to having more and giving less to the bride that asked for HELP...is the bride's day...not the bridesmaid's day....get it together!
Life happens...but "friends" should be there to help out!
If they suck at being bridesmaids...you shouldn't have to spend your $ giving something they don't deserve!
You just don't give $100 worth of stuff to someone that has only been a pain in the butt or somebody that stresses you and has caused you pain...that's just stupid!
If you chose these people to be your BMs, then they must be people who are important to you. I'm sure that they would love to be there for you in every way possible, but sometimes life gets in the way. There may also be other relationship issues going on here that you will eventually work through with them. I'd lower my expectations and just be very thankful for anything that they do to help. Give them the bracelets and find a nice gift for your other friend who has come through for you. If you burn bridges with your BMs you'll either regret the fallout or ever asking them to be your BMs everytime you look at your wedding photos.
I'd say that most of you ladies are fortuanate enough to not have been disappointed by your BM's. V hit it right on the money, BM's should be there for the other parties, like some of you said, it's only 1 day,,but really,with all the planning and time and effort, what's wrong with asking for a couple of extra days to hang out? I should also mention, my gifts were more on the pricey side, but they were planned way in advance because they were handmade and took awhile to design, so I had 5 BM and went for it! They are getting dresses, but they're choosing their own,(so its cheaper for them!) in shades of red. That's about it! They live freak'n no more than 45 min away, so the whole living far crap doesn't fly with me! It's about spending time with loved one's and I love my BM's, but during this important time going on in my life, when they're M.I.A. how the hell can you not feel upset!? I'm glad there's a handful of you gals who get my frustration.
I know many ppl have their own opinions about this, but there are so many factors that play into the expectations of being a bridemaid.
I personally think that when someone asks you to be a bm, it means your friendship/relationship is valued. I don't think a bm's responsibility is to just show up the day of the wedding,..if that was so, then they could just have been a regular guest. Depending on how close the bride is to the bm matters as well. If you've known someone for 10+ years and considered them your good friend, you'd expect them to care or give a little more effort. So danigirlygirl, I think you have a right to be somewhat disappointed.
If your bm couldn't make it to one event or other events, they should have spoken to you individually if there were any conflicts in schedule or anything of that sort. I'm sure you'd understand if that was so.
Though gifts are not mandatory for bms either, I'd definitely show the persons that have been your support system through your process the appreciation with a gift.
I know the title sounds horrible! I have 5 bridesmaid gifts I just picked up today! Hand made victorian engraved scrolls on the delicate cuff with a beautiful champange quartz bead in the middle. Engraved on the inside is Thank You! and our wedding date. I spent $65 per bracelet getting a deal because a girlfriend is an apprentice at this jeweler in downtown Carmel, Ca! Only one of my bridesmaid made it to my batchlorette party, and another is also missing my bridal shower! One girl missing everything! I have an other girl who is very close to me now, but she isn't in my bridal party, but she has been such an emotional support I almost want to give her the bracelet instead! Or, should I just get over it and give each bridesmaid their gift as planned? I don't even know when I want to pass them out! At my bridal shower, rehearsal dinner or individually to each girl? Ideas please!
posted by danigirlygirl 50 posts 3 months agoWell, they are fairly generic gifts for females who have helped you in the wedding. So if you feel strongly about certain women, give them the bracelets instead and find something smaller for your bridesmaids. For example, you can give one to your emotional supportive friend, one to mother, mother-in-law, etc. However, I would wait a bit and make sure that this is really what you want to do and you're not just temporarily upset or frustrated.
I'm planning on giving my gifts at the rehearsal dinner, but if you're planning on giving fancier gifts to people not in your bridal party, you may want to do it individually.
Good luck!
posted by HistoryBride 59 posts 3 months agoFunny you mentioned this...
