Post # 1
A couple months ago I posted about a wayward bridesmaid of mine. I spoke with her once very soon after that post and gave her the option to either order a dress by May 15th or step down from the bridal party- either one I was fine with and was still very sympathetic to her current problems. That phone call occured in the beginning of March…. the call was left with her promising to be in touch. Since then I have left her 2 voicemails that have yet to be returned. Obviously May 15th has come and gone. The dresses have been ordered and it should be very obvious to her that she is no longer a member of the bridal party. I would be lying if I did not admit that I am very angry over her complete disregard of me. I spent countless hours earlier this year talking with her about all of her issues, I have not once been insensitive towards her feelings. My question to you is how to I handle her as a guest now? Do I invite her despite all of this and the complete lack of communication? Honestly if she had just been a regular guest I would probably be cutting her at this point, but this is such a strange situation! Any advice??
Post # 3
At this point you are looking like the good friend that gave her a 2nd chance to be part of your special day! She is the one looking pretty bad here! But if you don’t invite her to the wedding I think that would just start a whole new issue you don’t want to deal with. I’d just send her the invite and not try to call her anymore. The ball is in her court and it seems like it’s now up to her to salvage the relationship..if there is anything left of it! I hope that helps!
Post # 4
Agreed. Just send her the invite; if she comes, then maybe she’s ready to get her act together and mend the friendship – if not, just feel a) happy she backed out before dresses were purchased and b) sorry that whatever’s going on with her is bad enough that she’s engaging in such bad behavior.
Post # 5
I’m kind of suprised by the reactions posted here. I took a completely different view of what’s happening. I don’t think this is an issue of a rude friend so much as a friend in crisis and in need of help.
I do agree that you should send her a regular invite. But I think perhaps you need to change how you’re approaching the situation. Not like she’s an incosiderate and rude friend, but a sick one.
I know it’s hard to do, but you need to remember that she’s suffering from depression. It’s a chemical imbalance, a medical problem.
I read your last post and you said something along the lines of, "this is almost typical of her". Maybe that’s because she’s always had this problem, but it really only came to a head and manifested itself recently?
Try not to let it hurt your feelings. In all likelihood, she can’t help it- it’s out of her hands. And as hard as it is for her, you mentioned in your previous post that she was seeking medical attention for the depression.
If this was my friend, I wouldn’t see the issue as my feelings being hurt and uninviting her to the wedding so much as making sure that she is safe, getting treatment, and not thinking about harming herself.
Can you get in touch with a member of her family? Perhaps contact a parent and inquire about how she’s really doing?
If she’s a good friend and she’s blowing off your wedding and completely withdrawing from her life, she’s not being selfish- she’s in big trouble.
If you can change how you’re perceiving her behavior, perhaps there is hope that when she recovers your friendship may recover as well.
I will be keeping good thoughts for you and your friend. Best of luck.
Post # 6
I have a similar situation with one of my bridesmaids, so I feel your guilty anger as well. I constantly have to keep myself in check and tell myself not to take my BM’s problems personally. Here’s the way I’ve been trying to look at it: whatever your friend can offer emotionally at this moment, that is it. I know, it’s hard to dismiss flakiness, especially at this special time for you. For me, I don’t even want to look back at this time in bitterness, so I’m TRYING to be compassionate and include her in all the BM stuff, etc. Trust me, I know it’s so disappointing when you want your very good friend to at least show SOME enthusiasm for you. It’s ideal if you have all enthusiastic and supportive BMs, but for some of us, our BMs have deeper problems that just overshadow the planning of their friend’s big day. But like rosychicklet said, it’s a medical problem that maybe us brides barely have an inkling of what depression is really like. Sigh…it’s hard to be good 😉
Post # 7
i agree with rosychicklet. at this point, her behavior isn’t about purposefully spiting you or ignoring you…in fact it has nothing to do with you. it’s really about her trying to work through her depression so that she can get her life back.
i completely understand the decision to leave her out of the bridal party – it sounds like that was the best decision for everyone but i would still send her an invite. when she gets better in the future, you will probably regret that you decided not to invite her because she was clinically depressed.
