Post # 1
I’m very frustrated with one of my bridesmaids and need to vent. I also needed a reality check to see if I’m overreacting and what you ladies would do in this situation. I asked my sisters and closest friends to be in our wedding this July. As background – other than buying the dress (which I kept around $150 – letting the girls pick their own accessories and shoes and paying for hair and makeup) I haven’t asked for anything really from them. My godmother generously volunteered to throw the shower and another family friend is throwing a fun couple’s shower in the coming months. I haven’t requested help with any other projects, etc. One of my BMs had been dating my FI’s best friend (and best man) for about a year (on again off again). They then broke up on December and my BM took it really hard. I’ve tried to be a good friend – taking her out, being there to listen, long conversations (even at work) because I’ve had my heart broken in the past and know how difficult it is. Anyway, at the end of March was the bachelorette (in our hometown) and she left early because we were hanging out at the hotel that she first started talking to her ex. I tried to understand but was bummed she didn’t come out.
Then we recently had dinner with some mutual friends and she was complaining (in front of me) that she had to be in a bridesmaid dress when she saw him for the first time in months at the wedding. She also told me that she might not be able to stay for the whole wedding. (I didn’t really respond and hoped by July she would feel differently) I then reminded my friends of the upcoming showers in the next couple months (and told them I didn’t expect them to bring gifts, just wanted to have fun with them). My BM told me that night that she couldn’t go to the couple’s shower as she had “another event” that night (later she confused she didn’t want to see her ex). She then called me a couple days later asking if I wanted to go to Vegas with her and another friend for the weekend. I reminded her that was the weekend of the bridal shower. She basically didn’t respond and said they were planning to go the week before but there was some even in Vegas so now they think they are going the following week. I was just shocked and hurt that it wouldn’t even occur to her to try to plan around the shower – this wasn’t even a trip that had been planned in advance but a last minute decision. I meet with her the next night for coffee to explain how I was feeling and that I was hurt. I didn’t expect her to help out with the wedding, but at least want to celebrate with me. I feel like being a part of the wedding is a burden for her. She basically said it had nothing to do with me, but that she is still really hurting and it would be too painful to be at any wedding related events. She has to miss the shower and go to Vegas because she just needs to get away. I said then I understand if she wants to not be in the wedding (I even offered to repay her for the BM dress). She said no, she wants to be there for me and part of the wedding, and doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing she was too upset to be part of the wedding.
This conversation was a few days ago and I’m still upset. The final straw today was when she called to break plans with had tentatively made to go to out of town for a day trip because she realized that was the day of another friends sister’s engagement party. It just felt like a slap in the face that she would go out of her way to attend a wedding related event for another friend’s sister!!? At this point I almost want to tell her not to be in the wedding as she is not the friend I thought she was. I don’t want her to be part of my wedding just to get back at her ex. I hope I’m not being crazy to feel hurt that she refuses to come to any wedding related event. I’m not a dramatic person and never had issues with friends so this is really bothering me.
Thoughts? I appreciate any advice you guys have.
Post # 3
Honestly, I don’t think you’re overreacting. Breakups suck and it can take time to get over it.. But if you guys are close friends, then she should suck it up and play nice for a couple hours at the showers and weddings.
As far as advice, it sounds like she really doesn’t care about your wedding. She wants to stay in it so her ex doesn’t have the satisfaction of making her drop out, but she really doesn’t seem to care about being there for you her friend.
I’d have a long talk with her to tell her that you care about her and understand the pain of a breakup, but that it’s hurting you that a close friend just won’t be there for you during your wedding planning and parties.
Post # 4
Omg she needs to grow up and get over her ex. Leaving a night out because the hotel reminded her of him? Sorry but GAG.
Friendships are two sided. You’ve been there for her but unfortunately she doesn’t seem to be able to be there for you.
You’ve listened, you’ve told her how you feel, now she’s just being rude (and probably slightly jealous?). I’m not sure what else you can do but you’re not crazy for feeling upset.
Post # 5
Thank you guys, makes me feel better to hear.