It's really sad, but after much thought, I downgraded my BMs gifts after I realized that they really weren't making the effort that their gifts deserved! It's not like I'm not giving them a gift (I'm still giving them personalized stationery and an individual, different gift for each girl, along with a pashmina in my wedding color), but I was also going to give them a cute clutch filled with day-of essentials and a manicure, which I'm not doing now. For the girls who have come through for me (there are 2 who have been absolutely fabulous who aren't BMs), I'm giving them the clutches and the manicures. I'm giving the BMs their gifts at the rehearsal dinner, and the other 2 girls their gifts when we're getting the manicures the day before the wedding.
posted by rebecca 986 posts 3 months agoBridesmaids are not required to attend bridal showers and bachelorette parties!! Do they live in different cities, do they have families or demanding jobs? sometimes it's just not possible for them to drop everything and come have a couple drinks with you and buy all those extra presents. It's not something that should make you upset. It doesn't mean they don't love and support you.
If this new girl has been such a help, I'd buy a separate gift to give to her, but I wouldn't necessarily take away from the bridesmaids.
posted by livvie 88 posts 3 months agoLivvie, I totally understand where you're coming from, but if your bridesmaids just aren't interested or engaging, I don't think they deserve to be showered with a number of thank you gifts. While their presence at parties is *definitely* not required, for me, the fact that they weren't there (they're single, local, and it was a Sunday brunch) was simply a manifestation of their disinterest. I think that's probably what the original poster was getting at also.
posted by rebecca 986 posts 3 months agoI know people have other lives and things going on! But in my situation, everything has been planned WAY in advance! Over a year, and all my bridesmaids we're so excited to get together as much as we had planned! First it started off with some of my BM flaking off our Vegas trip last minute, which totally screwed everyone up, (money-wise) and also very disappointing! Rebecca, I totally agree with you! Sometimes you feel you're making such an effort to make your girls feel special and then you have to realize, Hey it's my freak'n wedding! Shouldn't it be the other way around? At least there making a phone call for emotional support or something! I've been a great BM and Maid of Honor, you'd think Karma would help you out or something! I guess you realize who your closest friends are during the planning of a wedding! I'm still deciding on what I'm going to do with the gifts.
posted by danigirlygirl 50 posts 3 months agoThey are your bridesmaids- not slaves. Gifts they "deserve"? wow. tacky. I'd give them what I planned originally. It is your wedding, not theirs- obviously they are not going to obsess over every detail the way you will.
posted by southernbella 100 posts 3 months agoWho said anything about Slaves!? lol, and even deserving!? It's not tacky when it's your time and money and effort! And actually, people do care about details, that's what makes weddings unique! I myself am in the wedding business, and have tons of people in the same line of work that will be attending, and believe me, they will notice everything! I wish I could be "less-obsessive" but that's not going to happen anytime soon! I guess I'm one of those rare brides that DOES expect something from my BM's! Be it communication, respect or just being there!
posted by danigirlygirl 50 posts 3 months agowell, technically the only thing you are asking them to do when you ask them to be bridesmaids is actually be in the wedding! Also keep in mind that it is their time, money and effort that will be there the day of your wedding. I just hope that you aren't forgetting the important things here, while worrying about what these guests who are in the same line of work as you will think. ANyway, you can give your bridesmaids whatever you want. Honestly, it sounds to me that maybe they are also only doing what they think you deserve? Asking them to go to Las Vegas and then getting mad that they can't afford it really isn't fair. The economy is REALLY crappy right now. I suggest you take a breather, relax, and remember the important things - you are marrying the one you love, and you have all these friends who are supporting that decision. Give them whatever you want, but don't do it because you think they aren't doing enough for you. and the gifts are traditionally given out at the rehearsal dinner.
posted by dreambml 425 posts 3 months agoI think you should give the gift to people who have done something for you to be thankful for. You have decide what that means to you.
posted by kayteebug 27 posts 3 months agoI just looked up the word "gift" on dictionary.com. Here are two of the definitions:
1.something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.
3.something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.<span class="ital-inline"> posted by MissSnapdragon 88 posts 3 months ago3.something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.
