Post # 1
Good Morning Bees,
After 24n hours of finding out one of my bridesmaids cancelled on my bachlorette event, I’m still confused as to how to process this. im feeling angry, disappoionted, confused, very hurt, and like i was fed a bunch of bull.
Here is her email response to my MOH, not me:”i just keep thinking about it and it just doesnt feel right to me. “ive only been to one bachlorette party and i thought the whole concept was awful. Maybe as I get older im getting more righteous and conservative? idk. I know BlissfullyEngaged will probably be mad, but i cant compromise my values either.”
Now, we are not having strippers bc I dont like them nor do i like dancers of any kind touching me. I made that clear so my MOH scrapped the idea. The plan is to meet at bar one and the bus will take us to several bars and a show (no touching allowed). This BM has knwn the plans from day one before the bridal party and friends knew and was totally on board. now suddenly she cancels. She was single when i got engaged and met a man 8 yrs her senior 6 months later. Im truly happy for her bc she is happy. But she kept saying how she would prolly never marry in a church bc shes not religious (im marying roman catholic very strict opus dei) and suddenly she meets this man who used to study to be in the priesthood but left it!!!!!!! She floods her FB pages with her and other friends at bars, lounges, and clubs so why is going to one with me such a compromise. She cancelled 2 of 3 makeup trials she begged and really wanted me to take her to all bc her BF wanted to hang out (he’s a poliet and travels frequently).
Coincidence? I cannot help but feel very offended by what she said. She tried to tell me that her BF had planned something special at 3 on the day of my bridal shower (it was from 1-5) and he didnt know and she didnt know what to do….i told her it was up to her on what to do. But i took it like she was trying to gage whether she can get out of it. Its always been abt what convenient for her and how it will affect her and no one else.
At the beginning of my engagement she was so excited and wanted to plan and do things and then she met her current BF and has been MIA since. She finally texted me to tell me and idk what to do or how to respond. Do i see her F2F or text or what? :’-(
Post # 3
Clarification: Im offended by her email to my MOH not her telling me about her BF plans on the day of my Bridal Shower.
Post # 4
I think if she does’t want to be there then she shouldn’t have to be. I think your feelings are justified. What kind of show are you going too, I don’t like strippers so when I go to parties like that I try to hide in the back. That being said I had a bachlorette last night. One of my girlfriends isn’t into going out dancing and I know she wouldn’t have a good time if she came.
She came for a portion of the evening then left. Is it possible to do that?
Post # 5
@TwoCityBride: Idk what kind of show my MOH planned but it cant be too bad since she knows that i dont like that. I have another BM who is and lives a very religious lifestyle and she is attending bc she knows she will not be made to do anything lewd. Its just for some dancing and drinks. This BM wont go for any part of it.
Post # 6
I’d much rather have someone cancel than attend a party in my honor that they felt obligated to attend when they didn’t actually want to be there. Just let this be a lesson as to what kind of friend she is and focus your energies on enjoying your party with people who do want to be there.
Post # 7
@remijp: Exactly what I was going to say. She didn’t want to go, so she isn’t going. I would just drop it.
Post # 8
I don’t know it sounds like your friend is being a bitch and selfish which is I why I think if she doesn’t want to be there it better for you, quite honestly it might be better not having her and her drama there.
I think she should at the very lest make an effort to attend dinner, if she doesn’t then her excuses are bs and I think it shows she had zero intentions of attending.
Post # 9
Is it a crappy thing she did, yes it is. However the only “mandatory” thing a BM is to be at is your wedding. The other stuff they technically do not have to do or be at. It is all bonus stuff. And if she feels uncomfortable for the party than yeah I rather that person cancel than be uncomfortable.
Post # 10
@Sassygrn: +1! I think it’s better for you just to drop it at this point. Don’t expect much more from her, she sounds ass over head with this new guy. It’s true, the only thing a bridesmaid is “required” to do is show up on your wedding day, supply you with champagne and tell you that you look gorgeous.
It sucks but yeah, I would just let it go and try to have a good time. Months and years from now, it won’t really matter. She’ll end up feeling awful down the line that she ditched her friend for her boyfriend at the time but you holding a grudge isn’t going to make you feel better and definitely won’t help the situation.
