Post # 1
Hello hive! Long time reader, first time poster.
I have 4 bridesmaids, and am v. happy with 3 of them. The 4th however, I kind of regret asking. We have known each other ~2.5 years, but we have gone through ups and downs of closeness. When I was thinking about who to ask, we were in a high, so to speak (had been more close lately). But between then and when I actually did ask, we became less close, and this has continued since after I asked and she agreed.
Now, its not that she is rude, or catty, or mean, or anything like that. But it just feels kind of awkward, and I feel kind of embarassed for asking now. And I’m not sure what to do. My Fiance says to just not worry about it and try to make the best of it, but sometimes I think I’d feel much more comfortable if I gave her an out and see what happened. Now might be a good time to do so too, as we haven’t gotten dresses for them yet.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Even if not, have any advice? What would you do?
Post # 3
If she hasn’t been rude or anything I would wait it out a little longer and see what happens. Is she a Long distance BM? Could that be contributing to the awkwardness? Maybe meet her for lunch or after work drinks and see where it takes you.
Post # 4
Once, when I was like 15, I promised myself never to do anything I didn’t really want to. So, I think that if you don’t want her in your Wedding Party, you should give her an out. I would tell her that my groom added one groomsman and that it’s really important to him, but you don’y want an uneven wedding party. And since the other BMs are your sisters or really really close friends you thought maybe she wouldn’t mind? I don’t know, but I would definetly do something.
Post # 5
I don’t really have any advice because I am in the exact same situation right now so I know how you feel. It’s really stressing me out! I don’t want any hurt feelings but I also don’t want it to be awkward on the wedding day. I’ll be hanging around thise thread for some advice too. 😉 Good luck with your decision!
Post # 6
If you are uncomfortable having her, I would gently give her a way to bow out. However, I would not ask her to step down. It seems like that can only end badly, as in she won’t be your friend anymore. However, if she has a decent sense of momentum, she’ll likely bow out.
Post # 7
I get what you’re saying, closeness to some of my friends ebbs and flows. But I don’t think I’d do anything in your situation. I’d just keep her as the Bridesmaid or Best Man. Unless you don’t care ending the friendship which is most likely inevitable if you tried to get her to decide to decline being in the wedding.
Post # 8
Is there a reason you guys are in a friendship “low”? Did something happen?
If not I would work at the friendship to try and make it better so that you no longer feel awkward about having her in your Wedding Party.
Post # 9
Wow! Thanks for the feedback so far, this is great. I added a poll in case anyone wants to chime in without actually writing a message.
I definitely don’t want to end the friendship, and I do worry about causing our friendship to decline if I sort of hint that I don’t think she should be a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore.
She is not long distance, and nope, nothing has happened to cause a decrease of closeness lately. We are just both very busy and have had a lot of stuff going on that doesn’t overlap for a little while now.
Post # 10
If i could change time i would def have only my bf in it. She is the only one that actually cares. But if not i wish i def could take my fsil out of it. Im just going to let it be
Post # 11
By the way – Welcome to the hive!
Post # 12
I don’t think you should get rid of her. It sounds like you guys have just drifted apart momentarily (and it sounds like that happens to you two often) so I wouldn’t really worry about it. Give her a call and see if she wants to go out for dinner and/or drinks or something. If you are truly uncomfortable about it, though, I think you should talk to her about it and see what she has to say. She probably doesn’t even realize something is wrong since it seems like this is how your relationship is normally. Besides, if you do ask her to step down, she will probably be hurt and your friendship won’t be the same.
Post # 13
@mrswheeler – lol, now I have Cher’s If I could turn back time in my head! I hear you though, I am leaning towards letting it be, also (I tend to be non-confrontational). But I do wish I could go back and redo it too!
@futuremrsmartin – thanks!!
@chachacha, jennifer – yeah, I think you ladies are saying what I really feel deep down. I should try to make the best of it and not risk hurting the friendship.
Somtimes I feel like I have been trying to reconnect lately, and while she is up for it when I do, I wish she would initiate more as well. But sometimes that’s just the way it is I guess.
Post # 14
So, I had this problem too and I did give her an out… like, “if you don’t want to do this anymore, I feel like I’m imposing it on you, I’d understand if you’d feel more comfortable…” sort of deal and she did NOT take it. If you are going to kick her out, make it firm like sillysil says and have some kind of reason behind it. Don’t leave it up to her because she might not take it and then you are stuck with double awkward where it’s weird that she’s a bm in the first place and on top of that you sort of told her she could bail and she didn’t… like me! lol
Post # 15
She asked, and she said yes. All friendships have ups and downs, periods where you talk a lot and periods where you don’t. It doesn’t sound like she’s actually given you any signs that she doesn’t want to be your friend or be part of the wedding. I think this is an opportunity for your friendship to grow, and “giving her an out” might just hurt your friendship.
Post # 16
@Ruby Falls – that is a really good point. I hadn’t totally thought through the result in that situation, thanks for sharing.
Everyone else makes wise points as well. Ya’ll have reinforced what I thought I should probably do. Thanks! Its amazing how much it helps just to hear that other brides have been there too!
My only wish (ok fine its kind of 2 wishes) is that I’d had a longer engagement and therefore more time to really think about who I wanted to ask, along with some of the other big decisions that were not exactly rushed, but I didn’t have months and months to mull over them like some brides do AND that I’d found WeddingBee sooner. I think reading what has and hasn’t worked for other people for awhile before I decided would have been wonderful! Oh well live & learn. thanks again!