Bridesmaid is stressing me out… Advice?

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I would say to tell her that it is important to you to treat all bridesmaids equally and that it wouldn’t be feasible for you to cover 100% of the cost of the dress plus flights and lodging, etc. for all bridesmaids.  Reiterate that what you can offer is 50% of the cost of the dress and that you are really looking forward to celebrating with her regardless of whether or not she does all the bridal party stuff.  Then it’s up to her.

Post # 3
Member
4410 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like she doesn’t understand what she signed up for. Being a bridesmaid almost always means buying a dress and paying for travel and accommodation at the wedding. $125 for the dress is perfectly reasonable.

If money is tight for her, though, I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to also travel for the bachelorette party and bridal shower. That stuff is extra.

So, I guess if I were you, I’d just tell her that the most you can do is pay for half of her dress, and that you totally understand if that means that she can’t be a BM.

(Side note: You guys are really nice to pay for up to half of each BM’s dress. I might suggest that if you’re going to do that, you just do it for everyone and not base it on everyone’s individual budget. I rarely have a “budget” when I’m a BM; I’m just trying to spend as little as possible, while knowing that I will be spending a lot!)

(Side note #2: How does she know you’re spending $70k on the wedding? I’d try to keep that fact private, although I know people can kind of figure it out anyway based on your venue, etc.)

Post # 4
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You have to pick a dress your bridesmaids can all afford.

I’m sorry, because this girl sounds kind of awful and it almost sounds easier to just kick her out and end your friendship, but she is currently your bridesmaid and you need to be accomodating.  If this was your dirt poor best friend telling you 250$ was too expensive, I’m sure you’d have a different reaction.  I think it’d be very easy to find an Etsy seller to make this dress for 150$.  

I’d politely give her an exit.  Tell her you’ll find another dress and that you’d truly love for her to be in your bridal party, but you won’t be offended if she feels burdened with all the expenses and wants to bow out.  But it’s ultimately her call.     

Edit: I don’t want to be harsh, but when you allowed this lady to be your bridesmaid, you accepted certain responsibilities and obligations towards her.  

Post # 7
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

liameowchelle:  I understood the J. Crew dress is 250$ and that you are splitting the cost 125$ each.  But if you bought an Etsy dress for 150$, you could still pay 125$ and your bridesmaids would only have to pay 25$, or you could split it evenly for 75$ each. 

I’m really not trying to be mean beause this girl sounds like a drag, but just because you didn’t really want her in your bridal party, doesn’t mean you can forgo the politeness a bride owes to her bridesmaids.

A  bridesmaid is supposed to be a girl you love.  A bridesmaid is supposed to be more important than a dress.  If you have the option between losing a bridesmaid and changing a dress, you’re supposed to change the dress.  It’s totally reasonable not to change your Vegas plans for her, but it’s not that big of a deal to get a non-descript chiffon dress from another soure, especially if she has to travel for your wedding.    

Edit: If you don’t want this lady to do more, than just tell her “No”.  My point is just that you said “Yes” to her and now you should accept the consequences.      

Post # 9
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

liameowchelle:  I think you are being very fair. $125 is not much for a dress and there are ethical issues in choosing to have a Chinese replica dress maker (which many Etsy sellers are) copy the dress. It’s simply not realistic that most brides are going to find a BM dress for $25 or even $75.

Your situation is a good remonder to other Bees to think very carefully before you ask (or agree to have) someone to be in your bridal party. Someone who is demanding enough to invite herself to be a bridesmaid is sure to be demanding in other ways.

I would tell her” I have to treat all my bridesmaids the same, so I’m not able to pay more for the dress. If being a BM is a financial burden, I will understand if you choose to attend the wedding as a guest.”

 

 

Post # 10
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I was kind of split on this until you said your BM won’t give a budget for the dress.  How can you pick a dress if you don’t know how much you can spend?

I’m curious as to what her reasoning is that she can’t buy the dress but is willing to put on the rehearsal dinner, unless she’s expecting to just plan and be given money for that.

Post # 11
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

liameowchelle:  Oh!  And just a quick FYI- it looks like the dresses are 25% off at J Crew right now, at least online.  If you still wanted to put $125 towards the dress, your BMs would only have to pay $63 plus shipping and tax, if applicable.

Post # 12
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

$125 is reasonable for a BM dress. You need to stregthen your back bone and nip her expecations to be an event coordinater, now. What has being silent gotten you? this mess right here.

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