Post # 1
I have been in constant turmoil lately over one of my bridesmaids. I do not feel she will up for the tasks that I require of her – her life has been really hard on her lately and she hasn’t been up to the things she needs to do in her own life. She lives in another province to boot and hasn’t really been able to help me with any planning or execution. In fact, the one time I would have been able to see her when I visited my home province, she wasn’t there, nor had she told her parents I would be coming, nor told them the main reason was to get the money for her dress. She wasn’t even there!!! We had talked about it literally the day before and she COMPLETELY FORGOT. Not only that… she never contacted me to apologize or anything afterwards…. I felt upset, used and most of all unimportant and forgotten!
I have been talking to my parents about this situation and they both agree that I need to do what is best for me – mainly, to tell my best friend that I am “relieving” her of her bridesmaid duties. I still feel horrible about it, but I did it anyway because I am just too worried about her own well-being right now. Not to mention that I don’t have anything definite – when she can come here, how long she will be, if she is bringing someone or where she is staying. It’s all maybes and possiblys…
I thought as my best friend that she would understand. I told her she would be my honourary bridesmaid (not part of the actual party but still a big part of my life) but she is really upset about it. (Understandably, of course)
The problem is that I have made my decision and asked another girlfriend to be my bridesmaid (and already she has been so much help and has lifted so much weight off my shoulders!)
Did I make a bad choice? Should I have kept her as a bridesmaid even though it could have been to my detriment? Should I reinstate her even though I have already asked someone else?
Post # 3
I think that you made a bad decision in “relieving her” especially since the only reason you give for it is that she forgot she was supposed to meet up with you. Big deal! She is your friend. You wouldn’t have asked her to be your bm if she wasn’t. I think instead of firing her, you should’ve talked to her and asked her if she thought she was up to being a bm. If she didn’t, she would’ve taken herself out of the wedding. I don’t blame her for being mad at you. And now you’ve replaced her with somone else? You should most definitely not reinstate her. That would be insulting to her.
Post # 4
One of my bridesmaids in in London, I am in Texas. She doesn’t help with things very much as the time difference is crazy and we’re both very busy. I don’t care–all I want/need of her is for her to be there for me and stand up with me on my wedding day–the rest is gravy. I was not one of her BMs and I threw her bachelorette party and helped plan a lot with her. It’s nice for your BMs to help plan but honestly, they don’t have to if they can’t/don’t want to and it’s totally ok for someone to help wh ois not a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Yes, you made a big mistake and you’ve probably ruined that friendship forever. You can’t ask the other girl to back out now that you’ve asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I’d be absolutely insulted and pissed if I were in her shoes and you asked me back. She will probably decline. She may not even attend your wedding. You made a mistake, you can’t really fix it at this point. Best thing to do is deal with it and move on.
Post # 5
Yikes! What a mess! I definitely think you made a huge mistake. You shouldn’t have kicked her out nor should you have replaced her. Both of those things are very rude and, as PP said, you may have ruined the relationship with your friend forever. For furture reference, BMs don’t have to do anything except show up and stand by you on the day of the wedding in the right dress. If you need help planning, you should be asking your Fiance, not your BMs.
I think what you need to do now is try and mend the friendship. Apologize profusely, say you made a huge mistake, and invite her back into the wedding party and have uneven sides. Hopefully she forgives you.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you were in that sitatuation, but I don’t think you should have “releived her”. I live 3+ hours away from all my BMs. And to be honest, it kind of sucks! One of them have been less than excited about things I thought they would be. But, at the same time I try to remember it is MY wedding, not theirs. No one is going to be as excited about it as I am. And I try to remember she isn’t engaged or even with a boyfriend, so I understand she isn’t in that place yet.
If you weren’t getting married and she wasnt a Bridesmaid or Best Man, if she bailed on you what would you have done if you didn’t have the available punishment of kicking her out of the wedding party? I’m sure you would have either forgotten about it, or mentioned it and worked it out. It seems harsh to kick her out, I’m sure she felt bad.
Is there a way you could invite her back into it? Is it worth losing a friendship over?
Post # 7
This wasn’t as a punishment for not being at home when I dropped in… Maybe I am considered old fashioned but I believe a bridesmaid is not just there for pictures or to look good… If that was the case, I would have 10 of them! Traditionally the bm’s help the bride, whether it is by going to fittings, helping with favours, or just being there when you need them. Given those stipulations, as a black and white look at this mess, she wasn’t there for any of it. She has been a steadfast friend – mostly – and I love her to bits but I don’t feel like she’s been there when I need her. She has an autistic 3 year old that takes up all her time, and she is constantly in unstable relationships and I believe she needs to sort out her life instead of running away.