Post # 11
I’d call the BM and calmly tell her you want to talk about her cancelling on your party and assure her that you dont want her to do anything that shes not comfortable with. From the excerpt that you quoted from the email, I would want clarification on why she thinks bachelorette parties are awful. Is it because she doesn’t think people should celebrate gettting married? In that case , is she going to show up at your wedding? Or is it because she doesn’t feel good about partying at bars? In that case I would call her out on the FB partying pics and ask her to explain how that’s different.
Post # 12
I agree with PP that she’s head over heels for her new guy, and her priorities right now are to that relationship. It’s the oft repeated phrase here – your wedding is more important to you than to anyone else.
I’m not sure what ‘confronting’ her would accomplish in a postitive way. Say she decided to give in and come – there will likely be tension about it during the night, I don’t think that’s a great outcome. You may lose a friendship over it – and if that’s OK with you, it’s an OK outcome.
If she really doesn’t enjoy bachelorette parties, then regardless of the reason, I don’t think it’s a requirement that she attend. And that may be the underlying reason. She admits she doesn’t like them (and she’s not required to – just because others think they’re fun doesn’t mean they’re for everyone) then goes on to give some excuses that can be picked apart if that’s what you want to do. She would have been better off to say, ‘have fun, but I’ll be unable to attend’ and left it at that. She only needs to stand up on your wedding day in the dress, nothing more. You can decide to escalate this, or not.
Post # 13
I obviously cannot pass judgment on what your bridesmaid’s true motivation may be regarding her cancellation, because only God, she, and anyone whom she may have told would know for certain. However, I personally would have to decline an invitation to attend a bachelorette event that involved excessive drinking and any type of sexually suggestive show. Instead of attending that type of event, I likely would have suggested to the other bridesmaids that we all get together for a nice dinner to honor the bride-to-be, and then anyone who was interested in participating in the other activities could do so.
If your bridesmaid truly would not be comfortable in that type of environment, I think she needs to stay true to her convictions — even if she only developed such convictions very recently — and not participate. I would encourage you to not be angry or upset with her for this. Perhaps the photos you are seeing on FB of her in similar environments are from some time ago, and she no longer wishes to be a part of those types of activities.
Post # 14
Its just a bachelorette party, I’d rather my BM cancel than feel uncomfortable you will have fun without her.
Post # 15
@TwoCityBride: It doesn’t seem right to call her a b**** or selfish for wanting to not be a part of an environment that she feels uncomfortable in. She’s not doing it to spite the Bride, she’s doing it because the activities are not something that she wishes to be a part of.
At least she was upfront and honest versus lying and saying she had the flu or something on the day of. Honestly, I wouldn’t think twice about it. I liked the suggestion where maybe she leaves fpr part of it if you all are planning to go for dinner or something first? You will have a great time without her. People seem to make it seem like the end of the world when a person doesn’t want to attend something that may not be liked by all.
It’s one night. She is still going to your wedding. Honestly, if it.were me I would probably decline too. I hate bars, clubs, and strip clubs. I don’t drink, and I hate the scene. It just isn’t my thing. You can’t change who you are, and you shouldn’t have to with your friends especially.
I would just tell her that you understand, and cannot.wait.for.the wedding! Please don’t let such a small thing bother you. 🙂
Post # 16
Thanks bees for the feedback. I agree that i would never make anyone feel obligated to go against thier scruples, whether they be new or not. But i cannot help but feel offended. She was on board and excited when she first began planning it and then suddenly i feel her “holier than thou” excuse just left me hurt. I am not into the lewd or sexually aggressive things either and i most certainly would never have forced anyone to do them. I guess this last thing was just the breaking point after cancelling things she begged to be a part of, nearly not attended my bridal shower after volunteering first for a lot of responsibilities, and just simply not even seeing or talking to me much in the past 6 months or so. Although i do not wish to end our lifelong friendship (we are also distant relatives and family friends), i know i will need to tread carefully and never expect much from her as a friend.
Thank you for the support during what seems like such a crazy yet lonely time when my wedding is 3 weeks away. :’-(