(Closed) Bridesmaid Issue – Am I overreacting? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Honestly, I don’t think you’re overreacting. Breakups suck and it can take time to get over it.. But if you guys are close friends, then she should suck it up and play nice for a couple hours at the showers and weddings.

As far as advice, it sounds like she really doesn’t care about your wedding. She wants to stay in it so her ex doesn’t have the satisfaction of making her drop out, but she really doesn’t seem to care about being there for you her friend.

I’d have a long talk with her to tell her that you care about her and understand the pain of a breakup, but that it’s hurting you that a close friend just won’t be there for you during your wedding planning and parties.

Post # 4
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Omg she needs to grow up and get over her ex. Leaving a night out because the hotel reminded her of him? Sorry but GAG.

Friendships are two sided. You’ve been there for her but unfortunately she doesn’t seem to be able to be there for you.

You’ve listened, you’ve told her how you feel, now she’s just being rude (and probably slightly jealous?). I’m not sure what else you can do but you’re not crazy for feeling upset.

Post # 6
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

not overreacting! shes being really rude.

sorry, i don’t have any advice. but at least you know you’re not crazy, haha.

good luck!

Post # 7
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, I would be really upset. I agree with PPs. She doesnt seem to be interested in your actual wedding at all.

I also don’t see what your shower has to do with her ex. Did I miss something?

Post # 8
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Nope – you’re not overreacting. I went through something kind of similar, and eventually just had to be like “look – this clearly isn’t fun for you, and its not fun for me if its not fun for you – I didn’t intend for being a bridesmaid to be, or feel like, a chore or an obligation, so you’re not doing me any favors by trudging through any of this… lets just be honest with each other…right?”

and she gave her reasons, but admitted that because of x,y,z, etc, she wasn’t in the mood to do ANYTHING wedding related… and you know what, it was MUCH better to just hear that and get it over with than deal with awkwardness, cancelled plans, and hurt feelings trying to make it work.  If we kept it up, it probably would have totally ruined our friendship. As it was left now, I think we’ll both get over it. 

Post # 9
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Most of the time I think the brides are overreacting but not this time. You friend sounds self absorbed, at least for the moment. We have all been her shoes, no one wants to run into their ex but she is supposed to be your friend, her responses sound rather flippant to your feelings. I think you would be justified in telling her you don’t want her to be in the wedding. Not wanting to give her ex the satisfaction is a terrible thing to say to a bride and friend.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You are totally not overreacting! Yes, breakups suck, seeing your ex sucks, but she needs to suck it up for these few events and be there for you. I would have another talk with her, because it seems to me that she doesn’t really give a damn about being there for you, the only part she seems to be concerned about is not letting him know how much the breakup is affecting her, which is why she thinks it’s okay to bail on all these events as long as she is there for the wedding. I would not feel right about her bailing on you for everything but the wedding itself – she is making this all about her. If she actually wanted to be there for you she wouldn’t be cancelling on you and leaving events early because of her ex.

Post # 11
Member
8318 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think for her next birthday you need to get your friend a diary or planner. She seems to not be able to keep track of dates very well.

I think you have the right to be upset (especially about not staying for the whole wedding without a good excuse) but ultimately it is up to her if she wants to attend any or all of these extra events. It is her life so she can do with it as she pleases.

Do I think she is being a good friend- no but I would probably talk to her about how her actions are hurting you (just the cancelling of dates/feeling like your friendship doesn’t matter to her etc not all the wedding stuff so she doesn’t misinterpret it as you being a bridezilla).

Maybe also talk to her about her intense reactions to the ex. Maybe get her to see that if she misses out on celebrations with friends then in essence he is winning because she isn’t enjoying life and missing out.

 

Post # 12
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would be infuriated to hear she was going to an engagement party for a not-very-close friend because that’s wedding related and she told you she was avoiding those types of events! It just reeks of dishonesty. 

Which is another thing. I know she probably has too much pride, but if she needs to back out of something because she can’t stand to be around certain company, she should let you know and be frank about it. She’s an adult, geez.

Sorry you’re going through this. You’ve been more than patient and I would be reconsidering my friendship with this type of self-absorbed girl, too.

It’s one thing to be unhappy over a breakup. It’s another thing entirely to be so involved with that pain that you are an absentee friend during such an important time.

Post # 14
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think you have a right to be upset! I also think your friend is in a difficult spot emotionally since she is very clearly not over her ex. It sounds like some of these cancellations have to do a lot more with him than you, so I would try not to take it too personally. That being said your date is coming up and you need to know you can count on her! So I would definitely talk to her candidly but also keep in mind all the pain she seems to have right now.

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