(Closed) Bridesmaid Problem!!!!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think that you made a bad decision in “relieving her” especially since the only reason you give for it is that she forgot she was supposed to meet up with you. Big deal! She is your friend. You wouldn’t have asked her to be your bm if she wasn’t. I think instead of firing her, you should’ve talked to her and asked her if she thought she was up to being a bm. If she didn’t, she would’ve taken herself out of the wedding. I don’t blame her for being mad at you. And now you’ve replaced her with somone else? You should most definitely not reinstate her. That would be insulting to her. 

Post # 4
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

One of my bridesmaids in in London, I am in Texas.  She doesn’t help with things very much as the time difference is crazy and we’re both very busy.  I don’t care–all I want/need of her is for her to be there for me and stand up with me on my wedding day–the rest is gravy.  I was not one of her BMs and I threw her bachelorette party and helped plan a lot with her.  It’s nice for your BMs to help plan but honestly, they don’t have to if they can’t/don’t want to and it’s totally ok for someone to help wh ois not a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Yes, you made a big mistake and you’ve probably ruined that friendship forever.  You can’t ask the other girl to back out now that you’ve asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I’d be absolutely insulted and pissed if I were in her shoes and you asked me back.  She will probably decline.  She may not even attend your wedding.  You made a mistake, you can’t really fix it at this point.  Best thing to do is deal with it and move on.

Post # 5
2705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yikes!  What a mess!  I definitely think you made a huge mistake.  You shouldn’t have kicked her out nor should you have replaced her.  Both of those things are very rude and, as PP said, you may have ruined the relationship with your friend forever.  For furture reference, BMs don’t have to do anything except show up and stand by you on the day of the wedding in the right dress.  If you need help planning, you should be asking your Fiance, not your BMs.

I think what you need to do now is try and mend the friendship.  Apologize profusely, say you made a huge mistake, and invite her back into the wedding party and have uneven sides.  Hopefully she forgives you.

Post # 6
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry you were in that sitatuation, but I don’t think you should have “releived her”. I live 3+ hours away from all my BMs. And to be honest, it kind of sucks! One of them have been less than excited about things I thought they would be. But, at the same time I try to remember it is MY wedding, not theirs. No one is going to be as excited about it as I am. And I try to remember she isn’t engaged or even with a boyfriend, so I understand she isn’t in that place yet.

If you weren’t getting married and she wasnt a Bridesmaid or Best Man, if she bailed on you what would you have done if you didn’t have the available punishment of kicking her out of the wedding party? I’m sure you would have either forgotten about it, or mentioned it and worked it out. It seems harsh to kick her out, I’m sure she felt bad.

Is there a way you could invite her back into it? Is it worth losing a friendship over? 

Post # 8
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012


She has an autistic three year old and you expect her to drop everything to help you when you need it. 

She’s not the bad friend in this situation.  She has other priorities.  You should have been a better friend and understood that.


Post # 9
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Did you outline to her what you expected of her during your planning process? If this was an unspoken expectation, I think you were unfair and made a mistake.

However, if she knew all of the things you wanted her to do  after accepting (not that I agree a bm should do them) and she didn’t do them, she probably eventually wanted a way out when she realized she could not really keep up with the demand of the position in conjunction with her real life and more important matters (her son). You “relieving” her of her duties was probably an actual relief. Now she can focus on what’s really important, since you’ve kind of made it clear she’s not that important to you.

That being said, I think your expectations were unrealistic and unyielding and the most major point of this is that you lost sight of the big picture, which is that she was your friend and regardless of what she contributes, planned on standing up there with you on your big day because she wanted to and because at one point, you wanted her up there because she impacted your life. Not because she completed a series of tedious tasks you should be doing yourself.

If there’s anything to be learned from this, it’s that stupid tasks involving assembling favors or holding your hand during a fitting you can do in private do not trump a true friendship that lasts far beyond your guest’s impressions of said favor and dress.

I hope you can mend it somehow but it may take a long time, if it’s even mendable.

Post # 10
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I dont get it, she is your bridesmaid not your employee, why does she need to do anything other rhan turn up and look pretty and help you dress on the day. What are you giving her, you dont even seem to be paying for her dress!

Its your wedding, you have control. Do it yourself! Its not your bms job to be your dogs bodies, they are your friends. 

I think what you did was mean.

Post # 11
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

While I agree with PP that BMs are not your employees or slaves, I also was under the impression that they are supposed to help you in preparation for your big day.  Aren’t friends supposed to help eachother out?  Especially for big and exciting things like your wedding day?  Frankly, I’m a little tired of people saying its just “your” day, and that no one else cares/should be expected to help beforehand.  A wedding is about presenting you, as a couple, to your community of friends and family and having them share in a milestone of your life together.  IMO, people who are real friends would want to contribute to that day.  That being said, your friend with a 3 year old autistic child obviously doesn’t have the same liberties as a single girlfriend, and I feel that your expectations should be adjusted accordingly.  

For your particular situation, I don’t know all of the details, but I would try to remedy this as quickly as possible.  Also, who says that just because you added another bridesmaid doesn’t mean your friend still can’t stand up there with you on your wedding day?  I would rather have asymmetrical photos with more gals than guys than lose a friendship any day of the week.  She would be within her rights to say no, but if I were you I would just apologize, tell her that you lover her, and that you would be honored if she would still stand next to you on an important day of your life, and then just accept that she is one Bridesmaid or Best Man who will not help in the prepartions. 

Post # 13
7 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m having a similar problem with a bridesmaid. She is cOnstantly complaining about decisions I’m making, never helps, and has spilled the beans about shower plans to me. I think you made the wrong decision. While my bridesmaid is a huge pain, I just don’t include her in things because I know I cannot count on her. But she is still my friend, and I still want her to be par of my day.

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