Post # 1
When me and my fiancée got engaged last year, I choose to ask my soon to be roomie to be my bridesmaid. I was going to be planning a wedding 2 hours away from everyone I know while trying to do Graduate school, and I thought she would be a tremendous help. I didn’t want her to feel left out, and I thought we would be good friend
Since then however things have changed. She has said that she felt sorry for the groom, and commented on going to another ceremony where you could tell they appreciated the sanctity of marriage ( a backhanded comment at my untraditional ceremony). Her constant criticism of me and lack of help has made me decide that I don’t want to deal with her on a day that is a celebration. I am going to have my brother’s girlfriend fill her shoes, and have composed the following letter.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and discussing it with my parents, and what I am about to say isn’t going to be fun. I believe that I asked you to be in my wedding in the premature hopes that we would be wonderful friends for the rest of our lives, just like college roommates should be right? Anyway, after living with you for a year and the various ups and downs we have had the most I hope for is acquaintances. This combined with the numerous times that you have expressed distaste, either on your part or that of your family, with my untraditional ceremony combined with the fact that I do expect Robin to be in my life continuously means that I no longer think it is appropriate for you to be a bridesmaid. Thank you for all your help in picking out the dress and giving me great eyelashes. I haven’t cashed your Mom’s check, and I will give it to you as well as rest of the money you have already given me, so that I can have your dress altered for Robin. I know this isn’t fun stuff, but I am sure you know where I am coming from
Any suggestion would be lovely
Thanks to all and happy planning!
Post # 3
I’m going to offer some direct advice. Feel free to ignore or use as you wish.
I would cut out almost all of that letter, and focus on what is undeniable by either side – the fact that she has signified a lack of support for your marriage. Please trust me when I tell you that anything else you say will be twisted around when she tells the story to make herself look good. If she doesn’t believe that your wedding will reflect the sanctity of marriage, then she certainly doesn’t want to stand up in it, right? And you’re doing her a favor, right? That’s all you have to say. Be quick, but firm.
And I’d do it in person. Be unequivocal and matter-of-fact. Yes, yes, a letter is easier, but there’s a good chance she’ll track you down in person or by phone and you’ll have to have this out at a time and place not of your choosing. Ask to meet with her, or at least call her, and say, "Former Roommate, you’ve indicated that you believe my groom is to be pitied, and that my wedding ceremony doesn’t reflect what you feel is proper. Given that, I do not believe that either one of us would be happy with you standing up as my attendant. I appreciate your original willingness to do so, and your help with the dress but you’re off the hook. Here’s your mom’s check, which has not been cashed, and the money that you gave to me. I wish you well."
AND STICK TO THAT. I know you want to pour your heart out, but it won’t help the situation. Every time I’ve wanted to lay things out emotionally in situations such as these, I’ve regretted doing so. The situations in which I’ve managed to keep things low-key and stick to what was undeniable as much as possible have gone much more smoothly. You’re hurt that she’s acting this way, and that’s certainly understandable, but I’d put that on the back burner and concentrate on extricating yourself as smoothly as possible.
And DON’T mention anything about how you want your brother’s girlfriend because she’s more likely to be in your life, etc. etc. etc. You asked this girl to be a bridesmaid originally; the fact that you now want to cement your relationship with your brother’s girlfriend is immaterial, and will probably convince your former roommate that you’re putting on a show in order to clear her out of the way for her replacement. Who is replacing her isn’t important here; the fact that she is being replaced is.
Whatever you do, good luck!
Post # 4
I second ivorygirl. DO NOT do this via a letter. And do stick to the important thing, which is how she has referred to your wedding and marriage. I’m guessing that you would not be asking her to step down if not for that, regardless of brother’s GF, so don’t muddy the situation. Generally, I’m not in favor of asking BM’s to step down, but in this case I think it’s totally justified b/c she is bringing very negative energy to your *marriage*, and it has nothing to do with the usual stuff (like picky about BM dress or something).
I wish you luck…keep us posted!
Post # 5
I think that focusing on her actions that have forced you into this position is important. If she does not think that you respect the sanctity of marriage and does not appreciate your "untraditional" ceremony, then does she really know you very well? Stick with the facts and leave everyone but the two of you out of it. It will likely be a painful conversation, but hopefully she will understand.
Oh, P.S. – Is she STILL your current roomate?
Post # 6
I completely agree. Talk to her and simply address the issues. 1. She’s not supportive of your wedding or values. 2. She is expressing this in a critical way.
It’s fine if she doesn’t agree with your values. But she should really be gracious about it, and bow out without drama. So if she lacks the class to do that, don’t feel guilty or bad for stepping up and correcting this whole situation. Maybe she’ll be relieved anyway.
The letter doesn’t work for me. I think just having a brief discussion, that you understand she’s not supportive of your wedding, is about all you need. The letter, IMO, makes this a bigger deal than it has to be. I also wouldn’t bring into it discussing this with your parents, or the girl replacing her. Not needed. It kind of sounds like stuff, to divert the the blame off you, or insecurity on your part in making a decision.
If she is saying all these negative things, not the least of which is that she feels sorry for your Fi, (that’s is incredibly hurtful), then she cannot be blindsided by this. In fact this might be her way of trying to get out of it.
Good luck. Sonner better than later.
Post # 7
Sit down, do it face to face. I think the letter route is taking the high road and she’ll probably just flip out. If I were her (and i’d never be in her situation!) I’d appreciate a face to face conversation. Then I can say "wow..ok" instead of going "a letter?! a letter?!" because, as much as i hate to say it, no matter how unconfrontational you are, it’s cowardly.
I’ve had people comment about my "untraditional wedding" (outside ceremony with a pastor) and how it doesn’t count as much b/c it’s not in a big ole church blah blah blah. You don’t need these people supporting you and standing up there with you faking smiles all day and congrats and buddy buddy stuff. Just tell her that since she can’t truly be supportive then she shouldn’t feel like she has to be there and since she has only caused you heartache all along, you know what her true feelings are and you would like to remove her from the WP.
This will probably blow up real bad and you might need a new roommate. Take all this into consideration. Maybe hide some valuables or breakables, lol. Depending on how you think she’d take this. Me, id probably cry and feel hella guilty. But if she’s saying this TO YOUR FACE then, well, i think it shows lack of character on her part and you do not need this!
Post # 8
I agree! Definitely keep it simple and do it in person. Stick to your point…that she being your bridesmaid is not working out and it’s best that you guys stick to being just roomates. It’ll be better for your relationship as roomates if your and her wedding views and opinions aren’t even discussed.