EXACTLY. They are doing her a favor.
posted by southernbella 100 posts 3 months agoExcept inherent in that definition is the fact that you WANT to give a gift to someone, not feel OBLIGATED to give a gift. You're right, gifts shouldn't be earned. But if someone has made you feel bad, why on earth would you give them a gift to thank them for what they've done for you? Come on, isn't that like, common sense?!
posted by rebecca 986 posts 3 months agoDid they buy dresses? Will they be at the rehearsal and spending the day with you getting ready? Are they friends/family who you care about?
I think all the other stuff is nice, but optional. Don't be upset with them for not making these things, think about how special they are (hopefully) and how they will be an important part of your *day* (someone here said it best- you get a day, not a week, not a month, not a year, a day). They aren't on call for every other wedding related event you have...
That said, you don't have to give them a gift, or such a nice gift. You have to decide what feels right.
posted by Janna19 340 posts 3 months agoI TOTALLY disagree with some people here....
Bridesmaids should be there to help the bride...not the other way around. The bride doesn't need to cater to every bridesmaid's whim and YES...the bridal shower and the bachelorrette are situations the BRIDESMAIDS and MOH should plan for the bride.
YES, they're "doing the bride a favor" but FRIENDS should NOT CHARGE for "favors"...you know what I mean....
You become a b*tchy bridesmaid when you feel entitled to having more and giving less to the bride that asked for HELP...is the bride's day...not the bridesmaid's day....get it together!
Life happens...but "friends" should be there to help out!
If they suck at being bridesmaids...you shouldn't have to spend your $ giving something they don't deserve!
You just don't give $100 worth of stuff to someone that has only been a pain in the butt or somebody that stresses you and has caused you pain...that's just stupid!
posted by V 228 posts 3 months agoIf you chose these people to be your BMs, then they must be people who are important to you. I'm sure that they would love to be there for you in every way possible, but sometimes life gets in the way. There may also be other relationship issues going on here that you will eventually work through with them. I'd lower my expectations and just be very thankful for anything that they do to help. Give them the bracelets and find a nice gift for your other friend who has come through for you. If you burn bridges with your BMs you'll either regret the fallout or ever asking them to be your BMs everytime you look at your wedding photos.
posted by Shannon 4 posts 3 months agoI'd say that most of you ladies are fortuanate enough to not have been disappointed by your BM's. V hit it right on the money, BM's should be there for the other parties, like some of you said, it's only 1 day,,but really,with all the planning and time and effort, what's wrong with asking for a couple of extra days to hang out? I should also mention, my gifts were more on the pricey side, but they were planned way in advance because they were handmade and took awhile to design, so I had 5 BM and went for it! They are getting dresses, but they're choosing their own,(so its cheaper for them!) in shades of red. That's about it! They live freak'n no more than 45 min away, so the whole living far crap doesn't fly with me! It's about spending time with loved one's and I love my BM's, but during this important time going on in my life, when they're M.I.A. how the hell can you not feel upset!? I'm glad there's a handful of you gals who get my frustration.
posted by danigirlygirl 50 posts 3 months agoDo what you like- you're obviously not asking for advice.
posted by southernbella 100 posts 3 months agoNot from you southernbella!
posted by danigirlygirl 50 posts 3 months agoI know many ppl have their own opinions about this, but there are so many factors that play into the expectations of being a bridemaid.
I personally think that when someone asks you to be a bm, it means your friendship/relationship is valued. I don't think a bm's responsibility is to just show up the day of the wedding,..if that was so, then they could just have been a regular guest. Depending on how close the bride is to the bm matters as well. If you've known someone for 10+ years and considered them your good friend, you'd expect them to care or give a little more effort. So danigirlygirl, I think you have a right to be somewhat disappointed.
If your bm couldn't make it to one event or other events, they should have spoken to you individually if there were any conflicts in schedule or anything of that sort. I'm sure you'd understand if that was so.
Though gifts are not mandatory for bms either, I'd definitely show the persons that have been your support system through your process the appreciation with a gift.
posted by pinkparfait 71 posts 3 months ago