@pinkpinstripes – I had a similar GAG reaction (so did other friends)
Post # 6
not overreacting! shes being really rude.
sorry, i don’t have any advice. but at least you know you’re not crazy, haha.
Post # 7
Wow, I would be really upset. I agree with PPs. She doesnt seem to be interested in your actual wedding at all.
I also don’t see what your shower has to do with her ex. Did I miss something?
Post # 8
Nope – you’re not overreacting. I went through something kind of similar, and eventually just had to be like “look – this clearly isn’t fun for you, and its not fun for me if its not fun for you – I didn’t intend for being a bridesmaid to be, or feel like, a chore or an obligation, so you’re not doing me any favors by trudging through any of this… lets just be honest with each other…right?”
and she gave her reasons, but admitted that because of x,y,z, etc, she wasn’t in the mood to do ANYTHING wedding related… and you know what, it was MUCH better to just hear that and get it over with than deal with awkwardness, cancelled plans, and hurt feelings trying to make it work. If we kept it up, it probably would have totally ruined our friendship. As it was left now, I think we’ll both get over it.
Post # 9
Most of the time I think the brides are overreacting but not this time. You friend sounds self absorbed, at least for the moment. We have all been her shoes, no one wants to run into their ex but she is supposed to be your friend, her responses sound rather flippant to your feelings. I think you would be justified in telling her you don’t want her to be in the wedding. Not wanting to give her ex the satisfaction is a terrible thing to say to a bride and friend.
Post # 10
You are totally not overreacting! Yes, breakups suck, seeing your ex sucks, but she needs to suck it up for these few events and be there for you. I would have another talk with her, because it seems to me that she doesn’t really give a damn about being there for you, the only part she seems to be concerned about is not letting him know how much the breakup is affecting her, which is why she thinks it’s okay to bail on all these events as long as she is there for the wedding. I would not feel right about her bailing on you for everything but the wedding itself – she is making this all about her. If she actually wanted to be there for you she wouldn’t be cancelling on you and leaving events early because of her ex.
Post # 11
I think for her next birthday you need to get your friend a diary or planner. She seems to not be able to keep track of dates very well.
I think you have the right to be upset (especially about not staying for the whole wedding without a good excuse) but ultimately it is up to her if she wants to attend any or all of these extra events. It is her life so she can do with it as she pleases.
Do I think she is being a good friend- no but I would probably talk to her about how her actions are hurting you (just the cancelling of dates/feeling like your friendship doesn’t matter to her etc not all the wedding stuff so she doesn’t misinterpret it as you being a bridezilla).
Maybe also talk to her about her intense reactions to the ex. Maybe get her to see that if she misses out on celebrations with friends then in essence he is winning because she isn’t enjoying life and missing out.
Post # 12
I would be infuriated to hear she was going to an engagement party for a not-very-close friend because that’s wedding related and she told you she was avoiding those types of events! It just reeks of dishonesty.
Which is another thing. I know she probably has too much pride, but if she needs to back out of something because she can’t stand to be around certain company, she should let you know and be frank about it. She’s an adult, geez.
Sorry you’re going through this. You’ve been more than patient and I would be reconsidering my friendship with this type of self-absorbed girl, too.
It’s one thing to be unhappy over a breakup. It’s another thing entirely to be so involved with that pain that you are an absentee friend during such an important time.
Post # 13
I really want to thank you ladies for your input and the great points raised. I think I definitely need to talk to her again and be more candid about what’s on my mind. I don’t want to cause her more grief during a difficult time but I agree she has been really self absorbed and not a good friend. It just makes me feel better that others don’t think I’m not being a “bridezilla” or completely unreasonable.
Post # 14
I think you have a right to be upset! I also think your friend is in a difficult spot emotionally since she is very clearly not over her ex. It sounds like some of these cancellations have to do a lot more with him than you, so I would try not to take it too personally. That being said your date is coming up and you need to know you can count on her! So I would definitely talk to her candidly but also keep in mind all the pain she seems to have right now.