Post # 8
Rosy, I do appreciate your advise. However there is a lot of back story that I am not going to delve into that honestly makes me question the intensity of her issues. I am not denying that she is going through some rough times, but when I said my "typical" comment it comes from a long history of someone who craves being the center of attention (good or bad), not of depression. I have offered her help and have lent an ear on numerous occasions. I am fully aware that this is not an easy time in her life, but there are many things that she did bring upon herself. My best friend has struggled with depression all of her life and she agrees that at some point this bridesmaid should have had the respect for our friendship to at least bow out, not ignore me.
Post # 9
Tater…i experienced something similiar.
i emailed my "withdrawn" friend last week after not hearing from her a full month and a half after she mentioned that she might not be able to be in the wedding. she was recently diagnosed with a skin condition that made her feel uncomfortable in the usual sleeveless, strapless bm garb. i gave her full permission to pick anything she wanted to wear in the catalogue as long as it was in the right color (long sleeves, shawls, wrapped, whateva). i just wanted her to be there…be a part of the day. she said she would get back to me….the deadline to order dresses at a discount is tomorrow…..
i emailed her a few times since then to see what was up….no answer….
i called her yesterday and after asking me if i had gotten her emails (???) she said that she was sorry and that would not be able to be a bridesmaid.
i am frustrated. a little angry. sad. i understand the wierd emotions you’re probably feeling….in a way, i kinda felt like this was all or nothing….almost as if i would stop trying so hard to maintain this friendship after the wedding (its completely one-sided. i am the only one making an effort here). even more of a slap in the face? she admits that she was not really depressed. wth??? what am i supposed to believe??? depression was the excuse she offered for being MIA for the past several months. do i assume she simply didn’t want to be bothered with me?
Guess i’ll just send her an invite. thats the only thing i can think to do…i’m going to avoid any phone calls until i know i am strong enough not to cry….
Post # 10
sorry to all the ladies experiencing bridesmaid issues! i have yet to have any major problems with my bridal party, but i can see how these situations come up. tater, because i do not know the whole long history of your friendship with this person, i can’t really give any definitive advice. i’d just say that, depression aside, if she’s avoiding you or dodging calls, for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to participate in the wedding. and although she’s not being a good friend AT ALL, to keep your own sanity and quell unnecessary drama, i would just send off the invitation to her. she may not even show up, who knows? but at this point, if you send the invite – it’s outta your hands and into hers. you can then move on and hopefully deal with your friendship dramas with this person at a later time – after the wedding! best of luck to you!
Post # 11
not sure what the full backstory is – only you know that. however, it sounds as if it’s clear she’s no longer part of the official bridal party, which is less stress for you and probably better for her as well. it’s an unfortunate situation and it’s understandable that your feelings are hurt and you may be sad or angry (or both). the best you can do at this point is put it behind you and issue an invitation. whether or not she shows is up to her.
if she really is depressed and/or having troubles with her FI, it may be too much emotionally for her to deal with your wedding. that’s not at all fair to you, but that may be behind some of her behavior.
Post # 12
tater, It sounds like you have gone above and beyond to try to accomodate for your friend. I think roseychicklet is on the right track with her advice. Additionally I would recommend that you keep in touch from your end. Continue being supportive to her. The best you can do is extend your friendship to her so it is there when she is ready to also be there for you. Emulate to her what kind of friend you would hope she can be for you. Hopefully one day when she gets back to that "good place" for herself she can be there for you again. I would try not to make the situation more awkward. Just try to nurture the weakened relationship and time will tell. I hope that helps. & focus on yourself during this happy time and those who are there for you now.
Post # 13
You must be my bridal twin in some parallel, freak universe. Not only was my situation so much like yours that you posted months ago, but suddenly my BM came from nowhere and it was AWK-WARDDDDD!
I agree that you should still send her an invitation as awkward as it may be when it comes time to talk to her at the wedding and having her see the other bridesmaids around you. If you don’t, it will create all the more trouble.