Post # 1
Hello ladies! 🙂
So I have 3 bridesmaids (no maid of honor). 1 of them out of the country right now, the other one out of state and the last one here with me. The one that is here with me has been my friend since freshman year in college (abt 5 years now). We have been and are very good friends but for some reason she is not interested in my wedding. She acts supper excited when we are together but she hasn’t done a single thing to help me :(. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her to do anything huge or plan my whole wedding, but ideas from her would be appreciated or just acting like she cares. I am so confused because she talkt like she is so excited and like I am her best friend in the whole world and then when it comes down to her actually helping with something she dissappears.
I was thinking to not have her as a bridesmaid anymore, but I don’t know how to approach her about that. Or should I just keep her and know that I can’t rely on her abt anything?
What would you ladies do?
ps. my mom and mom in law have been amazing at helping and my other 2 bridesmaids that are not here with me also have been helping A LOT so I do have a lot of support and help.
Post # 3
Have you asked her directly for ideas?.. ie… what do you think of…? and stuff like that?
All my BM are pretty busy ladies these days, infact there’s only 1 I see on a regular basis so when we see each other we’ll talk about wedding things but otherwise I spend alot of time chatting through ideas via text with my MOH (who’s oot) and my other ladies.. infact other than the 1 that I see asking my about my bachelorette party wants none of them have ASKED if I need anything, but all have been very helpful when approached with a need I have.
I wouldn’t de-BM someone else they were causing real problems… I considered 1 but only b/c she was MIA for almost 3 months in the beginning of planning.
I really would just talk with them and maybe try initiating a little more wedding talk via calls, txt, or email… you may be surprised what a little “jump start” does =)
Post # 4
Hellooo… Well I know how you feel. I had one friend of mine who was so excited for me when we first got engaged but very shortly after she was showing me that she really wasn’t interested. The joke of it, is she BEGGED to be my MOH at first. I wasn’t really planning on having a MOH, but i told her she could cause she seemed so excited and willing to help that i thought it might be a good idea.
months later, after asking her to help or do stuff with me and her making up an excuse every time (she didn’t even come with me and the other bridesmaids dress shopping because she ‘was tired’) I told her she couldn’t be my MOH cause I didn’t feel like she really cared, and I didn’t think it was fair to have her at that title when so many other people were helping me a lot more.
I never cut her as a bridesmaid, because I wasn’t sure if I should or could. So I kept her and i’m just grateful I clarified her as only as bridesmaid and not a MOH. I felt if I cut her out of the wedding completely, I might lose her as a friend and really, just because my wedding was the center of my world, doesn’t mean it has to be the center of hers.
It’s ulitmately up to you if you decide not to have her in your wedding. My advice would be to just accept the help you’re getting from your family and other bridesmaids and maybe talk to this one about how you’re feeling. Offer her an out…say something like, ‘well i dont think you are really interested in this whole process, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to be in my wedding if you don’t really want to be” Maybe she’ll step down, maybe not. But it might not be worth risking a friendship over if you kick her out.
Post # 5
I recently asked a BM that i have known for 15 years to step down because of this very reason. I wrote her a beautiful email of why I wanted her to be my bridesmaid, and in it I stated that I think I wanted this more than she did. I just cannot take having a BM that is going to sit around and do nothing. She didnt even buy her dress with the other girls! You should really consider asking her to step down. Its your one day, I guarentee is the shoe were on the other foot you would have done a million things by now!!
Post # 6
I think that this is similar to a lot of stories. I had one that literally did nothing to help even when she would promise to meet my MOH to help plan showers and what not. However, she would post on her fb page how excited she was about it. Totally ridiculous. At times I wanted to kick her out of the wedding. I just chose to let it go. She was there that day and was helpful. That was really all that she owed me.
Post # 7
@Happy_Bee:I am in the same predicament. I have three bridesmaids and one who lives a couple of hours away. She has not helped me with the wedding. One time I had asked, she gave me a reason why she can’t go. Also, she has not been communicative to the other BM regarding the bridal shower. She had given numerous reasons as well why she can’t attesnd nor contribute . . . Unfortunately, I sense a bit of resentment from the other two BMS. In fact, she has not communicated to me since I talked to her regarding her reasons of not attending the shower. I have set a deadline – if she has not called me back after a certain time – I will graciously ask her if she still would like to be my BM.
Good luck to you. I am going through the same roller coaster of emotions 🙁
Post # 8
Maybe she’s not aware of your expectations? When I’m a BM, I never expect to do more than buy the dress, throw a bridal shower, do the rehersal, show up the day of the wedding, get my hair and makeup done, and be helpful on that day. Obviously if the bride emails me and asks my opinion on something, I’ll write her back (or text, phone call, whatever). There’s a saying around here that “no one cares about your wedding as much as you do,” and I think it’s true. Your wedding is in September, so I’m sure she just isn’t excited about it yet.
Post # 9
This may be a silly question but what should she be doing that she is not?
Post # 10
Maybe I’m in the minority, but I don’t feel like my bridesmaids owe me anything except for showing up for the wedding and rehearsal in the appropriate attire with the right attitude.
Post # 11
@Natalieh86: thanks I was just gonna say the same thing.
In modern times, “maids” are their title, not their job descriptions.
My brother kicked me out of his wedding for not doing enough (I was crazy busy in university). He said he never would have asked me if I couldn’t help out. OUCH.
Post # 12
You would kick her out because she isn’t excited enough? That’s a friendship killer. People aren’t as excited about your wedding as you are, I know that sucks, but its true.
Post # 13
It’s probably that she just doesn’t know what you want from her. Have you guys talked about it?
Post # 14
@MissShork– Your brother kicked you out for not doing enough?! That is ridiculous. It’s an honor not a job. You should have told him you would have helped out more if it was a paying gig. 😛
Post # 15
@MissCallieJean: haha I should have! Yah the final straw was when I had to study for my university final exam the next morning instead of addressing envelops. His FI could me a selfish princess. haha
Post # 16
@MissShork: wow, just wow! You should get a tiara and wear it all the time around them. 🙂 A princess should always have a tiara!