Post # 1
I guess I’m a little upset because we haven’t even begun to really plan the wedding or do much of anything except go out for a celebratory “Girl’s Night Out” and my bridesmaids are already complaining. If we haven’t even done anything yet and they are already complaining it’s kind of killing my mood and I feel like if they aren’t going to be happy then they shouldn’t be bridesmaids (it won’t hurt my feelings if they don’t want the responsibility) This whole mess started because I’m a list maker. I made a list of things I wanted to get done month by month up to the wedding date. I’m realistic…I know that things happen and sometimes we won’t be able to stick to the list but right off the bat my maid of honor looks at me and tells me I’m crazy and immediately says well if we are doing all this what is the groom doing and what is your mom doing (not to mention she’s so anti-marraige since her own divorce and mine). Now my maid of honor and I have had a heart to heart, tears and all, and I think we’ve come to an understanding that regardless of her feelings on marraige I’m happy and this is what I want. Then come to find out she has shown the list to another bridesmaid who immediately just gets very negative about it and complains that this is like work. We haven’t even done anything yet. I haven’t even had a chance to talk to anyone yet about anything. We had a lunch date for an upcoming Saturday where I would address the list and what I expect and then we were all going to go to do registeries and make a fun afternoon of it but now I’m dreading the whole lunch because apperently no one is actually on board with being a bridesmaid they just want to show up in a pretty dress and be in pictures. <Alright thats all me but thats how I feel right now….and again….we haven’t even dove into the whole wedding planning thing yet. One month into my engagement and my bridesmaids have sucked some of the excitement out of it for me. :-/ Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 3
Uh, sorry, but I think you are being unreasonable. Your wedding is 1.5 years away and you already have a list of things you need them to do? What is on that list? It seems like a bit much to me too. You want them to go register for your wedding gifts with you? Very few people are going to be excited to help you pick out blenders and towels for your home.
…they just want to show up in a pretty dress and be in pictures.
That IS all they have to do. Yes, most BMs help with the wedding because they are your friends and want to, but you need to remember they are not your wedding slaves and do not have to help you with anything if they don’t want to or don’t have the time. They are not responsible for helping you plan your wedding. You can definitely ask for help, but they don’t have to.
ETA: Just so I am clear, this is a list of things you want them to do/help with right? Not just a list of wedding stuff you and your FI plan to do and if your BMs are free, you’d like their help/input?
Post # 4
@RunsWithBears: <— I agree. If they offer more help, lovely, but ultimately this is YOUR wedding and YOU should plan it (‘you’ & ‘your’ meaning you and your FI). I’m not saying don’t ever ask for help, but don’t demand it… it might come off a little better if you don’t make it sound like indentured servitude.
Post # 5
“no one is actually on board with being a bridesmaid they just want to show up in a pretty dress and be in pictures”
To be fair, that’s all a bridesmaid really has to do. They aren’t free wedding labor, they’re your most beloved friends/family who you’ve chosen to stand next to you as you say your vows. I guess it’s good that you’re laying your expectations out from the get-go, but they aren’t obligated to take on your wedding as a second job. They don’t have to achieve or prove anything before the wedding date to “earn” their spot next to you at the altar.
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@teenytinyktm: What is it you’re expecting them to do? I agree with PP this is YOUR wedding and YOU should plan it
Post # 7
@RunsWithBears: Completely agree with you!
You pick these women to stand up with you because they are the nearest and dearest to you, not because they will do stuff for you to plan/prep for your wedding. It is yu and your FI’s responsibility to pick out stuff for the wedding, register, do any DIY projects, etc. The only responsibilities your bridesmaids have are to get fitted for the dress, pay for it (which you must ask each of them PRIVATELY what their budget is beforehand) and show up to your wedding. You are not guaranteed any showers, bachelorette parties, or help with other parts of the process. If they offer great! but you can’t be mad at them if they don’t.
Also, your wedding isn’t for 1.5 years??? First of all, you aren’t supposed to pick your bridal party until 6-9 months out. Second, what in God’a name could possibly be on your monthly to do list that would require their help??
Like I said before, this is a wedding for you and your FI, you are the ONLY two people who have jobs. You shouldn’t expect anyone else, including your bridesmaids or your mother, to do anything for you.
