Post # 1
So I need some advice…
My bridesmaid has been very negative in the past few months and it is really beginning to get me down. She has stopped eating but is broadcasting it to everyone so I don’t know if it is just for attention. I am really worried about her and have tried everything I can to cheer her up. I have takaen her out to dinner, gone on girls nights out, bought her presents and written little notes to leave on her desk at work…none of which she even acknowledges with a thank you. She put the chocolates I bought her in the staff room and said nothing. I feel like I am always walking on egg shells.
Last weekend we had a night out with my bridesmaids and tried on our dresses. It was obvious she hated it because she is a size 12 and the others are a 10. She made such a big deal out of getting her size looking in what she called the “fat section”. I just bit my tongue – particularly as the wedding dress I have purchased is a size 16! It looked great on her! She has got big boobs so we would have to alter the top part but I dont see that as a problem. That night I got home and she sent me loads of messages about how she wanted to gauge her eyes out after looking at pictures of us from the previous night. I keep trying to stay positive but it is so hard.
This evening I get a phone call from a mutual friend saying she hates the bridesmaid dress and it is really upsetting her – now I don’t know what to do! I tried to pick a simple style that isnt clingy so everyone would feel comfortable. My other bridesmaids LOVE it! Should I find an alternative dress to try and make her a bit happier? Or maybe a shawl? Or will this make her feel as if I am making her stand out?
Please help! I am losing my mind a little bit and don’t know what to do!
Post # 3
It sounds like your friend has some severe body issues, and would have an issue with just about any dress you picked. Has something changed in her life in the past few months? It almost seems like she is depressed and the not eating thing is a cry for help.
Post # 4
I think that her broadcasting her “fasting” is a cry for help. Not eating is definitely a “no-no” when trying to lose weight.
Maybe you should invite her to go for a walk in the park or some other physical activity? Its amazing how your body can transform if you just start exercising a little more!
Dont buy her chocolates or fatty stuff. I know that you bought these out of the goodness of your heart and with good intentions – I hate it when people do that when I’m trying to trim down.
As far as the dress goes – I dont think she’ll be happy in any style of dress. Just continue with the dresses that youve picked out and just be as encouraging as you can! Maybe go to a spa and help her relax!
Post # 5
She started a new job with me as a teacher in September which is very stressful and she has a particularly difficult class. She falls out with her parents quite regularly but is moving out soon so I am hoping this will help.
I am finding it so hard when she is constantly saying how awful she looks when she knows I am a lot bigger and finding it hard myself to stay positive about being bigger than all my bridesmaids but hey they are my close friends so it doesnt really matter.
Is there anything you can suggest I do to help her? I feel so bad saying this but it is so draining giving all my energy to her constant negativity (gosh I can’t talk I sound like a proper little moaner!)
Post # 6
@KEBO88: I know it’s hard, but you have to remind yourself that this isn’t about you. You are in love, getting married, and are going to look amazing.
Look at you! You are established at work, at least enough to get her a job, I assume you live on your own or will live with your FI soon. And you are getting married! Watching you go through all these wonderful life changing events is probably making her feel inadequate.
So she’s taking it out on herself. In her mind, she doesn’t have these things because she’s not good enough. She’s not pretty enough. Etc.
The only thing she has control over is her weight. She’s abusing herself and her body because she blames it for not giving her the life she imagined.
I really honestly don’t even think she’s considering your feelings when she rages about her weight. In her mind, you are happy, pretty, and engaged. Why would you feel bad when she talks about how ugly she feels in comparison.
It’s not OK that she’s doing these things or acting this way. But I wanted to give you her perspective so when you sit her down and talk to her about what is going on, you have an idea as to why she’s been acting this way. She needs help nonetheless.
Post # 7
@KEBO88: i do not think she wil be happy with any dress you pick. so do not change your mind for just one bridesmaid….
Post # 8
Can you ask any of your other bridesmaids to help you with this situation? Bridesmaids should be able to help you out when you need help with the wedding. You have enough to do with all the wedding planning. Maybe someone else can spend more time talking it over with her. Ultimately I don’t think it is the dress, it doesn’t sound like she would be happy with anything at the moment, so I think you should stick with the dress you want them to wear.
Post # 9
I agree with the other posters and think that your BM has severe body image issues and doubt that she will be happy with any dress, so I wouldn’t offer to order her another dress. From what you’re saying it sounds like she is unhappy with her own life right now and may be somewhat envious of you and the new life you are about to start, but doesn’t know how to handle her emotions and it taking it out on you. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I honeslty think that she is really attention seeking and possibly depressed. When she sent you those messages she was probably hoping that you would compliment her on how she looked in the dress or on the weight she’s lost (if she has lost any). I also think that it’s terribly rude and inconsiderate of her to not thank you for the notes you’ve left for her, gifts you’ve given, and general effort you’ve put into trying to cheer her up. I understand that with her body image issues she probably doesn’t want sweets, but that doesn’t give her the right to disregard common courtesy. Enough is enough!
All of this being said, I think I would try to have a gentle, but direct and honest conversation with her. Tell her that you’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem happy lately and seemed really upset about the BM dresses, and are wondering if there is anything you can do to help. Let her know that you are concerned about her and how she seems to be feeling lately, but feel like everything you are doing to try to cheer her up is having the opposite effect and you aren’t sure what to do. Maybe she isn’t realizing the impact that her behaviour is having on you, and having a conversation will bring to her attention that it isn’t all about her and maybe she will try to change her attitude a bit.
A few months ago one of my BMs was complaining a lot about BM dress shopping because of her weight, and also about the cost of being a BM because she’s been facing some financial and personal challenges over the last little while. She hated every dress that I liked, and for several weeks after we went shopping whenever I would talk to her we would end up discussing her issues, and I always ended up feeling down. I finally decided to have a conversation about it with her and she ended up asking me if I would be OK if she stepped down as my bridesmaid. I think she was secretly hoping that I would let her know that I she didn’t have to be my BM if she didn’t want to, and having that conversation opened the door for her to ask me if I would be upset if she stepped down. As sad as it is for me that she won’t be my BM, at the end of the day it’s less stressful for me and she seems much more excited about helping out with the weddng now that she doens’t feel the obligation of being my BM. I would rather her be a happy and helpful friend and guest at our wedding than a miserable BM. I’m definitely not suggesting that you ask her to step down as your BM or anything like that, but think that you need to address it head on and hope that it will clear the air a bit so your friendship can move in a better direction.