Post # 1
So my well meaning, big hearted, but not totally thinking it through bridesmaid has taken it upon herself to invite some people to our wedding. Our wedding is going to be very very small (28 people). My partner and I have huge families however, we have only invited immediate family and very few friends each. My partner wanted to elope, but we compromised as I wanted my parents and siblings there.
I was present while she invited one of the individuals, while I know this person and consider her a friend I wouldn’t consider her one of my closest friends. I didn’t say anything at the time as I was in shock she would do such a thing. (I should mention the bridesmaid knows this person far better than I do and they spend lots of time together).
I told my partner about it and he said financially it was fine to invite her but given that we are already offending some extended family members and other closer friends he was not comfortable with it. I completely agree but I’m not sure how to deal with the situation.
Should I be following up with the person my bridesmaid invited in my prescence and explain to her the above. She herself is planning a very very small wedding and I think she would totally get it and not be offended. Do I need to suck it up and just invite her? Do I just let things slide and hope she figures it out when she doesn’t receive an invitation?
I’m less worried about the other people she has invited as I don’t know them at all and I would hope people would have enough sense not to show up at a stranger’s intimate wedding ceremony?
Thank you for your advice!
Post # 3
Wow. what a thing for a bridesmaid to do, yes I would talk in private to the invitee and explain to her that you are having a very small wedding and tell Bridesmaid she can not invite people.
Post # 4
I would definitely talk to her! Thats insane! Be nice about it of course, but be firm. “BM you know I love you, but FI and I have taken great pains to keep our guest list small. Please do not invite anyone else to my wedding, its not your place”
Shell probaly act shocked and indignant “I know youre sorry, BM. Im not mad or anything, I love you. Its just a delicate balance as it is, and I dont want to offent FIs family”
Also you dont HAVE to invite the person she invited. If I was in the circumstance, I wouldnt be steaming a dress or anything. I would just smile and nod until I had a paper invite in the mail. I would HATE to be at an event where I wasnt truly invited.
Post # 5
@Buzzybrownbee: Ok. I am going through a similar situation. We are also having a very small wedding ceremony (28 guests!). However, we are having a larger reception later. We invited about 150 people. My Mom and my brother have both invited people!!!
It is incredibly rude. I am still in shock. My mom invited a second cousin of mine that I really like but am totally not close with. My brother invited one of his friends. Who again, I really like but barely ever see! I was so shocked that they would do this. They literally invited these people and then told me they were coming.
I let it slide though 🙁 I am not proud of it. I should have just told them no. That’s not how this works. I just feel bad for the guests now. I can’t go back and uninvite them now.
My mom is STILL suggesting people to invite and I just keep saying that we probably won’t have room. My FI is not happy about this at all and we actually got in a fight about it.
But no more. I will not allow my mom or any other family member to invite other people. It’s so rude. My advice would have been to tell her no. Tell her that she cannot come… but I feel like a hypocrite. Ugh, I feel your pain.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
I would definitely tell your BM to please not invite anyone else, and the friend she already invited can just be considered that BM’s +1. I wouldn’t personally bother uninviting her because that’s awkward. I’d let it fly and make sure to put a stop to any other guests leaking in because of the BM.
Post # 7
Well the thing is, she’s not invited because you didn’t invite her. There’s no need to uninvite her. She’ll get it when she doesn’t get an invitation, or if you’d prefer, you can bring it up with her now and explain that you’re having a very small wedding. You definitely need to talk to your bridesmaid though.
Post # 8
I think you need to call your bridesmaid and have her clean up the mess she made. This is a problem she created so she needs to fix it.
Tell her you understand that her heart was in the right place but that you cannot extend this person an invitation and that you need her to please get in touch with this person and let them know.
Im not sure which floors me more, the fact that your BM would take it upon herself to invite people to your wedding, or that someone would accept an invitation offered by someone not hosting the event.
Post # 9
You need to talk to your BM NOW and explain (even though it is obvious) that you are having a tiny wedding and you would appreciate it if she would not invite people. Just let her know that this girl she invited is going to be considered her +1 so she can choose between her FI/DH/SO as her +1. It gives her two choices and it will also come across loud and clear.
Post # 10
@Buzzybrownbee: Totally crossing the line. I would talk to your bridesmaid and tell her she needs to uninvite that person.
Post # 11
Woah, what? Your bridesmaid is off-the-cuff inviting people to YOUR wedding??!! I’m just picturing the BM going: “OMG, you should TOTALLY come to SusieQ’s wedding! It will be a total blast!!”
You need to put a stop to that and fast. No one can invite people to your wedding except YOU and your FI. This is such a breach of etiquette that I can’t even wrap my head around it!
A talk with your BM is needed soon. This is not a causal party where the more is the merrier. This is a special event, with a specific guest list!
Post # 12
Your bridesmaid need to be the to talk to the person and let them know she messed up. She needs to know that this is not okay and can’t happen again.
Post # 13
@Buzzybrownbee: I can’t imagine that someone would think they were actually invited without hearing it directly from the bride and groom. I bet the person didn’t take it seriously, especially since you didn’t say anything.
Still, your bridesmaid needs to talk to this person and clear the air.
Post # 14
Yeah, ask the bridesmaid to tell the friend that she made a mistake in inviting her to your wedding. And tell her that it put you in a really awkward situation and you need her to not do that again.
Post # 15
Did she really invite her invite her? Or just sort of mention the wedding in a “we’re all going” way? Either way, she definitely crossed the line but if the girl doesnt know where/when it is I doubt she actually thinks she’s invited. Have a talk with your BM telling her she can’t do that. If something needs to be said to the girl your BM has to do it otherwise she won’t realize how awkward it is. Make her do the dirty work since she created the problem.
Post # 16
@Zhabeego: +1 this right here!