Post # 8
I agree with PP. I totally understand list making, I have a list for everything but really it should be you and/or your fiance who are ticking those items off. One of your BM’s could very well offer to help you do a couple items but any such offer should be considered a gift. When it comes down to it, we ask our closest friends to stand up there with us and to give us their support, not to help us plan our weddings.
Post # 9
Agree…all they really are supposed to do is show up in their dresses, get ready, take pictures, and stand beside you. The only other things I think they can be reasonabily responsible for is helping to plan a bridal shower or bachelorette party as long as they are all on board with it (and as friends, they should be okay with this).
I can’t think of anything else they should be doing. If they offer to help with certain things that is great. Mine have offered to do things and want to help but they almost feel like they don’t do enough. That’s probably because I ask them to do very little and if they are busy and can’t come (to a wedding show, for instance) then that is perfectly fine by me. It’s not their responsibility. But what should I have them do? Do research on vendors for me? Address all my envelopes? Look for my jewelry online? No thanks, they don’t need to do any of that.
What are you wanting them to do? Funny enough I am big into list making and organization and I have a very detailed to-do list…but they’ve never seen it. I doubt they will until the day or two before the wedding.
So yeah…I do think you’re being a little unreasonable. Your wedding isn’t until 2014 so I can’t think of what all you need to be doing ASAP.
Post # 10
On my phone. Can someone please find and post the ‘Bridesmaids are not Slaves’ thread that used to be a sticky?
Post # 11
If all of your bridesmaids who I assume are your close friends are not down with this list. I think you have examine your behavior and demands. I also noticed from the planning and things you want to do you keep saying WE(as you and them) and I agree that majority of that WE(needs to be your and your Fi).
People have different expectations for their bridesmaids. I think as a bride you should ask people do things with in reason .Weddings are hard work but the people getting the majority of the pay off for them is the brides and groom. These girls signed up to support you and stand up as your friends, asking for some help on your projects or for them to go to some appointments isn’t out of order or unreasonable.
Having a week by week list of things to do for Your wedding is Your responsibility. They don’t owe you that, and they have their own lives, relationships, careers to worry about. I think you need to check yourself and put it into perspective. The bulk of responsibility for planning and executing this wedding should fall on you and your Fi.
One of the things that is often said on the bee, is NO One will care about your wedding like you do. Keep that in mind during the planning process. Go o the lunch with an open mind and be prepared to hear what they have to say.
Post # 12
@kes18: I also have a huge list the only people who have seen it is my Fi, my parents, my inlaws and wedding planner. I don’t think anyone else needs to see it.
Post # 13
Ok, I’m normally in the camp that feels that although all bridesmides must do is sit there and look pretty, that good friends have your best interests at heart and should want (within reason) to help you with some of the wedding-related events like a shower and bacheloretta party, but I’m a bit worried about your approach.
I, too, am a list-maker. I made a list that I didn’t share with anyone except my hubby. It would be nice if your BMs would like to help you with your DIY projects, but you can’t send them a massive list and expect that they will drop everything to help you.
Reasonable requests could be something like, “hey friend, I could really use a hand stuffing my invitation envelopes…I need a trained eye to make sure I don’t forget a reply card or stamp. Let me know if you’re available. If not, no biggie.”
If this is actually what you had in mind for your BMs, then that’s fine, it’s just not reading that way to us bees.
And as for the appropriate time to select a bridal party, thats just a guideline. I knew 5 years before I got engaged who would be in my bridal party and of course asked them as soon as I was engaged.
Post # 14
@TwoCityBride: haha…yeah I have actually showed my FI but it just kills him because he is a mess (organization wise) and I am so…detailed. I think my mother and my BM will eventually see it after it gets down to the wire (1 month left and under). But this far out there isn’t much on my list that I need any help with.
Post # 15
@teenytinyktm: sorry but the only people responsible for doing anything for your wedding is you and your fiance. your BMs need to buy the dress and show up on the day. Anything above and beyond is because they want to not because you force them to. If you want slaves to bring your wedding dreams to life, you need to hire and pay a wedding planner to do that, not pass it off on your friends.
I’d love to know the answer to the question your MOH asked – what IS your FI doing to help?
I’d be pissed if a bride gave me a list of shit to do for her wedding had I not offered to help.
Post # 16
If I was a bridesmaid in someone’s wedding and she gave me lists of things to do I would drop out. If you continue with this treatment of your bridesmaids you may have none left by the time the wedding rolls around. Planning this wedding is a task for yourself and your fiancé – that’s it.