And please don’t think I am heartless… this is truly tearing me up right now and I am desperately trying to fix everything. Thanks bee!
Post # 8
She has an autistic three year old and you expect her to drop everything to help you when you need it.
She’s not the bad friend in this situation. She has other priorities. You should have been a better friend and understood that.
Post # 9
Did you outline to her what you expected of her during your planning process? If this was an unspoken expectation, I think you were unfair and made a mistake.
However, if she knew all of the things you wanted her to do after accepting (not that I agree a bm should do them) and she didn’t do them, she probably eventually wanted a way out when she realized she could not really keep up with the demand of the position in conjunction with her real life and more important matters (her son). You “relieving” her of her duties was probably an actual relief. Now she can focus on what’s really important, since you’ve kind of made it clear she’s not that important to you.
That being said, I think your expectations were unrealistic and unyielding and the most major point of this is that you lost sight of the big picture, which is that she was your friend and regardless of what she contributes, planned on standing up there with you on your big day because she wanted to and because at one point, you wanted her up there because she impacted your life. Not because she completed a series of tedious tasks you should be doing yourself.
If there’s anything to be learned from this, it’s that stupid tasks involving assembling favors or holding your hand during a fitting you can do in private do not trump a true friendship that lasts far beyond your guest’s impressions of said favor and dress.
I hope you can mend it somehow but it may take a long time, if it’s even mendable.
Post # 10
I dont get it, she is your bridesmaid not your employee, why does she need to do anything other rhan turn up and look pretty and help you dress on the day. What are you giving her, you dont even seem to be paying for her dress!
Its your wedding, you have control. Do it yourself! Its not your bms job to be your dogs bodies, they are your friends.
I think what you did was mean.
Post # 11
While I agree with PP that BMs are not your employees or slaves, I also was under the impression that they are supposed to help you in preparation for your big day. Aren’t friends supposed to help eachother out? Especially for big and exciting things like your wedding day? Frankly, I’m a little tired of people saying its just “your” day, and that no one else cares/should be expected to help beforehand. A wedding is about presenting you, as a couple, to your community of friends and family and having them share in a milestone of your life together. IMO, people who are real friends would want to contribute to that day. That being said, your friend with a 3 year old autistic child obviously doesn’t have the same liberties as a single girlfriend, and I feel that your expectations should be adjusted accordingly.
For your particular situation, I don’t know all of the details, but I would try to remedy this as quickly as possible. Also, who says that just because you added another bridesmaid doesn’t mean your friend still can’t stand up there with you on your wedding day? I would rather have asymmetrical photos with more gals than guys than lose a friendship any day of the week. She would be within her rights to say no, but if I were you I would just apologize, tell her that you lover her, and that you would be honored if she would still stand next to you on an important day of your life, and then just accept that she is one Bridesmaid or Best Man who will not help in the prepartions.
Post # 12
I am currently talking to her about my mistake and we are trying to work something out. Perhaps for once in my life I was being selfish about one of the most important days of my life… but I know that if I was ever asked to be a bm I would do everything in my power to help. I have been there for my girls all the time, and they have been there for me… and more than anything I wanted her to come and have a good time, no strings attached.
Post # 13
I’m having a similar problem with a bridesmaid. She is cOnstantly complaining about decisions I’m making, never helps, and has spilled the beans about shower plans to me. I think you made the wrong decision. While my bridesmaid is a huge pain, I just don’t include her in things because I know I cannot count on her. But she is still my friend, and I still want her to be par of my day.
Post # 14
I moved mountains to include my friend in my wedding. I basically created a whole new position for her that made us both happy…..
Would you believe it? She can’t come. She doesn’t have the money to do it.
Now, I totally understand and I am actually mostly ok with her not coming to the wedding (after I cried that she wouldn’t be with me)… BUT I just cannot even begin to imagine how this would have affected me if she was still a main part of the wedding. I think in the back of my mind, this is what I was most worried about, that she would not be able to come and barring the fact that I am definitely gonna miss seeing her and being a part of it, I am so glad I made the decision I did. My wedding is just over 3 months away, and my Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses literally came in the day before she told me she couldn’t come.
Such a bittersweet moment… It makes it a bit easier for me, but I still can’t believe that one of my BFFs just isn’t going to be at my wedding….